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The Journey to Lost Baggage

“I love you Amanda.” He looked into my eyes as he professed his love.

    “I know you do” with every word I say his heart breaks and so does mine. The person who stands before me is Ishia my ex boyfriend. We had our issues and lets say our relationship did not end well at all. Although, I still care for him, more than I should. I can’t love him back and I see it breaks his heart and I feel the same emotions inside myself. I can feel everyone's emotions when I am with them.

Emotionally drained, nothing left to give. I’m broken down in a dark world, nothing is bright anymore. That’s always when she stops me, Mrs. Lock. She saw the cloud over my head, the bags in my hands. She broke me out of the funk, out of the dark. Ishai had been dragging me down every day. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke into tears and told her everything. How Ishia  cheated on me blamed me for his girlfriend breaking up with him. He always said he loved me after we broke up but, never loved me while we were dating. His game was to play with your emotions, he wanted nothing but to drag me into his pool of depression. I felt his emotions as if they were my own and now I was sinking.

“Can I have a hug?” Ishia was obsessed with physical contact.

“You have a girlfriend and it is not me. I can’t put her through what you put me through. She does not deserve to be cheated on even if she is evil to me.”

    “Okay. I’ll let you go.” He’d been doing this for weeks, everyday actually. His girlfriend was the reason we broke up. They were just friends, just friends that got together way too much and of course behaved as more than friends if I wasn’t around. She was evil, she was mean. She’s doesn’t have a nice bone in her body. No one makes eye contact with her, scared of what she might say. This girl should be scared of me but she doesn’t know how. I played back. I said every hateful thing to her that she said to me. Every nasty name we said to each other in passing was apart of the game. He hated it Ishia always got mad. Yelled at me for not being the bigger person.

    “Seriously right now? I’m who needs to be the bigger person? She starts everything I just play the game back Ishai. She should be scared of me and you know it.”

    “I’m just asking that you are nice to her.”

    “Do you ask her to be nice to me?”

    “No.” His answer so quiet you could barely hear him talk. I was so mad.

    “Then why do I have to be nice? Besides I’m not your girlfriend you can’t tell me what to do anymore. Control her not me.”  I walked away, my hands were shaking my heart racing. I was mad I was so mad I had no way to control my anger. That night my phone kept going off. Ishia was messaging me non stop till I finally answered. He was letting me know how bad I made his life because I didn’t love him back.

    “You told them everything. Why did you tell them these things?” His face lit with anger when I saw him the next day. He’d found out I was venting to his best friend about the hell he pulled me through.

    “Because he is my friend too Ishia and he was there when I needed someone to talk to. He knows what you are thinking better than anyone. He was able to tell me why you treated me the way you did since you were unable to do so yourself.”

    “I was mad at you okay. I feel terrible about it and I still do everyday.”

“Yet you’re still dating her. You don’t regret what you did at all.” I stopped myself before I said anything to hurt him more. I could see his heart slowly breaking with each word I said and in return my heart was breaking just as much. Why did I have to be this way? Why is it when I see someone hurting I feel their emotions as well? It’s hard to feel so much emotion, feeling not only your own but also someone else's on top of it, it’s terrible. There is no more glasses half full only a glass half empty, everything was too dark and gloomy he was pulling me down with every conversation we had and when he broke up with his girlfriend it just got worse. He was obsessed with me, only wanting to be cared for. She broke up with him and then all the sudden he was in love with me.

    “Please, love me.” He begged me every times he saw me it was starting to get old. I started avoiding him in the halls I no longer responded to his texts. I didn’t care about Ishai any more and it felt amazing. This was the end I needed this was the emotional relief I was looking for.

    I don’t see him around much anymore. Occasionally my phone goes off with a message from Ishai, checking in to make sure I’m okay. I never responded. We both went our separate ways moving on to new relationships. It was the best for both of us, and I was finally able to drop all the bags Ishai created.

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