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For Sanity's Purpose
I walked outside with Ambrose, trying to ignore the fact that Cat was across the school yard. Am led me to the circle of friends that I had here. They talked aimlessly about the weather, teachers, and what they considered horrid class assignments. Of course that would be all that they had to worry about, they weren’t cursed with the weight I carried on my shoulders.
Against my better judgment, my eyes searched for her. After last night, I had grown even more attached to her.
Cat sat down at the edge of the building with no lunch. I wondered what her problem was. For a human she was so jumpy, so conscious of everything around her, almost to the point where it made her seem paranoid. Her eyes were smeared with eyeliner, as if she needed anymore darkness under her eyes, she never slept either.
I walked over to her and sat next to her.
“You don't have anyone better to hang out with?” she said, in her worn voice.
I grinned at her. “Yeah, I do. But I hate watching you look so miserable.”
She rolled her eyes and looked the other way, like she did in class. Like she was scared, like that day in the hall. Not like she had anything to be afraid of, ha.
“Then go,” she said.
“What's your problem anyway?”
“Problem? I don't have a problem,” she hissed.
“You seem overly paranoid,” I said.
She looked at me her piercing stare made my blood run cold. It was filled with so much pain and suffering that it made me almost reach out for her, but really, how could I help her anyway?
“Bad memories,” she whispered.
Tell me about it.
“We all deal with those,” I said gently, not to scare her again.
“No,” she said with tears in her eyes, shaking her head, “No you don't understand, it’s like they’re not even mine!”
I felt my face sift from gentle to confused and concerned.
“What are you talking about?”
She looked down. “I told you to go, and now you think I'm crazy, just like the rest of them.”
She sounded so haunted, it was unbelievable that a human could feel like this. How was it possible? Especially with only eighteen years? How could you be filled with pain in such a short amount of time?
“I don't think your crazy, I don't understand. And who are you talking about?” I asked playing stupid again.
She began to stand up. “Forget it,” she whispered, “I am crazy.”
She began to walk away.
“No,” I said, grabbing her wrist.
And then her eyes went wild, green and wild, I’ve seen those same eyes before.
“Tell me,” I said.
“you wont understand.”
“Help me to,” I begged, “help me understand.”
“Why?” she asked. “I don't even know you.”
Because I knew her.
“Because no one will even remotely relate to you like I can.”
She looked down at our hands and her hand went limp.
Then scenes crashed into my head.
Adeline was jumping on her bed, listening to “Jessie’s Girl”.
I was on the floor eating ice cream from the carton and laughing at her.
“I wish that I had Jessie’ s Girl, where can I find a woman like that!” She sang on top of her lungs, off key.
Then she crashed onto the floor and stuck her finger in the ice cream.
“I don't think you need anymore sugar,” I laughed.
She grinned and kissed my cheek. “I don't understand why you have to leave tomorrow.”
I put my arm around her. “Its only for a month.”
“Yeah it better,” she said.
I smiled and kissed her forehead. She smiled and put her finger back into the ice cream
“Cephas stop!” She screamed.
I turned and saw her on the ground crying.
I ran back to her and picked her up in my arms as if she was a little child.
“What?” I begged.
“Please, I don't want you to go,” she whispered.
“I’ll call you every night, it’s only a month,” I whispered.
“Please, please don't go,” she cried.
I held her close.
“Cephas, come on the train leaves soon,” my father yelled.
“I need to go,” I said, “I’m only a few states away.”
That cracked a smile out of her, it was easy to make her smile.
“only,” she said, rolling her eyes.
I laughed with her.
“its just that things have gotten worse at home and its only tolerable when I can run to your house,” she said.
I brushed the hair out of her face. “Its time to stand on your own two feet, love.”
“I don't want to stand,” she whispered, “I want you to carry me.”
I smiled again.
“And the dreams are worse,” she said, “I think I’m going to go crazy, Cephas.”
“You wont go crazy,” I assured her, “You're the sanest person I know.”
“That’s a lie. You’ve read my stories.”
I shook my head. “You're not crazy, your creative. Crazy is locking yourself in a room and writing weird poems like Emily Dickenson.”
I put her back down, on her feet, and she stumbled a little.
