Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

The True Confessions of a Suicidal Vampire

I stood in a dark corner of the ballroom and watched the other vampires dance. The music that was playing was low and soft, as delicate as a butterfly’s wing, and could only just be heard from where I stood.
Above me, the marble arches of the room soared high, so high that they disappeared into the shadows above. Chandeliers hung with crystal were suspended from the arches, throwing light onto those below, though the figures cast no shadows.
I let my eyes drift over the people crowding the ballroom or whirling on the dance floor. There was no pattern to their dress, neither rhyme nor reason to their style. Each wore what he or she felt the most comfortable with. There were some dressed in the clothes of Regency ballrooms, some wore more modern clothes, and some wore things far older. One man had even come in the full regalia of a Native American shaman.
I smoothed a hand down the front of my midnight-red ball gown. Like many others, I had chosen the style from the time when I had lived. I felt more comfortable in it, could be more effortlessly graceful, and tonight was important.
Tonight we would choose our King.
My eyes passed over the groups on the edges of the room. The vampires waited for the moment when our future would be decided, for the king would be our master. He would control every aspect of our lives, our deaths.
“Tell me, why is the loveliest lady in the room standing by herself?” A masculine voice pulled me out of my thoughts and back to the present. I looked up and smiled slightly at the man standing in front of me.
“Maybe because I haven’t wanted to dance with any of those who have asked me,” I answered, meeting his dark eyes. As always, they sparkled with amusement at the trace of English accent that remained in my voice, even after all this time. “Hello, Sebastian.”
Sebastian is one of the few vampires I have ever trusted. He had never lied to me or played me false, though I am not powerful and can easily be taken advantage of.
He is also one of the oldest vampires I have ever met. I don’t know his exact age, but I can feel his power like smooth, nutty honey in the back of my throat. I don’t know how he came by the name Sebastian, either, but I doubt it was his original name. Even after all his time as a vampire, his skin still has a touch of dusky golden tan to it. That, with his slanted dark eyes and raven’s wing hair, makes me think he might have been Egyptian once upon a time.
But being dead breaks down all barriers. Corpses don’t respect other people’s cultural boundaries.
He joined me, leaning back against the cold wall. His watchful eyes swept me up and down, and a small smile touched his lips, just enough to show a hint of his sharp fangs. “Well, Eva, you certainly clean up nicely. You make me feel positively…messy.” He spoke English with a hint of something foreign, like an exotic spice hidden in a boring, everyday staple.
I snorted. Sebastian was never messy. The only time I have ever seen him less then perfect was when we had been traveling together in Africa and were attacked by a group of Hunters, vampire slayers. Tonight he was utterly immaculate in his coat and tails.
“I'm surprised you came tonight,” I said. “You usually avoid gatherings like this as though they hold a den of Hunters.”
“I'm usually astonished that they don’t,” Sebastian said dryly, shaking his head. “I find it hard to believe that this many vampires can gather in one spot without word getting out to the Hunters. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel for them. They would just have to toss a few of those light-bombs they’re so fond of in here to kill the lot of us.”
I smiled in earnest for the first time that night. “I'm usually the pessimistic one, and you're the one teasing me into a better mood. It seems we have switched roles for tonight.” I had never truly enjoyed being a vampire in the way Sebastian and some of the others did, and it tended to give me a somewhat unenthusiastic view of the whole thing. The first time Sebastian and I had met, I had been debating whether to throw myself off a bridge and into a dry river, to kill myself. Sebastian convinced me not to.
Sebastian grinned at me. “You are correct as always, Eva.” He sighed and looked around the room, hint of melancholy entering his usually cheerful features. “This night is reminding me just how old I am. I’ve seen three Kings be crowned in the time since my death. This will mark the fourth.”
I hooked my arm through his and looked up at him. Far up. I always forgot how tall he was until he was right next to me. “Don’t be glum, Sebastian. Just think; if you hadn’t been around for so long, you would never have gotten to meet me. And as you're so often telling me, aren’t I worth dying for?”
