You'll be okay soon.

October 17, 2012
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I remember being in your arms. To you it was a hug given to a friend in need. But to me it was so much more. It meant you cared. I loved you like crazy. You of course never knew. I knew you would never love me back. Never...
I lashed out at you. I hurt you because I was hurt and upset. And because I could. And you would just take it. And that made it so much worse. I was guilty. Looking you in the eye was so hard. I remember you used to have tell me to look in your eyes because I wouldn't. All I saw in your eyes was forgiveness and a need to save me.
I did try to be better for you. A better friend. Save you for once. And I did but not for long. I couldn't stop myself. I tried to distance myself from you but you wouldn't let me. You said I meant to much to you. I never believed that. All I did was hurt you. So I stayed. And then would try to leave and you would stop me and it would happen over and over again. Repeating.
I felt like we were in a maze with a million walls. I was trapped. We both were only you refused to realize it. Or maybe you really diidnt think so. I don't know. I was angry. I grew hate us and you. But I still loved you and us. And I continued to hurt you. It seemed it was all I could do. Talking to you made me feel closed in and trapped and crazy. But I loved it. I loved every moment. I finally got the strength to stop talking to you. And I started getting better. I calmed down, I wasn't as sad all the time. I met a guy who, wouldn't replace you but would be there for me in a way you wouldn't and couldn't. And then I texted you one night.
It wasn't on purpose. And the moment we started talking you we're cold and mean to me. And you had every right to be. I treated you terribly. I guess I realized that I shouldn't put you through that anymore. So told you I hated you. That I wished we had never become friends. That our friendship was a mistake.
I knew hurt you. It hurt me. But what you must know is that I did it so you wouldn't be hurt by me anymore. Even if it meant hurting you one more time. Because I love you. I would trust you with anything. But I don't trust myself around you. I'm sorry.
Don't worry. You'll be okay soon. I promise.

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