A woods is a pleasant place for a rattlesnake like me. There are plenty of diminutive animals to munch on and a mammoth choice as to where I should burrow my holes. However, once in a while I will encounter a stupid human who decides that it would just be awesome to go play with the snakes! Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t want some strange person picking me up with dirty greasy hands. Who knows where they’ve been! I’m just a nice rattlesnake. I like to keep to myself. Really I’m not like the others. I don’t go out of my way to bite someone. Like I don’t have anything better to do with my life, PAH-LEASE. So anyways, now I’m not able to enjoy my woods because some stupid human tried to pick me up one day. I heard him say to his son, “This is how a true man handles stupid animals.” I could tell the boy was questioning what his father was doing when he said, “Dad, that snake looks angry. Maybe you should just put it down.”
I tried to warn him, but he didn’t pay attention. With one swift shake of my tail, I sunk my front fangs right into his meaty flesh. He was a big man. I could tell from his low-pitched, fierce yell. I did feel a little regret because he had brought his son. What kind of man wants to look like a wussie in front of his son? Well, I’m thinking, “Man, I warned you. Just drop me and I’ll go do my thing while you go put some ice on that.” But, no, apparently he wanted to fight! It’s like it happened in slow motion. He opened his mouth and showed his crooked yellow teeth. I was NOT going into that pit of despair. Now, I’m not sure. Either he was extremely famished, or just plain dim-witted, but he bit my head off! Doesn’t he know that I didn’t want it to end like that? If some bizarre guy was touching him and parading him around victoriously, I’m certain he would become a little upset too. Well, I can assure you that I did not go down without a fight. As this strange man struggled to put me into his mouth, I bit him again and again until I bit him seven times, and he still didn’t stop it! Talk about immature! As I saw my life coming to an end, I closed my eyes and took one last bite, and in one moment everything went black. In my final minutes on the earth, in my woods that I had once loved so dearly, I heard the sound of an ambulance coming. Not for me, but for the ignorant human lying next to me. The ambulance people lifted the jittery man onto the stretcher and one of them said,
“What was this man thinking?”
The other man replied to his question shaking his head with disbelief and said, “Some people just don’t use their heads.”
I thought to myself, “I tried to warn him.” Slowly my life ended, and here I am in snake heaven. It’s not like my former home, but I’m sure I can adjust.