He smiled down at me and picked up one lock of my blond hair, which had fallen out of the loose knot I had had it in. His eyes grew serious for a moment, filled with an emotion I couldn’t read, didn’t want to read, and he tucked the hair behind my ear.
“Always, Eva,” he murmured, and then he was himself again, as though nothing had happened. “Would you care to dance?” he asked, offering me his hand.
I placed mine in it without hesitation. “I would enjoy that. Thank you, Sebastian.”
He led me out to the dance floor and pulled me into his arms, then leaned over to whisper in my ear, “I am the envy of every man here tonight, Ev—Ouch!”
I had stepped on his foot as hard as I dared in my soft slippers. “If you're going to compliment me, Sebastian,” I warned under my breath. “You aren’t going to use clichés. Got it?”
He winced. “Got it. But did you have to do that so hard?”
I gave him an arch look. “Sebastian, you're supposed to be one of the undead, a monster of mortal nightmares, not a baby who whines because his foot gets stepped on.”
“You do realize that your undead strength applies to your feet as well, don’t you, Eva?” Sebastian demanded irritably. “And you don’t have to say my name every sentence, you know. I think I can tell who you're talking to.”
I grinned at him. “I know, but I'm trying to get you sick of hearing it, so that you'll tell me your real name.”
Sebastian blinked for a moment, the longest I had ever confounded him, and then snorted. “You're incorrigible, Eva. I'm not going to tell you that, and you know it.” He shook his head, looking down at me with something akin to amazement on his face. I didn’t know why, but as long as he wasn’t brooding, I was happy, and keeping him cheerful kept my mind off such matters as always rose to the surface when around other vampires.
I sighed as he twirled me around through the other pairs on the floor, interjecting a light note into my voice. “Well, I can't say I didn’t try.” I glanced at the others of our kind gathered around. “It must be getting close to the time,” I said, looking for the thirteen vampire Lords, who would choose the King. I knew ten of them by sight, and they were all scattered through the room. The other three I didn’t know, so I couldn’t tell if they were there or not.
Sebastian pulled me closer to him. “Come, Eva,” he complained. “Can we not just enjoy this one dance, without worrying about politics and other people? Just one dance.”
I glanced up at his face in surprise. “I didn’t realize you felt so strongly about it,” I said. “But if a dance means that much to you…” I let my voice trail off as he swept me around in a circle. My skirt billowed out like a crimson flower, swinging around Sebastian’s legs as we twirled. It was a nice feeling, just to move with the music, but I knew it wouldn’t last. As much as we tried to ignore it, the Choosing would take place tonight. It would mark the beginning of a new era for all of us.
As the music reached its crescendo, I closed my eyes, concentrating on the feeling of the moment and nothing else. I let it fill me, wiping away everything else and leaving a feeling of contentedness. The ability to do that kind of thing was the reason I had survived for so long as a vampire. I could shut out everything but what I needed to concentrate on, keeping all known details crystal-clear in my mind so that I could review them, see them at any moment. It was a few steps beyond a photographic memory, but the idea was the same.
“That is an interesting trick,” Sebastian said in my ear, making me start slightly. “Is it your vampire Talent, or from before?”
I opened my eyes and smiled at him, unworried about the future, or whatever would happen later. It was a nice feeling. “From before, actually. It makes me a killing at card games.”
“So you remember everything pertinent to your situation, and everything else slips through the cracks. Interesting.” Sebastian looked like he wanted to say more, but a stir over to the side interrupted him. Like the rest of the couples around us, we halted as the music ground to a sudden, ear-wrenching stop.
Twelve men, immaculately dressed and carrying an overwhelming aura of power about them, stood in the center of the space around the dance floor. An expectant hush rippled across the assembly. They waited with the patience of old trees anticipating a storm. Or at least, all but one. Beside me, Sebastian was tense and seemed ready to bolt. I shot him a puzzled glance, but he no longer seemed to see me. All of his attention was on the Lords.
I looked at them and blinked. Counted. Blinked again. “Sebastian,” I hissed. “Is it just me, or is one of the Lords—”
But he didn’t hear me. Slowly, he pulled away from my grip on his arm and made his graceful way through the crowd. They parted to make way for him, and something clicked in my mind. Twelve plus one was thirteen. The other vampire Lords and Sebastian together made the thirteen vampire Lords.
