When I was about seven years old, my little brother Charles was starting kindergarten. our parents decided to move us to a bigger city in Florida. Jesse, my older brother, and I were disappointed that we would have to leave our friends. Whenever Jesse would ask our parents about it, they said it would be better for Charles’s well-being; more people, better schools, nice neighborhoods. I being only seven, of course, thought anything my parents said was true, but obviously later on I found out I was wrong.


Growing up was hard for me. I always grew up only around boys, and the only female influence I had was my mother, who was always working. I was always considered a tom boy my whole life and I was never into the whole girly girl stuff. That of course made fitting in harder than it should be right from the start. I remember in second or third grade all the little girls would be sitting in a circle on the rainbow alphabet rug playing with their dolls, when I would much rather be outside reading a book or watching the guys play soccer.


Almost all throughout elementary school I had one friend. I mean I had the accessional acquaintance, but only one friend, Vincent. I knew Vincent for as long as I could remember. Our moms were friends in college. After my family and I moved, we still stayed in touch. We would talk everyday afterschool on the phone hours on end. On my tenth birthday he came to my party, which was just a small family gathering that just so happened to be on my birthday. He brought his friend Stephan who I have recently heard lots about on the phone. I guess he met him at lunacy in third grade. We became friends instantly and the three of us have been inseparable ever since.


Middle school was hard for me. I wouldn’t consider myself bullied, but I was called terrible names and pushed round. High school was by far the worst though, not just school wise. High school was when my parents got separated. It was also when my anxiety escalated; it came to a point where I would sit in my room for a week without going to school. My mind would take something and blow it was out of proportion and I would always feel unsafe and isolated myself from everybody. High school is also when I got my first boyfriend, Vincent and Stephan told me not to trust him. I wish I would have listened to them but, I didn’t and he ended up dumping me right in front of everyone, accusing me of cheating on him. This was not true; because of it I was called awful things and ignored by everyone. I guess I liked being alone but I hated feeling alone.


It came to a point where I couldn’t take it everything was too much. I started to hurt myself. It was better to feel pain than nothing at all. I would only wear long sleeves and jackets to prevent people from noticing. I never told anyone, especially Stephan and Vincent. They would one: either only gives me sympathy, which I hate, or two: turn against me and look down at me. Which now, if I think about it, I knew they wouldn’t; it’s rather silly to even think they would.


I eventually finished high school, barely hanging together. At the time I thought all I needed was to get away from everything and everyone; just forget my past, and start over. But yet again I was wrong. I moved to Oklahoma and stayed at my aunt’s house and went to a small community college. I got a job at an antique book store, walking distance from my aunts.


Vincent and Stephan stuck together and moved to LA liked planned. They went to a university and were roommates in an apartment complex down the road from the campus. They said it was nice there; they got to see their girlfriends a lot more and I should visit or even move there. I told them that I didn’t have the time or money to do either, and we would just have to stick with Skyping and phone calls for now. We all really missed each other. On my 20th birthday they surprised me by traveling here and showing up at my aunt’s door.


I was rereading Will Grayson, Will Grayson for the billionth time when I heard the doorbell. My aunt wasn’t home and shouldn’t be for a few hours, so I knew it wasn’t her, which lead on my paranoia. I swiftly unwrapped myself from my fuzzy blanket and set my book on the coffee table, not closing it. I patted across the hall to the door. There was no peek-hole which irritated me, so I cracked open the door and was surprised when I saw Vincent and Stephan. I gave them both huge hugs,


“Oh my god, what are you guys doing here!” I exclaimed dragging them to the couch.


“Why would we leave you by yourself on your birthday?” Stephan said loudly, jumping on to the couch.


Vincent handed me a silver box with a purple bow and tag saying,
“To: Kaitlin Montgomery
From: Vincent Wellns and Stephan Lee”


I smiled at the usage of our full names.


“I told you not to get me anything,” I smiled, rolling my eyes.


“Like we would listen to you anyways,” Vincent returned the gesture.


Stephan just laughed when I lightly punished them both in the arms.


“Open it already!” Vincent said a little too excitedly.


“Impatient are we?” I laughed pulling the ribbon off, lifting the top.