“Funny,” I sighed, “You know you could try.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m only giving you a hard time. But I really want you to stay.”
“CEPHAS!” my father yelled.
I kissed her forehead. “I’ll have to go.”
I turned my back on her and walked away.
And I swear I heard her sniffle and a thud, of her falling again.
I stared at Cat.
And she looked at me with a shaken expression. And the she started to tremble.
“You're…” she trailed off.
I put my arm around her. “Come on, let me take you home or something, you look like your going to faint.”
She didn’t argue with me either. I led her to my car, ignoring the looks I got from my other friends, who made it clear that they didn’t approve. And Am, who shook his head.
That’s not a good idea
I even went as far as helping her sit and buckling her seatbelt for her. I got in the driver’s seat and then turned the car on. I didn’t know if I was any shape to drive, if I were human, that may have been a problem, but even shaken, my reflexes were twice as good as a sober human.
“How long have you had your dreams?” I asked her, pulling from the curb and leaving the parking-lot.
“Um, awhile,” she said, “I guess about two years. They didn’t get bad till about a year ago when I dreamed of a girl dying, and then you…”
I turned the car into a restaurant. “And then me what? What did you see?”
Her face fell into a concentrated look. “I don't know, you were always crying, in pain. You were at the funeral, and you told her you wanted to marry her…”
I slammed my hand to the steering wheel. I really ticked me off that she didn’t get any of this. She didn’t realize that she was the girl, that she was Adeline. Her personality, the eyes. But of course she wouldn’t think that she was having her own memories when she never witnessed them. So how was she still alive? Adeline really died, she was buried and everything. So how was Cat involved, how was she Adeline? Reincarnation?
“Why am I dreaming about you and this chick?”
I cringed at how she talked about herself, and then chuckled at the irony.
“I have no idea,” I lied.
Best to not let her know until I know for myself what is going on?
“But you’re involved somehow, right?” She asked, “I mean you’re in the dreams, and then we…”
“I don't know, I only know as much as you do,” I lied once again, lying was easy for me and I wasn’t sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
“This is…” she trialed off.
She couldn’t even finish a sentence she was so shaken. Because she needed more crap happening to her, looks like she gets enough of that.
“Come on lets get something to eat,” I said, “You need it.”
She got out of the car awkwardly, and followed me. I held the door open for her, realizing that I shouldn’t have done that since this wasn’t the twentieth century anymore.
A waitress showed us to a table and asked for our drinks.
I looked at Cat.
“Um…Dr. Pepper with lots of ice please,” she said.
“I’ll have the same, not so much ice I don't think,” I said.
The waitress gave us that look that was disapproving as if saying “shouldn’t you kids be in school?”
Then she left.
I looked at Cat, waiting for her to say something, anything.
But she didn’t.
She stared at the table.
“I have issues.”
I laughed, which was obviously the wrong thing to do at the moment, but it sounded so funny.
She glared at me.
“I mean that I have weird little things that I do,” she said.
“What, you mean like quirks?”
She rolled her eyes.
“Fine, you know what? Forget it,” She said, standing up.
“Wait!” I said, not wanting to touch her because of what happened last time.
She sat down.
The waitress came back with our drinks.
“Ready to order?” She asked.
I looked at Cat.
“I’m not hungry,” she replied.
How could she not, with how skinny she was.
Oh. I'm stupid.
“Give us a minute?” I asked the waitress.
I waited till she was gone.
“Are you anorexic?” I asked her.
She glared at me.
“No! I’m just not exactly hungry.”
Her heart beat quickened. She was lying, but I didn’t want to get into that here, with witnesses.
“And the paranoia?” I asked.
She gripped the glass and occupied her mouth with the straw instead of talking to me.
“Why am I even talking to you?” she asked.
I laughed again.
I had to get better at that.
And that was a good question. Why was she talking to me?
“I’m not forcing you to,” I pointed out, avoiding my own question.
“True,” she said.
The waitress came back. I looked at the menu and ordered the first thing I saw.
She walked away again.
“Yes, the paranoia is a problem,” she said, “And other things.”
“Like?” I pressed.
“How I think,” She said, “The way I think about things.”