I clamped my teeth together against a gasp as the pain of betrayal shot threw me, and I felt a trickle of blood flow into my mouth like hot wine. Managing to pry my fangs out of my lower lip, I fixed my eyes on the tall, dark vampire Lord as he joined his fellows. That just goes to show that you can't trust anyone these days.
“I see you have finally decided to grace us with your great, humbling presence.” One of the vampires looked coolly at Sebastian, his pale eyes holding nothing. “We are honored; it makes tonight’s announcement even easier.” No one could tell from his voice if he was sarcastic or simply bored.
Sebastian made a sour face, not nearly as reserved as some of the other vampires when it came to expressions. “You requested my presence, Lord Catawba. I have come, though only the reason you gave could have pulled me out of my self-imposed exile.”
Another Lord nodded, a sharp and military gesture. “If that concludes the pleasantries, gentlemen, I believe we have an announcement to make. Best to get it over with, so shall we?”
I almost smiled. Lord Trent was my favorite of the Lords I knew—except for Sebastian, whom I wasn’t sure about anymore. Trent had been a commander of the English forces that fought against France in the Hundred Years’ War. He still had most of the personality of a military man, and though it made him a bit abrupt, he was more down-to-Earth then the others—again, except for Sebastian.
The thirteen Lords stepped forward in a line, looking serious and dignified, with a hint of hard, harsh danger around them that made me take a small step back. I had never seen them all together in one place before, and right now, their power was overwhelming. It made it clear that you didn’t get to be a Lord by collecting stamps. The Lords were the most powerful of us, those who could be counted on to be vicious and merciless. I shivered. I had known Sebastian wasn’t exactly sterling, but I hadn’t thought he was Lord material.
“As we ever have, tonight we have chosen the new King from among us.” Lord Kartah, oldest of the thirteen, addressed the assembly in his mild voice, looking positively nondescript in comparison to his companions. Only the roiling energy around him, so much greater then that of any other vampire in the room, set him apart. “Tonight, a new ruler will assume the throne, to lead us into a new age.”
There was no hint in his voice about who it would be, but I already knew it wouldn’t be him. Kartah had never wanted to be King. He said that it was a waste of his talents as a spy. I believed him in both cases.
Lord Caelum, once a Roman general, nodded as Kartah looked at him. “We have decided on the one vampire who has long known just how far we have fallen since our kind’s height many years ago, when the human’s civilization was still young. He is a man we feel is more then suited to the task.”
And at that moment, I knew. I knew who it was going to be. My eyes jumped to Sebastian, took in the tight, forcedly blank features, and I looked into the face of our next King.
Lord Trent’s words echoed my thoughts. “Tonight we greet Lord Sebastian as the new vampire King.”
There was a whisper through the assembled vampires, and in a wave, they all sank down, the men in bows, the women in curtsies, until the entire floor was offering homage to our new King.
I was a beat behind the others in gong down on bended knee. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised by Sebastian’s duplicity, as it was all but expected in vampires, but it hurt. He was one of the few reasons I hadn’t fallen on a stake yet.
I let out a slow breath as I sank down. That wasn’t entirely true. My own cowardice kept me from ending the mockery of a life that I had right now, and I knew it. It wasn’t fair to blame Sebastian for my own failings, as much as I wished to.
The ceremony for the crowning was relatively simple. I didn’t have to do a single thing, but I wished I did. It would have given me something to do that was actually productive.
Sebastian found me standing by the long buffet table that had been erected in mockery of those in human events. I was contemplating the large carving knife that rested next to a cooked ham.
“It’s not silver, you know,” he said. “Stainless steel.”
“Pity,” I said, turning away from him and heading back to the corner where he had first found me. I wished I had never left it.
Sebastian followed me doggedly. “Eva, listen to me. I would have told you, but it never felt like the right time. I'm not proud of being a vampire Lord, and I don’t like to spread it around. Eva, talk to me, damn it all!”
I said nothing. Very sarcastically.