Inside was a necklace that had an anchor pendent on it. I always loved anchors; they had so much meaning to me.


“Oh my god,” I gasped.


I quickly put it on and held the charm in my fingers.


“I love it so much, thank you!” I said tears threating to spill over my eyes.


“We knew you would,” Stephan smiled confidently.


I hugged them both; wiping my eyes I said, “thank you so much”.


“We also have this,” Stephan said, handing me a white envelope.


“Seriously guys, I don’t need anything else. This is perfect,” I said gripping the charm again.


“Just shut up, and open it,” Vincent smiled.


I rolled my eyes, yet again, and ripped the top of the envelope off, and in side was a letter.
Dear Kate,


We know you told us not to get you anything, but we never listen to you so we don’t know why you even try. Vincent and I are very grateful to have you as our friend. We miss you a lot in LA and let’s face it we know you hate it here. You know absolutely no one except for you aunt. Were pretty sure you don’t want to spend the rest of how many years you’re in college for with only your aunt to hang out with. Okay this is getting to sappy for my liking, so let’s just get to the point. We’ve been saving some money to give to you so you can move down here and go to the university with us. Before you say no, all you scholarships will pay for almost everything you need and you can get a job by the campus and share a dorm. I’ve already done all the calculations and it would be right in your budget. Please consider it. No matter what you choose, when we leave this weekend, you’re coming with us whether you agree to it or not. Enough said.











Love,












Vincent & Stephan


I shook my head “no,” I laughed sarcastically, “I can’t let you do that, are you guys crazy,” Vincent just rolled his eyes, as Stephan began to speak.


“We knew you were going to say that,” he laughed, “that’s why we came up with an alternative,” Stephan finished.


“It would cost more for us to visit each other every other weekend then for you to just come with us,” Vincent said infuriatingly. I rolled my eyes again; closing my book on the coffee table putting the envelope on top.


“I wouldn’t be able to pay you guys back,” I said trying not to further the debate.


“It’s a gift for a reason,” Stephan said.


“But I…,” I started but was interrupted when Vincent said,


“But nothing,”


“You’re going with us,” Stephan said.


“How did you even get so much money?” I said.


“We have jobs Kate, pretty good paying jobs at that,” Stephan said.


I sighed, “fine, I’m only agreeing to this because it’s freezing in hear” standing up rubbing my arms turning the heat up,”


They both just laughed. We continue the night watching the first few Harry Potter movies. Vincent and Stephan slept on the couch and I went back to the room I was staying in. I was trying to sleep, but my mind was flooded with thoughts of moving. I’m not very into change so the though scared me. Soon I’ll be sleeping in my own bed, in my own dorm, with my own roommate. I laughed at the thought that I was speaking of her possessively. After I cleared my mind I soon drifted off to sleep.


It was now Monday; the day I was moving to Los Angeles. The previous days I finished packing, and got everything I needed to transfer to the university. I woke up, and went to the kitchen to make breakfast for the guys, before the long plane trip.


“Ready?” Vincent said walking out of the bathroom with his freshly did hair.


“Yeah Stephan’s putting everything in the car,”


“Your aunts taking us to the airport. Right?”


I nodded my head taking the pancakes off the stove and set them on a plate. Vincent sat on the couch when I handed him the plate.


“Share with Stephan,” I said.


He nodded as Stephan walked in through the front door.


“Everything’s ready to go,” he said sitting with Vincent on the couch to finish eating.


“Let’s go,” my aunt said, walking in from the hallway, out the front door, to the car, applying lipstick.


After we landed we took a bus to Vincent and Stephan’s place to get Stephan’s car so he could drive me to the university. After I got everything situated they took me to dinner and helped me unpack a few things. We finally said out goodbyes and I finally got to know my new roommate Freya.


Freya is a year ahead of me and she’s also new; she came last month. She seemed a little moody, but I figured she was disappointed she had to give up half of the already small dorm to me. We exchanged numbers just in case we needed anything.


