Refuge

Emotions are like an unnaturally strong storm. Only, they’re natural. Tonight, the strong emotion I was feeling was sadness. It didn’t bring tears so much as it brought on terribly pessimistic thoughts. This kind of sadness was brought on by loneliness. One of the worst kinds for me. It was times like these where I wished that our cat liked me more and would lay on my bed with me, or that my always loyal dog hadn’t passed away a few months ago. My bed was too big for me I felt, so I piled all my stuffed animals around me so that I could feel less alone in this queen sized bed. I only would pile the stuffed animals on either side of me just to push them off the edge of the bed with my restlessness. Then all I can do is wish you were here. I miss the nights when you would sneak into my room through my window, then cradle me in your arms to shield me from the nightmares…

You’re gone. You’re so far away from me. Won’t you come back? I still love you so. No, you won’t come back. I’ll never be able to feel safe in those strong arms ever again. You’re with her now. I won’t have you. I just wish we could talk. Talk… with that thought of sitting two feet across from each other makes me go into a fit of shivers. I pull the sheet over my shoulders. It’s been six months, why am I still like this? Normally I would be long gone too. I would have moved on and found somebody who was “better.” But who will ever be better? Who will ever compare to you? Nobody.

I wrap myself in my sheet and get my cell phone off the desk by my window, the cool hardwood floor freezing my toes. I was sent into another fit of shivers. I curl back up on my bed, and dial the number. The blue tinted light from the cell phone blinding my eyes in the night.

“Hello?” His voice says, the tenor voice groggy from the middle of the night call.

“Hi, it’s me…” I say quietly, hoping he doesn’t need me to tell him my name, or else then I’d just be another one on the list… But he is my refuge. The one voice that would remind me that there are other lonely hearts in this world. He never would admit that he’s lonely, but he is.

“How are you?” He says, I can’t tell if recognizes my voice or not.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Nightmares?” He says, giving me hope that he actually recognizes my voice. I know he’s not you, but it reminds me slightly of you. The way he immediately guesses I can’t sleep due to nightmares. Though I wouldn’t even have had to call. You would have already been here, cradling me to sleep. He’ll never be you.

“No, not tonight.”

“Wait, who is this then?” He said sounding confused. Maybe I should’ve lied and said that I had a terrible nightmare of losing someone as attractive as him. Boosting his overfilled ego would have made him at least pretend better that he knew who he was talking to. I debated momentarily to tell him my name, but I really had already lost all hope, so what was the use?

“Sorry, wrong number,” I mumbled, who called the wrong number in the middle of the night though? Click. I pressed the end button. I rolled over in bed, preparing myself for a long night of solitude in this oversized bed. I wished I had a better type of refuge.

He’ll never be you.





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