Sebastian glared at me. It was one of the first times I had ever seen him truly angry. “Eva, look around. Do you think I want to be the vampire King? It’s the last thing I want to do, but I think I can make a difference. We can become a great nation again, so that none of us ever have to loose anyone to the Hunters again.”
“Really?” I asked, my accent making it into a drawled, “Reaaaallly?”
I could see Sebastian gritting his teeth. I have a true talent for getting on people’s nerves when I want to.
And then something flickered in my awareness, something distinctly out of place. I don’t know why I felt it and none of the older, more powerful vampires didn’t, but there was definitely something there. I turned quickly.
There was a split second to take in the scene. A figure that blended almost perfectly into the shadows moved, raising a crossbow to its shoulder. A trigger clicked, and a white, silver-tipped bolt shot towards Sebastian.
Time stopped, and I blinked, seeing everything in a millionth of the time it normally would have taken. I had a choice, one that could go either way, and I had to make it in that moment. If I didn’t, the future of the vampires, the bright and shining future that so many saw tonight, would crumble, and we would be left in the dark once more.

Insanely enough, my mind flickered back to the last time I had seen my family. I had been standing by the fireplace, wondering if I should throw myself in and end everything then and there. But as always, I was too afraid. I didn’t want to die.
My father, standing next to my mother as she sat it the horsehair armchair that had always been her seat, cleared his throat. I closed my eyes, unbelievably tired. I just wanted this done.
“Are you sure, Eva?” he asked, as I had known he would. “I'm certain that if you stay…”
I let out a short, bitter laugh. “Papa, I'm dead. What will you tell your friends when I never age, when I stay young forever? What happens when I must feed? You will not like the questions that come when drained corpses are found around this manor with punctures in their necks.” I jerked my gaze up to my sister, holding her eyes ruthlessly. I wanted to stay, but I had to leave. They didn’t understand, and if I had my way, they never would.
“What happens if I loose control?” I asked quietly, glancing down at the sleeping form in her arms. “You would not love me if I killed your child, sister, and I could not stand your hate.”
Meredith wrung her hands. “I cannot believe you would do such a thing, Eva,” she whispered. “I know you, and you are not as evil as you paint yourself.”
“I am dead,” I said bluntly. “A corpse brought back to life through dark magic, and nothing else. Please, I beg of you, Merry. Let me go.”
My mother gave a short nod, her eyes running freely. “As you wish, Eva,” she said, ignoring the instant protests that rose from my brother, sister, and father. “You must do as you feel fit, dear. But know that you go with our love and blessings, if you do go.”
I smiled at her and turned away from the fire. Bending to kiss her wrinkled cheek, I drew the hood of my cloak up. “I leave tonight for the colonies,” I told them. I should have felt relieved that they would let me go, but I only felt achingly empty as I turned to kiss my father. “I pray that you do not try to follow me, or find me. I will be with the others of my kind, and they do not take well to outsiders.”
Meredith cried silently as we said goodbye. Though she was several years older, we were as close as siblings could be. I touched her son’s feathery hair and kissed his forehead, then looked up. “When he gets older, tell him his Aunt Eva will come get him if he isn’t good,” I bade her. Her shoulders shook silently, but she nodded, clutching him closer.
As I headed for the door, hand touched my shoulder, turning me gently. I stared into my brother Richard’s face. He pulled me forward into a rib-cracking hug, and murmured in my ear, “Forgive me, Eva. If I live a thousand years, I can never atone enough for what has happened.”
My throat was too tight to speak. I reached up and touched his face, sinking fangs into my lower lip to keep from sobbing.
His hand groped for mine, and I put it in his. He squeezed it gently and raised it to his face, pressing the back against his cheek. “If you leave,” he said quietly, “who will be my eyes?”
I let out a soft sob, raising my other hand to brush over his eyelids, shutting his blind eyes. My twin, my best friend, and so much else. We had depended on each other, had never been separate, and now I was going where he could not follow.
“Be strong for me, Richard,” I whispered, burying my face in his shoulder. “Live for both of us. I do not blame you for what has happened.”