I started classes on Wednesday. I was really nervous being that it’s hard for me to talk to people, but at least after class I still have my two best friends to hang out with. I also have Tina and Beth, Stephan and Vincent’s girlfriends, to hang out with. I figured tomorrow i'll finish unpacking and look for a job; because I do want to buy a car so I don’t always have to rely on Stephan’s car and public transportation.


I soon plugged my phone in and grabbed a book I read countless times, looking for Alaska, I flipped to a random chapter and read until Freya turned off the lights.


I set my alarm for 7:30am. When I awoke, Freya was already gone, she told me from the night before she usually leaves about 7:00. I checked my phone, and saw I had a text from my mom saying she misses me; I responded the same and got out of bed.


I hate waking up; I hate facing reality; waking up from a world you can be a 100% happy, to reality, were society ruins people’s lives absolutely sucks.


I quickly got dressed and grabbed my purse and left locking the door. I gave a dollar sixty eight to the bus driver and set off. I turned in job applications to four different café shops near the campus. My favorite one, walking distance from the campus, said they would call me within a week for an interview. I thought to myself while walking back to my dorm. Maybe for once I made a right decision and things will go my way.


It’s been a few weeks since I moved. I love all my classes. Everything about the whole Los Angeles thing has been great, so far, except for Freya. She absolutely hates me. My classes start before hers, so when I wake up in the morning somehow no matter what I do I find a way to wake her up. I always try to stay quiet while she’s asleep, but my clumsy self always ends up failing and piss her off.


I woke up by my alarm on my phone quiet enough just for me to hear it. I procrastinated on my phone for about a half hour until I finally got up and got my clothes out of my drawer. I still had about two hours until I had to meet Stephan and Vincent out front.


“Shh!” Freya grumped covering her head with her blanket.


I put my hands up in surrender, “sorry,” I whispered.


I quickly made my way back to my bed setting my black skinny jeans and BMTH shirt and sweat shirt down. I used my phone as a light to make sure all my homework and stuff was together for class. I began to read some chapters from thirteen reasons why.


The music of my ring tone began to play loudly before I had the chance to shut it off.


“Seriously, shut up, god!” Freya sat up yelling.


I stayed silent as she stormed out of the room; slamming the door shut. I wasn’t surprised; this happens every day. Maybe I should put off buying a car and look for an apartment; Maybe in Stephan and Vincent’s apartment complex.


I flipped the light switch on, changing into my clothes. I brushed my hair and slipped my vans on, grabbing my toiletry bag. I locked the door, and walked to the bathrooms down the hall. I washed my teeth and face.


When I was walking back to my room I saw Annalisa on the other side of the hall. She and Freya were best friends and gossiped about everyone.


“Hey Katie!” she said to exited for my liking.


“Um...uh...hi,” I stumbled out barely audible.


“What?” she question.


I stood there awkwardly staring at my feet not wanting to say the wrong thing.


“Stop being such a loser and loosen up!” she said shaking my shoulders.


I nodded slowly avoiding her eye contact.


“Okay… whatever! Bye!” she said rolling her eyes walking away.


I rushed through everyone straight to my room closing the door quickly sliding down the back of it; trying to slow down my breathing from the oncoming panic attack. I went on my phone to get back to my stable place. I soon got a text from Vincent telling me there on their way. I grabbed my stuff and headed down to the front. I sat on a wooden bench until Stephan’s black car pulled up.


The day went by pretty fast. During creative writing a new student, who I forgot, his name joined us. He had lots of tattoos and a lip piercing which were really intimidating. After classes Stephan and I waited for Vincent at the campus’s garden. After he met us there we went and saw a movie and got dinner. The time they dropped me off it was 8:30, and I was so tiered. I changed into cookie monster pajama pants and started my essay for another English class I was taking. I finally lied down and let Christopher Drew’ voice consume me as I fell asleep.


“So about how much will the total move be” I ask Stephan through the speaker on my phone; trying to figure out how much money I need to get out of the bank.


I found an apartment right next door from Vincent and Stephan’s, and I’m planning on moving in sometime this week.


“About a thousand; give or take,” Stephan said, you should have enough from working right?”


“Yeah, I’m excited!”


“Us too!” I hear Vincent yell “Woot woot!” in the background and laughed.


“When are you getting here,” I hear Vincent’s voice take over the phone.


