Confused

December 28, 2011
I’ve always thought that it was simply impossible to love more than one person at a given time. If you loved two people at once, than either you could easily choose one over the other, or you didn’t love either of them at all. There was no grey area, no place for mistakes. I knew nothing.

I knew I was in love with him. I could feel it. Every time he walked by, every time I heard his voice, I just wanted to melt right in front of him. I didn’t care about all the things he did that I wished he wouldn’t. He was the only one who I could look over his conceited behavior and forgive him, right on the spot. It was so easy.

And then he came along. A new he, someone whom I never really looked at twice before. He would make me laugh, and I would reward him with a wide toothed grin. He seemed to enjoy when I was happy, and it was so easy to give that to him. We had a simple and fun relationship, one that I looked forward to continue working on.

The middle of the night. I woke up in a cold sweat. I had a dream. About him. Not the first one, who I already knew I had feelings for, but the second one. We were holding hands, and laughing. Why did I dream that? What did it mean? It had been so long since I had feelings for someone else, so I had forgotten what it felt like. So I decided it wasn’t so bad, and went back to sleep, ready to dream about my new infatuation.

I enjoyed the prospect of starting over with someone else. I could make sure not to make the same mistakes as last time, perhaps even come out with a different, and much better outcome. It seemed he cared for me too this time around, so I worked to bring that out in him. It worked, it seemed, as we were soon an item.

Every other time I had moved on to someone new, the last person just disappeared into the background, never coming into my light again. And although I didn’t think my feelings for him would ever be the same again, I didn’t want that to happen this time. Keeping his friendship was easy, and nothing seemed to change. We still talked about everything and anything, and couldn’t help but laugh whenever we were together.

I had another dream. It was the same as the first, except for one important detail. The wrong he was with me. Not the one I currently loved, and was with, but the last one, the one that nothing ever happened between. My head was spinning, and I didn’t know what I was doing. Breathing easily, I tried to think straight. I didn’t do anything wrong, I reassured myself. Dreaming and cheating are not the same thing, and I don’t have to worry. No one else will know what happened, because it didn’t happen.

I fell asleep again easily, only to have the same dream again, this time the right he in my head. I smiled in my peaceful slumber. It was only a touch of lingering feelings, I decided. Nothing wrong with that, and besides, it’s all over now.

I had another dream the next night, this time with the wrong he again. What was the matter with me? Why could I not be consistent in my dreams anymore? I knew who should be starring in my night fantasies, yet I could not make it so. They shared the spotlight, each time having me as their leading lady.

As much as I tried to only think of one of them, the one who was with me already, I couldn’t kick the other one out of my mind. Before, I had only thought it was because I wasn’t used to thinking about someone else. Now I wasn’t so sure. I came to the only conclusion that made the slightest bit of sense. I still loved him.

What could this possibly mean? I asked myself over and over. I love the one I’m with, I know I do, but I know that I love him too. This shouldn’t be happening! I should be able to choose! But I can’t! I just can’t!

Head pounding with confusion, I only thought of one solution. I would have to keep this a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone about this latest epiphany. I didn’t want to be accused of being a s**t, especially when I couldn’t even control my own thoughts anymore. I knew I might be found out soon in the future, but all I could think of for now was the present moment. I needed to protect myself and my sanity. That should be top priority.

I walked into school the next morning after my realization, spotting both of my lovers. Guided only by the fact that I already belonged to one of them, I walked up to my newer infatuation.

“Hey,” he said when he saw me coming near.

“Hi,” I breathed, smiling. He looked at me affectionately, and I returned the stare, only to find my eyes were wandering just a bit. In the background I saw him, the other him, looking at us. Seeing he had my attention, he smiled and waved. Not being able to help it, I smiled back at him, a love struck look in my eye. Realizing he might see it, I blinked and forced myself to look at him again. Either not seeing it, or thinking it was all for him, he put his arm around me, and guided me in the other direction. Still feeling both their eyes on me, I stared straight ahead, trying still desperately to make sense of my feelings once more.





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