After a long while, we drew apart. I wiped my eyes, leaving bloody streaks on my face. Even normal tears were denied to me. I stepped back and turned to the door, knowing that if I did not leave now, I never would.
“Oh, Eva,” Richard murmured as I slipped through the door. “Forgive me.”

“Forgive me.” I whispered the words aloud as I made my choice; even vampires were worth saving, if it meant the low cost of my life.
I stepped into the path of the arrow.
Time resumed with a snap, and I felt the dull impact hit my chest. Pain exploded, but I kept silent, not voicing the scream I wanted to shake the rafters with. Distantly, I felt hands grabbing me, lowering me gently to the ground, and a voice reached my ears through the scarlet wash of agony that my entire chest had become.
“Eva! Eva, wake up, damn you!”
Sebastian, I thought vaguely. He sounded desperate. I was drifting, trying to escape the pain that shot through me with even the slightest movement. Just let go, a part of my mind whispered. You're already three parts dead; why not let the last part die as well? You could see Richard again.
But no. Memories of my time among the vampires—not all bad—filled my head, anchoring me to the mortal world. I didn’t want to leave just yet.
I let out a sound of despair knowing I was still too cowardly to renounce what little life I had. Everything else faded into the background as I reached for my vampire Talent, the special power that was unique to its wielder. I felt it fill me, chasing away the pain, but I couldn’t finish the healing with the arrow still in my chest. It was most annoying, I thought dimly, fighting my way out of the fog that had filled my mind, that no one had tried to pull it out.
I opened my eyes, staring up at the high ceiling. The floor was bloody uncomfortable, but not as bad as it could have been. Sebastian had put down his coat for me to lie on. Kind of him.
With a muffled groan of agony, I got my arm under me and pushed myself up on one elbow. There was a round of muffled gasps in the crowd that had gathered around while I was drifting, but I ignored them. All my attention focused on the dark-haired male vampire who stood with his back to me, currently trying to choke a smaller man in dark clothes. Lord Trent stood with him, looking angry. That was a first. He never showed emotion other than mild annoyance, somewhat condescending amusement, and brisk impatience.
Quite sick of the male posturing that was going on, I rolled my eyes. “Sebastian, if you could be so bothered, would you mind putting him down and pulling this bloody arrow out?” I demanded irritably. Talking hurt. Thinking hurt. I didn’t want to consider what it would feel like when the bolt was pulled free.
At my words, Sebastian froze, the man still lifted a few feet above the ground. Both he and Lord Trent turned in unison, staring at me as though they had seen a ghost. Not even close, I thought sourly. Much as I wished it were otherwise, I was still too cowardly to die. Again.
“Eva?” Sebastian asked in disbelief. “What…how…”
Lord Trent wasn’t quite so tongue-tied, thank all things unholy. He dropped to one knee by my side, peering down at me with assessing eyes. He immediately caught what the problem was and nodded once. “As you wish, Lady Eva. This might hurt.” He wrapped one hand around the shaft of the arrow and looked behind him. “King Sebastian, if you would be so kind as to distract her?”
Sebastian carelessly tossed the small man—whom I guessed to be the shooter—over his shoulder and knelt on the other side of me. “Look at me, Eva,” he commanded quietly. I did, gazing into his dark eyes, and a feeling of utmost peace filled me. Everything went away except those black eyes, so calm and soothing and—
The spell broke as Lord Trent ripped the arrow out. All thoughts of being steady and stoic vanished along with it. I screamed, my body bowing in agony. I fought to keep quiet, not to make another sound, but it was hard. If I had thought the bolt had hurt going in, it was nothing in comparison to having it come out. Silver and whitethorn will do that to a vampire. One touch and we’re almost human again, in terms of feeling pain.
When I got the feeling under control, I found myself lying in Sebastian’s arms, whimpering softly as I clutched the wound. In a cool rush, my power washed over the spot, healing it. Even the traces of silver in my blood disappeared. It was as though I had never been shot.
“Amazing,” Lord Trent murmured. “Does that work on others as well, or can you only heal yourself?”