“Just as soon as I finish getting my paperwork together,” I said, “actually, I’m done know,” I smiled.


“Yay! Do you need a ride?” Stephan’s voice came back.


“No I’m fine, but I’m going to get going,”


“Are you sure?”


“Yeah thanks bye,”


“Bye,” and then I hung up the phone.


Once I got there we walked down to the front office and got everything situated and I was scheduled to move in by next Friday. Later that night we went back to the guys place and I made them a chicken dinner that my mom taught me, and watched reruns of friends. I didn’t worry about getting home early because it was a weekend and Freya wasn’t home. Freya didn’t show any emotion when I told her I was moving. I at least thought she would be happy.


It was about 3:00 am when I got home. Stephan ended up falling asleep so Vincent drove me to my dorm with the sound of mayday parade playing in the background.


I woke up about an hour ago and Freya wasn’t feeling very well so I offered to get her some medication from the store. She wrote down what she wanted and lent me her car.


“Um excuse me sir?” I tried getting the clerks attention.


“Yes miss, how may I help you?” he turned around to face me.


“um…yeah do you…uh…know where… um…to find this…,” I tried to form a sentence but I got to anxious and my words mixed together so I just showed him the sticky note with what Freya wanted.


“Yeah isle four,” he gave me a strange look before returning to his work.


I rushed to isle four and got what Freya needed and got in line. The man behind me and his hair messily gelled back, ink on his skin and metal in his face. His height was intimidating. He looked so familiar; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.


“$5.45” the cashier interrupted me from my thoughts.


“I’m sorry what”


“$5.45 is your total” he said slower and more annoyed.


“Oh, yeah, right here” I said handing him the change.


I took one more quick glance at the boy behind me before I rushed back to the car. I felt his eyes present on me my whole way out of the store. Once I got home she thanked me and I started packing. By Monday I was moved in. I loved my apartment. It’s so weird to say my. When you walk in, to the left there’s a carpet stair case leading to my bedroom. The bedrooms more of a loft when you look over the edge you can see into the living room. If you continue down the hall way you go to the kitchen and living room where the sliding glass door is. Overall it’s the perfect size for just me.


Tonight is my first night sleeping in this apartment. I was sitting on my couch writing an essay as the sun went down. My paranoia was kicking in so I shut the blinds on the sliding door and went upstairs. Vincent and Stephan went out with their girlfriends Tina and Beth. I started to play never shout never trying to calm myself and fall asleep.


It was almost one in the afternoon when I woke up. I don’t know why I slept so late. I decided to get ready for work and eat something. When I was putting my dishes away I hear my doorbell. I knew everyone in the complex was friendly so I tried not to get too worried as I walked to the door. Looking out the peek-hole I saw a tall man with tattoos. He looked a lot like the man from the store the other day. I slowly opened the door, and his eyes narrowed,


“Hello,” I greeted him.


I slowly felt more confidence as his eyes softened.


“Hi…um…uh here’s your mail,” his words got jumbled up; handing me two envelopes and an ad.


Was he nervous?


“Oh um…thanks” I softly smiled grabbing the paper from his hand.


He nodded and quickly walked across the hall to his door. He was…mysterious, and I was determined to know more about him, I don’t know what this sudden confidence is but I like it. Before he opened his door I called out,


“wait!”


He turned around slightly confused, “Yes?”


“Um uh…what’s your name?” I said walking closer to him.


“Why do you need to know!” his facial expression hardened.


I was token back from his rude comment and just stood there with my mouth agape.


“Sorry…um I mean Edwin, my names Edwin. And yours?” he said lightly.


I gave him a confused look before saying, “uh…Kaitlin, or Kate,”


He nodded waiting for me to continue.


“Oh um so…uh I wanted to know if you maybe wanted to get dinner tonight,” I said pointing towards the papers in my hand.


What did I just do! Where is this confidence coming from? Did I really just ask a tattooed, pierced guy, I don’t even know out on a date?


He shifted uncomfortably not making eye contact.


“No, I…uh got to go,” he said blankly closing his door in my face.


