Open Wound

April 26, 2014
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Darling Mikhail,

Yes, Marie is doing fine; she got a bronze medal in the science fair, can you believe it? All from hatching a chick from a robin's egg. You were right, of course; judges eat that s*** up. I'm proud to call her my kid sister.

I'm sorry to hear about Rocky, he sounded like a good man and a good friend. It's not fair, it's never fair, why can't life be fair?

Speaking of life being unfair, I have a confession to make. Please, please keep reading. I know you want to stop reading right here and now, but you have to understand what I'm about to write. Trust me, I get no enjoyment from what I'm about to do.

We met in Mrs. Donell's APUSH class. Remember the first day of class? I still had braces and my eyes were red from the contacts. No one sat next to me or talked with me, but you kept staring at me and smiling. When Mrs. Donell had us line up against the wall and walk to whatever seat we wanted, one at a time, you sat next to me without question.

You made me feel special, like I was a person instead of an occupation of space. I will always, always love you for that. Know this.

Fast forward to junior year. I switched back to the thick framed glasses that actually looked good, my braces were off, and we had been dating a year. The best year of my life, but you were so popular and busy that we had never gone on a proper date. Not to mention that you hadn't kissed me either. On the second week of school, you came in with two bagged lunches and told me to meet you behind the gym. And, of course, I did. And we kissed. And it was magic.

When you joined the army, we both knew we were in love and that it was where you belonged. You've always had a thing for uniforms, and yours was very, very flattering. They sent you first to Germany, then to Africa, and now you're stuck in Afghanistan. It's been a difficult 5 years, Mikhail.

But a faithful 5 years. I swear to God it's been faithful.

You know what you told me, after the kiss, after the 'I love yous', why you stared at me and decided to sit next to me? Because I do. You told me that I had this magnetizing effect on you, that it would be violating a law of nature to ignore this pull. And that was after we started talking, after you made me blush for the first time; you said there was this warmth that spread through your body like a wildfire, that you felt this light, bubbly elation, as though the very blood in your veins turned to champagne and you were drunk off life, off me.

All without a kiss or a touch.

I know this feeling, but I hadn't felt it since you left. Not until I met Carlos 2 weeks ago.

I didn't want to feel it, I swear. But I know that all this, these letters, these pictures, are no substitute for you. I need an arm to wrap around my shoulders, I need a chest to rest my head on and someone to need that of me. I've been so alone and I can't take it.

In all honesty, I'm still in love with you. I think I'm meant for you. But not right now. Not like this. Please understand. Please. If I lose you...

I have no words to describe how I'd feel.

When you come home (I refuse to say if. You will come home, you will be with me, you pessimistic ass), I'll be here. But for now, I need someone here, with me, and you can't. But as soon as you come home, know this: they are gone. Over. Done. Because you'd be back and that's all that matters.

Take my heart. I won't need it.


Sept. 12th, 2010

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