I stared at her. “I don't understand.”
She grinned. “I know.”
I shook my head, but I was smiling too.
“What about you?” She asked.
I shrugged. “What about me?”
“You must have some weird thing,” she said.
“Dunno,” I said.
She rolled her eyes and drank the rest of her soda. “You just don't want to admit to it.”
Of course I could tell her that I was some vampire that fed off peoples’ emotions, that I had tasted her pain more than enough times, and maybe that was why I wanted to talk to her. But that was only half of the reason. YOU’RE ADELINE! I wanted to yell.
“I run,” I said.
She scoffed. “Boring.”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked, “That I cut myself and I’ve held a pistol to my head?”
Her eyes lit up.
I shook my head. I have done other things though.
She leaned back, the light gone from her eyes. “Too bad, you would have been more interesting.”
“And what, worth your time?” I snapped.
She glared at me. “No, that’s not what I meant. I wanted to know if I was the only one who was a freak.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Apparently I'm alone,” she whispered.
“You're not,” I said, involuntarily.
She smiled slightly. “Thanks for that I guess, its half way reassuring.”
I leaned closer to her. “Only half?”
She didn’t say anything.
“Nothing is worth trusting anymore,” she said after awhile.
“I'm not sure what you mean,” I said softly.
The waitress came over and set down some plate in front of me. It was some type of sandwich.
“Let me know if you need anything,” she said, before leaving.
“What makes you believe there isn’t anyone to trust?” I asked, once she was gone.
“How can you trust anyone,” she whispered softly, “When you can’t even trust yourself?”
I hated how deep and heavy the conversation had gotten, I could taste all her pain, her frustration pouring down my throat like a toxic drink.
“Now that is a dilemma,” I said in hopes of cracking a smile.
It worked. And it proved that she was indeed Adeline.
“Have you felt that way?” She asked, “Ever?”
I looked at her.
Yes. When you're a vampire you think that everyone is evil; especially the humans, such a judgmental species. However, they have every right, it’s how they protect themselves.
“Yes,” I said, “Every once in awhile. I mean, but doesn’t everyone have their falls?”
“Yes, well, I suppose they do.”
“But you think you're not normal because you feel that way all the time,” I commented.
She half smiled. Everything was half with her. You got her to halfway open up. You got half an answer. Half a smile. Half a laugh. Half the truth. Half a lie.
“It doesn’t have to that way,” I said, which sounded so cheesy.
“And how do you change how it is?” she hissed, “How do I stop freaking out every time someone gets close to me, someone looks at me or talks to me. How do I stop sleeping with my lights on or heck how do I sleep at all? Answer me that!”
I looked down.
She laughed hard, and it hurt a little because it wasn’t a happy laugh. “What are you getting at? Trust you? I don't even know you Adric! You tell me to open myself up to you. What about you? You haven’t told me anything about you! And I'm suppose to trust you? After what I told you?”
“Oh and I haven’t forgotten that somehow you're in my flippen dreams when I do sleep,” she growled.
I looked up, at her.
“I don't know how to explain that, but wouldn’t trusting me be better than what you got now? Isn’t it a little better than shielding yourself from everyone?” I asked her softly.
The waitress came over.
“Okay over here?”
“More soda please,” she said.
Cat waited until she waitress was gone.
“No, I think it’s better to hide,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because then they can’t hurt me,” she said.
I leaned closer.
“And what if they find you?” I said almost mutely.
“Have you found me?” she whispered.
I looked at her, and it scared me how she thought.
“No, you won’t let me,” I said.
She nodded. “Well then I have nothing to worry about.”
I closed my eyes.
I needed Adeline. I didn’t want to stand on my two feet; I wanted her to carry me…
“Please,” I whispered.
“Because maybe I need someone to trust just as bad as you do,” I said.
“Why?” She asked, sounding like a three-year old.
“Because you have no idea how much of a freak I am. I'm worse than you,” I said.
She laughed a full laugh.
My eyes opened.
“And you give me crap about hiding, you're hiding from me,” she said.
Because it’s for your safety, or sanity.
“Then let’s hide together,” she said, “For sanity purposes.”
I smiled, and so did she.