I have to admit I was taken back from that. The only little confidence I had taken right from under me. I quickly made my way back to my dorm and lay on my couch just thinking. Before I knew it my alarm was going off telling me I had to head to work.


It was about 7:30pm when I got home. I quickly unchanged and got into the shower. Before I knew it I was waking up the next morning. I had class today; it was so much less stressful getting ready in the morning on my own without worrying about waking someone up.


“So I want you guys to write a story about your life, but not only just your life I want it to be your perfect life; everything goes the way you want. You’re a 100% happy. You can work with a partner if you’d like. This is due next Friday,” professor knight said.


I raised my hand to ask a question about the assignment.


“No questions, Ms. Montgomery, don’t think just do,” he said looking at me before dismissing us.


I slowly stood up and felt someone’s presence watching me. I turned around to notice Edwin in the back with his eyes glued to me. I quickly turned back around, and his head snapped away from me; grabbing his stuff rushing out of the class room. I didn’t think much about it; instead I just went to the front of the campus with Stephan to wait for Vincent. I guess I must have been thinking too much, and staring blankly into space because Stephan said,


“Hey, Kate you okay?”


“Hmm?”


“You okay?”


“Oh…uh yeah,”


“Sure?”


“Actually, I’m not feeling too good. I think I’m going to take the bus home and rest,” I lied.


“We can drive you,”


“No it fine,” I stood up shoving my hand in my pockets after waving bye. I could see the confusion and concern in his eyes but I really just wanted to go home.


When I got to my floor I saw Edwin sitting on the floor in front of my door. I walked up to him and said,


“Um…Can I help you?” confusion clear in my voice.


He stood up and fixed his jeans and said barely audible, “um…yeah actually I wanted to apologize for myself yesterday. I didn’t mean to be rude,”


“Um…okay…,” I said not knowing what to say.


“And, I would like to go to dinner with you tomorrow,” he said too quickly for me to hear.


“What?” I questioned.


“Let’s go to dinner tomorrow,” he repeated.


“I… uh… I um…” I didn’t know how to respond; hoping the confidence from yesterday would come back.


“Yeah, okay, I guess,” I finally said.


“Okay then, I’ll see you tomorrow then, I guess,” he nodded slowly walking backwards.


It was cute how someone like him could look so nervous.


“You have the same creative writing class as me, right?” I said trying to continue the conversation. I liked talking to him I felt more like me than I ever had.


“Yeah, I think,” he hesitated.


“You think?” I giggled to myself.


“Yeah, why,”


“I saw you staring at me…” I smirked. Why am I being so flirty?


His cheeks flushed, “oh,” he tried hiding his face. I just laughed.


“Well I see you tomorrow then?” I smiled.


“Yea,” he smirked. I shook my head and went into my apartment; closing my door behind me. I soon drifted to sleep.


It’s been a few weeks; since I went to dinner with Edwin. Ever since then I feel different. I feel like me; not someone faking a smile trying to get by without society ruining me. I’ve only hung out with Vincent and Stephan about four times in the past few weeks. I feel terrible because of it, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with Edwin. I was actually going to the mall with him today.


I was awoken by my phone ringing; it was Vincent asking if I wanted to go see a movie with him and Beth. I felt bad for turning down his offer but I already had plans. When I heard a knock on the door I knew it was Edwin.


“Hey,” I smiled opening the door.


“Hey, ready?” he smirked back. I nodded and followed him to his car.


“It’s a hundred degrees outside why are you wearing a sweatshirt!” he said as we sat in the car. I suddenly felt super self-conscious and pulled down my sleeves.


“I don’t know, it’s my style I guess,” I look away from him towards the passing scenery.


“Oh, so where do you want to go first,” he thankfully changed the subject.


“Anywhere fine,” I said still avoiding eye contact. I felt his eyes on me, so I turned and gave him a reassuring smile, and he returned the gesture.


We walked around for a while and got some lunch. He helped me pick out a birthday present for my brother, Jesse. We were bringing our day to and end as we walked up the stairs to out floor.


“Thank you for everything,” I blushed. He just nodded.


“Aren’t you hot,” he brought up again.


“No I’m fine,” I quickly said. He rolled his eyes grabbing my hand. I sharply inhaled my breath scared of what he would do.


