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Up To You
I feel so broken. I feel lost and confused. I feel like my heart is about to explode, and it’s building up with so much pressure so it will soon become too much for me to handle. I feel sick and anxious. I feel my stomach churning inside of me, doing back flips and front flips and everything in between. And it’s all because of you.
I want you. I want you so bad that it hurts. I want you to hold me and promise to never let go. I want you to tell me it’s okay, that you aren’t going to hold my stupidity against me anymore. I want you to tell me you love me and that you aren’t going to let anything stop you from showing the world what you’re feeling. I want you to stop being so guarded around me.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of losing what we had. I’m afraid of losing the one thing I’ve been building my life around and hadn’t even realized it until now. I’m afraid you won’t think I’m worth it anymore. I’m afraid you never thought I was worth it in the first place.
I need you. I need you to smile at me and make my heart melt. I need you to put your faith and trust all in me. I need you to let me talk to you and help me keep the conversation going. I need you to let me show you exactly how I feel about you, because words cannot do it alone.
I know I did something stupid. I know it’s my entire fault and the hatred I harbor isn’t validated. I know I shouldn’t expect you to help me fix my broken and shattered world. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for destroying everything good that was happening in my life. I know now I’m in love with you and I can’t lose everything now. I know how you feel about people our age being in love, that it’s not possible, but I know this is the way I’m feeling. I know I could never be so affected by anyone else, and I know my love is to blame.
I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting you even now when I’ve just destroyed every chance I had of having you. I hate that I didn’t take the chance when I still had it and didn’t tell you that I was still in love with you. I hate that I was so naïve to think that I could just stay your friend for the rest of my life. I hate that I knew all along that I would need so much more.
I’m trying. I’m trying to get it all back. I’m trying to uncover one last chance to make you mine, like I had wanted for so many years now. I’m trying so hard to hold on to one last glimmer of hope that I can get it all back. I’m trying to fix this without your help, because I know I’m in no position to ask for it now.
I kept everything. I kept our conversations. I kept out notes that we passed to each other between classes. I kept our memories together. I kept your secrets, whether you believe that now or not. I kept the feelings I had for you for so long I forget sometimes that they were once nonexistent. I kept the fantasy of you and me being together alive. I kept you close to my heart when I had nothing else.
I’m holding on. I’m holding on to the hope that I might be able to get what we had back. I’m holding on that you, like with everything else, will move on from this and suddenly act like nothing happened. I’m holding on to this pattern even when I expressed my hatred for it so much in the past. I’m holding on to the memory of your face in my mind, because I can never let it go.
I can’t think that I’ve totally lost you. I can’t see myself living a life where you aren’t in it. I can’t stand not having you in my life every day. I can’t stand going any sizeable length of time without talking to you and being reassured that you are still a part of me. I can’t let you, such a big part of me, slip out of my grasp. I can’t and I won’t.
I won’t lose you. I won’t let this one moment of stupidity destroy everything. I won’t allow myself to go through the rest of my life wondering what could have been if this hadn’t happened. I won’t allow our worlds to suddenly become parallel with our paths not even touching, not after they had been intertwined for so long now.
I’ll listen to what you have to say. I’ll listen to you if you want to tell me you need time. I’ll listen to you say the things I never want to hear coming from your mouth. I’ll listen for when you decide you don’t want to lose me forever either. I’ll listen if you decide you do.
I’ll tell you all the things I’ve been to afraid to tell you in the past. I’ll tell you all the secrets I have left and I won’t regret spilling my heart out and letting you decide what to do with it. I’ll tell you all the things you already know but no one said yet. I’ll tell you how good I feel when you’re near me. I’ll tell you how empty I feel when you’re far away.
I’ll let you make the final decision. I’ll let you decide where you want to go from here. I’ll let you go if that’s what you want. I’ll let you know first that I won’t hold you back, but if you stay then I would always be right here and by your side when you needed me. I’ll let you know that if you never have to doubt one thing, it’s the way I feel about you.
I’ve said all I have to say. I’ve said the things I never thought I would. I’ve said the things I haven’t even realized until now. I’ve said things you didn’t need me to say aloud and things you did need me to voice. I’ve said everything I know to be one hundred percent truth. I’ve said everything I’m feeling.
It’s up to you now. It’s up to you to decide if you feel for me the way I feel for you. It’s up to you to decide if I was right in thinking for all this time that I would have you mine one day. It’s up to you what happens next. It’s up to you to choose where our lives will go, and if they will stay intertwined. It’s up to you to take into consideration all that we’ve been through before this and how far we’ve come so far. It’s up to you if you want to continue.