you shall not be missed

July 3, 2016

I held onto it, tightly.
Afraid that it might run away and look back, just to laugh at me.
No one was there. It was just me. Alone. I sat in the park bench on this day that would mark a year in the calendar, and a slap in my memory. His perfume was still there, and it filled me with the murder charges of hope and humanity. I saw him, felt him, needed him.
But I still held onto it. Tighter.
I knew once I let it go, and backed down, I would lose myself.
So, I closed my eyes....
“We can’t go on like this,” he said, with not a quiver in his voice.
My heart didn’t sink like how they would narrate in the cliched movies. Son of a b****. What does he think, I will break down?
Liar. Deep down I knew that I need you, so please don’t be like this. You are the one who taught me how to love in this cold, harsh world. Just hold me tight, and tell me you are mine.
“I..don’t..know, can’t we just forget this and move on,” I whispered trying not to break down even by the slight touch of the breeze. It can’t be like this. Just two months ago, I was lying on his lap in the same park bench, humming love songs. The breeze silently joined our symphony and I knew he was the one. But this breeze was not the same one who passed by me, and it wasn't  the same sun that shone on me. Even with him by my side, I never felt this alone before.
But I still held it close to me. Nothing would make me let go of it.
“Look, I know that we spent time together and I am so thankful you came into my life, but think about it…,” he continued on. Nothing made sense anymore.
“Yejin, are you listening?” I nodded.
“Look, can we just be like how we were before, all happy and...together?” I asked, trying to sound confident that I would fix things up.
“But even if you break up with me, it's fine, I never needed you, I can live without a single teardrop rolling down my eyes. I’m not them helpless b****es who need a man to support them no matter what,” I said. Wait! Yejin-ah, why did you just say that? Why? Why did you just lie to yourself? Did you honestly mean it? And even if you meant it, why are you feeling so guilty? Just take it back...before its too late.
I didn’t. If anything, I held onto it even more.
A silence passed us like it has never before. We had moments like this before but the silence comforted us. It spoke a lot even if we didn’t say anything. We used to bewrapped up in eachother’s arms. No one spoke, and all I heard was his soft breathing and felt the rise and drop of his chest. It felt to so right at the times and it was all I needed to know that he is my everything. But now, this silence was painful and i knew I caused it.
Silently, and slowly, a teardrop slid down my cheek, burning it while it came down.
  *******Jaehyun’s point of view******

“But even if you break up with me, it's fine, I never needed you, I can live without a single teardrop rolling down my eyes. I’m not them helpless b****es who need a man to support them no matter what.”
Did she really just say that? I felt my heart come out and I wanted to escape. Escape from this place where she didn’t want me. How could she say that when....when...I love her so much.Before she came into my life, nothing made sense to me. She confessed to me on April 17. And that day, was the day where I found meaning to life again.
Jaehyun Oppa,
Hi! I’m Yejin, the girl that randomly approaches you in the hallways. I’m sorry If I creeped you out. I’ll get to the point now. Oppa, I really like you. I know it is rushed since we don’t even know eachother and I’m in a grade below you. But I liked you for a while now and everyday our little conversations make my heart flutter and every night before I go to sleep, I wish for you to remain happy. Thank you for being so kind to me. Not all girls are lucky to have their crushes treat them like the way you treat me. Oppa, I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me since I am clumsy and not even pretty. However, I’ll cherish every moment I get to spend time with you. And, if you have a girlfriend, then I hope you two last forever, and she is the luckiest girl in the world.
Her letter to me changed my life. Ever since she came into my life, I found someone who can take in my quirks and give me unconditional love. I never knew we would end up like this. Yejin, baby, please just hug me and tell me that you didn’t mean what you just said. But still, if she made up her mind then so should I.
“Well then, I’m glad to hear that,” I tell her, but I don't dare to look at her eyes.
“Since you are confident and independent, this makes things even easier. You know Yejin-ah, love at this age is a very potent thing. Right now, if we get distracted, our future won’t be as bright,” I said. I didn’t even know why I said that when I knew I was lying.
“You’re right. And besides, we should focus on school right now instead of relationships,” she says with a slight smile.
Yejin-ah, why are you being like this? Just hit me like you used to the other times we fought. Just grab me, kiss me and tell me to shut up. I miss your hugs and how you caress my face when you comfort me.
I would tell her I didn’t want to break up, but if I did, I would make a joke out of myself. I would be those guys who can’t even make up their minds. And besides, Yejin seems confident, so even if I didn’t want it, I agreed on with her and further broke us up.
As she slipped away from me, I held on to it even more.
  *******Yejin’s Point of View******
Another tear rolled down my eyes, but this time I didn’t bother stopping it. How could he be like this?
“Since you are confident and independent, this makes things even easier. You know Yejin-ah, love at this age is a very potent thing. Right now, if we get distracted, our future won’t be as bright.”
How can he say all that so easily? Do I really mean nothing to him? He is my future, my everything. Jaehyun-ah, I want to stop you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I can't.
I can't let this go, because If I do, I will lose my self-respect.