“Kate,” he almost whispered.


“Yeah,”


“You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”


“We barely know each other,” I said looking away.


“So, I’m not stupid, I know what your hiding,” his grip got tighter and his tone got harder.


“What are you even talking about,” I yanked my arm from him.


He shook his head in annoyance, “don’t play dumb!”
“I’m not playing anything!” I raised my voice and turned to walk to my door.


“Don’t walk away from me either!” he raised his voice also, “why!” he asked.


“Why, what!” I was getting annoyed and wanted to get away from him.


He grabbed my arm again and I yelled, “let me go,”


He then yanked my sleeve up revealing my scars. I was speechless, and he looked at me as if he was disappointed.


“Why?” he whispered still looking at my arm. I pulled it back from him, and pulled my sleeve down. I shrugged my shoulders.


“Please don’t do it again,” his tone softened.


“As long as you don’t tell anyone,” I blackmailed him. He shut his eyes and took a long deep breath and slowly nodded,


“Okay….I’m going to bed….goodnight Kaitlin,” he was then closing his apartment door. I was left pathetically standing in the hallway alone.


It’s been a few months since me and Edwin actually talked. A few days after he found out we got into a fight, more like a screaming battle, in the hallway. One thing lead to another and Vincent was outside yelling at Edwin to shut up, and leave me alone.


“Just leave her alone!” Vincent yelled back at Edwin, “you’re ruining her, she’s never happy because of you!” he stopped to look at me.


“You’re obviously blind. You’ve known her for how long? But you still don’t see she’s miserable!” Edwin yelled back.


“What are you even talking about she was always happy until you showed up!”


“Really? She was happy? Do happy people cut themselves?!”


Vincent showed pure confusion and looked at me.


Edwin cursed to himself. “I’m so sorry Kate,” his voice softened


“Don’t!” I stopped him.


“Kate…is that true…” Vincent shook his head. I ignored him still looking Edwin dead in the eye.


“Kaitlin, I’m sor-”


“Cut it…leave please and don’t you EVER talk to me again!” I yelled tears filling my eyes. He obeyed and went back to his room. I hear crashing; meaning he was throwing a fit, and breaking stuff.


“Kate I’m so sorry; I never realized it before,” Vincent had sympathy in his eyes.


“Stop…please,” I held my hand up and then rubbed my temples.


“You need to get help,” he said calmly.


“No I don’t! Please leave me alone,” I yelled running into my apartment slamming the door.


It’s been about six months since I talked to Edwin. I hate how I don’t feel like myself when I’m not with him. It’s sad isn’t it? To be so dependent upon a person. I think if I never talk to him again I will throw myself of a bridge, not just because I love him deeply, but because he’s my anchor. It’s like I don’t care about anything anymore. My mind is only filled with him. Wondering what he’s doing right now, where he’s at, has he eaten, has he found more friends, has he gotten over what he did to me? I just care about Edwin, and nothing else. The even sadder part is that we weren’t even together. Imagine if we were; obviously we would break up. I don’t mean to be pessimistic by saying that we would break up, but were young and by saying ‘oh I love him and were going to be together forever, and it’s different than any other relationship’ but it’s not, and I can’t predict the future. I just hope maybe someday I we will be close again.


Today was my last day of the semester. I get ready for class and get ready to leave. When I walk out the door I see Edwin. I kind of stopped in my tracks, and in like the movies where all you can see is that one person, that’s how it was. I guess he saw me staring because he walked over to me.


“Hello, Kaitlin,” he said. You could just taste the tension. I politely smiled back, “hi,”


“Um...uh do you need a ride to school,” he shyly asked. I wanted to say o so bad. I need to stay away from him, but I can’t. Everyone makes mistakes; I should know. Just give a second chance Kate, everything will be okay.


I took a deep breath before saying, “Sure, that would be awesome,”


I saw his eyes light up when I smiled at him. We began to walk down the stairs together before he grabbed my arm,


“Kate?” he asked. I turned to him,


“Yeah, Edwin,” I looked up to him.


And that’s when he kissed me.


“Let’s go,” he said after he broke the kiss.