“Just myself,” I said, sitting up and brushing a few strands of hair out of my face. Sebastian kept his hold on me, but I didn’t comment. “That was why I took the arrow, instead of just letting it hit Seb—King Sebastian.” I looked over his shoulder at where the bowman cowered in the center of a ring of vampires. My eyes narrowed. “Isn’t that…?”
Sebastian nodded, a feral growl rising in his throat. “It is. The Hunter who escaped us in Africa. How he found us here I’ll never know.”
I rolled my eyes. Men. Even the undead version was always so opposed to doing things the easy way. I batted at Sebastian’s arm where it was still wrapped around my waist. “Let me up, you big oaf. I'm fine now.”
He gave me one of his roguish grins. “But what if I don’t want to let you get up?”
I glared at him, then grabbed his arm and dug my fingernails into it. He yelped and tried to jerk free, and I got to my feet. Lord Trent snorted under his breath. I ignored them both and marched into the crowd, straight for the Hunter. The other vampires parted before me, leaving me a clear path to the little man in black.
The Hunter began shaking as I drew closer, and he all but wet his pants as I picked him up by the collar and held him above the ground. I was short—make that petite—but he was a shrimp by anyone’s standards. I felt slightly guilty abusing him like this, but not overly so. The rat had shot me.
“Talk and I’ll kill you quickly,” I snapped at him. “Remain silent and I assure you, your demise will be an eternity in coming. So. How did you find us?”
His teeth were slamming together as I rattled him, but I could hear the words he uttered.
“I followed you. I—I never went back to my group,” he whimpered. “I had to kill you to prove myself worth of living. If I didn’t, I was as good as dead.”
“Well then,” I said kindly. “This won’t come as a huge surprise, now, will it?” And I lunged forward and sank my fangs into his neck.
A few moments later, when he had stopped kicking and hung limp, I let him go and spat out a mouthful of blood onto the floor. “Nasty,” I muttered, wiping my mouth. I turned to find Sebastian staring at me, Lord Trent at his elbow.
Trent chuckled and slapped Sebastian on the shoulder. “Let this be a lesson to you, lad,” he said. “Never cross an Englishwoman. They’re fierce little things when they’re angry.”
Sebastian shook his head in disbelief. “Well, Eva. I was going to ask you to be my queen, but now I’m changing it to bodyguard instead.”
I smiled and licked my fangs. I might be too cowardly to kill myself, but I wasn’t too cowardly to step in front of an arrow to protect the King. It was a nice feeling.
“I accept,” I said.




Join the Discussion


This article has 6 comments. Post your own!

Blood-of-Ink This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm:
Sebastian didn''t actually know Eva's Talent. That's why he was asking. :P
I'm glad you don't think my vampires are like the Twilight ones. These defiitely don't glitter in the sunlight!
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 15, 2010 at 2:50 am:
Finally, real vampires! I am so tired of this Twilight craze!
Aside from that relief, you are a wonderful writer. One thing wasn't clear for me though: if she has the healing power, why does Sebastian think she's dead? Because he knows she's suicidal? But if it's her power, how come in the beginning he asks her if the photographic memory type thing is her vampire Talent?
I would've liked to have known what Sebastian's Talent was, but it wasn't cr... (more »)
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Inkspired said...
Sept. 19, 2009 at 10:23 am:
Even though most vampires are now cliche, as you said, you made this a really well-told story. You are a brilliant writer. Keep it up! Oh, and I really liked your purple sands story too, I just don't comment on articles that have too many comments already! Could you read some of my work and tell me what you think?
 
Blood-of-Ink This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 21, 2009 at 2:42 pm :
I'm glad you like p.s too, but I actually like this one better! My fav of all is The Witch's Tale: How the Wicked Wich found Her Happily Ever After! Please check it out and tell me what you think!
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
unearthlyhaphazard said...
Jul. 23, 2009 at 12:10 am:
This was really good. I liked how you included Eva musing on her family while she was in agony. My favorite part was when she steps on Sebastian's foot and tells him not to be cliche. Keep it up!
 
Blood-of-Ink This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 17, 2009 at 11:19 am :
I thought that comment was ironic, being how by now pretty much all vampires are a walking cliche. but I like that part, too! :)
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Site Feedback