“So, is this it,” I ask, with the slightest hope that he would still stop me. But of course, this isn’t a movie where there is a happy ending.
“Since you and I will be fine,I-I...guess so. But hey, we can still be friends right?” he says.
Friends? I didn’t spend time with you just to be friends. I didn’t love you just to be friends. I didn’t give you my heart just to be friends. You are the reason why I cry, reason why I smile. You make me walk around like crazy, make me jealous. Yet, I want to be with you, and only you. I didn’t fall in love with you just to miss you. If I wanted to be friends I would have never confessed to you.
Jaehyun-ah, can’t you see how much I love you? Can’t you hear me screaming that you are my everything? You know that you are the light to me on this dark life. You are the one who shines on me. Love was a lie before you came along. If you are with me, I don’t need anyone. We were in love, please stop this.
“Um...yeah, sure, why not,” I whisper, no longer able to speak.
I lifted my head up slightly just to see from my side perspective of him doing the same. I could tell we both didn’t have the confidence to look at each other. I fiddled with the gray sweater, fighting back my tears. The wind blew hard. But I couldn’t tell if I was cold from the wind or the feeling of being without him. I always wanted to know how it felt like to be made out of glass. So fragile and beautiful, but with even a slight breath, you can destroy it. I know now that glass is just an illusion, love is fragile.
“Great...I should get going now. I, umm have something to do,” he says. We both get up, but I can barely feel anything. Slowly looking up to his eyes, i manage to force out a smile.
If I dared to look at him for another second longer, I would break, like a glass, into a million pieces. So, I spin around and start down my trail. With every step I took, my heart ached. Tears fell with no control, but I still didn’t dare to look back.
Jaehyun-ah, wrap me in your back hugs, like you used to. Tell me it was all a joke and run behind me and wrap me in a tight hug. I need to feel your warmth in my cold, brittle, glass body. Surprise me like you always do.
But this time, he surprised me by not coming back.
Yet, I still held onto it as if my life depended on it.
  ****Jaehyun’s Point of View******
I guess there is no point of thinking anymore. She is happy and I, I am not. But I will be happy for her. It’s killing me inside, but I’ll offer her something I would never even think of us being.
““Since you and I will be fine,I-I...guess so. But hey, we can still be friends right,” I said.
Yejin ah, please say no. How can I just be friends with a girl that I can die for? Don’t you know how much you mean to me? Please, just stop me.
But instead she says, ““Um...yeah, sure, why not.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. I knew that if I stayed any longer, I would start pouring my eyes out and make her regret staying with me even more. This relationship already let her down, my actions will make her regret things more. Hence I come up with a stupid excuse to leave.
We both got up and as I dared to looked down at her, she looked up at me. Those eyes, those brown eyes that once looked up at me and turned into eye smiles were gone. All I saw in them were our memories. I wanted to hug her and feel her one last time, but she spun around before I could. I guess he really hates me.
Yejin ah, turn around. I’m still here, me, your Jaehyun. Just turn around once and I promise you that I’ll never leave you alone. Just come running back into my arms and I’ll never let you go.
But she didn’t turn around.
And thus, ended our incomplete story.
  *****a year later******
  Yejin’s Point of View
I opened my eyes.
It was over.
My world went blank as the earbud blasted the soft piano in my empty robotic head. It was just nine months ago, in the same park, same bench, same spot. Tears welled up, and wanted to leave me. He left me. I wasn’t alone, people were with me. They ignored me, but they were there. I listened, and listened, and listened to Ailee’s Evening Sky.
“Forgive me,” she said. “Forgive me” I said. It went high, low, dark, slow. I should’ve never let you go. A slap hit me hard. But no one was there. It slapped me back to reality that forgiveness can’t be found and can’t be earned.
Even if he left, love will find me again. But it won’t be the same sun that shone on me. Its like we both were being punished for being naive. For taking him for granted. Tears flowed. They never flowed backwards. I want to catch them because as they fall, my love is going farther from me. I try to hold it back, but he rebels and leaves. That tumultuous goodbye, even after it all, you are still deep in me. Clouds rolled in as Ailee began to ask for forgiveness, as she begged for a second chance. But she knew it was futile, so she left him in her. It's been a year, but I still walk in our path, still smiling, still alive, but falling with every step I take in this evening sky.
I still held onto it. I don't know what you are called in other languages, but in mine, you are hate, destruction, and something that held me back from saving my relationship. I can’t feel you, but I know you exist. I can’t see you, but I can feel the pain you implanted in me. You are the reason behind wars. Wars where no one dies but you are dying every second.You are the reason why people find joy in killing eachother. You are the reason why people go in seperate ways. But your game with come to an end with me, and I do this by letting you go. Letting you go from all veins of my body. Letting you take all the hate out of me. Make me realize the importance of being humble. I don't’ know why I let you come between me and apology. But you are nothing to me. Goodbye my pride, goodbye my ego, goodbye the reasons why I am alone right now.
You shall not be missed.

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