December 19, 2011
I swear I live in a bee hive.  My parents are always busy working, just like bees.  I’m not a bee.  I’m pretty lazy. I sit on the computer all day or watch TV.  Mom is at work, being the president of some big company, I’m too lazy to even find out what company she works for.  Dad’s a trucker, gone for weeks at a time just to come home for a couple of days before leaving again.  They pay the bills, so I sit and do nothing.  I’m not a bee.  
“Honey, can you please stop eating out of that,” mom whispers so the person on the other side of the phone can’t hear her.
I put the chip bag down, “Why?”
“You’ve eaten over half the bag and it’s only ten in the morning!  Why do you think I told you to stop eating them?”
“Enlighten me,” I say, grabbing a handful of the original potato chips and shoving them in my mouth.
Mom points to the phone, “Sorry, my daughter was distracting me.”  She walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with the chips.  
I sigh and bring the chips with me to the living room, where I plop down on the couch and turn the TV on.  No good shows on, stupid TV.  I turn it off and sit there, bored.  What am I supposed to do?  I got grounded from the computer and nothing is on TV.  
“Honey, that was inappropriate!  I was on the phone with a very important client.  Get your butt off  the couch, go do something useful for once.  Please?  Why don’t you go over to Ali’s or something?  You haven’t seen her in forever.  What happened with Alec, he hasn’t been over recently?  You guys break up?” Mom sat down next to me on the couch, reaching for the chips.  I let her take some.
Alec, I haven’t heard that name in so long.  It’s been about three months now and my mom just realized somethings up.  My heart aches, I miss him.  Maybe he’s the reason I got so lazy.  After he left, I didn’t know what to do so I would watch soap operas and go on Facebook 24/7.  Alec, I loved him.  He promised that we’d be able to make it when he went to college, well, he lied.  Hot tears surfaced in my eyes, why do I still even care?
“We, um, kinda broke up awhile ago,” I can barely say the words.  A tear slides down my cheek, I quickly wipe it away.
Mom stares at me, “Oh, I knew that your relationship with him wouldn’t last very long after school ended.  Him going off to college and all.  But I’m sorry to hear that.  What about Ali’s?  Can’t you go hang out with her?”
“I’ll call after I get dressed.”
“Good, I’m gonna be in a meeting all day.  Leftovers are in the fridge.”
Mom gets off the couch and walks out to her car.  I hear her leave then I burst into tears.  Alec.  The name stabbed my heart.  Memories flooded back, his kisses, his hugs, his eyes, his hands, his smell, and his love.  I never thought we would break up, we loved each other, or that’s what he told me anyway.  But apparently he didn’t, since he broke up with me.  “We just don’t see each other anymore.  Hanna, I think we should go separate ways.”  I sobbed, alone, in the living room.  I felt abandoned, no one loves me.  My mom just thinks about herself, my dad barely knows me, and the only guy I could ever love left.  Alec.  I miss you.  I think I still love you.  The phone rings, I jump.  With the tiniest sliver of hope, I wanted it to be him.  It wasn’t, it was some dude calling for my mom.  
I head upstairs, deciding to take a shower to try to wash away all the thoughts of Alec.  Of course, as I step in the shower, I remember that fantasy we made together.  I turn the water off and get out.  I put on lounge pants and a baggy sweatshirt, today will be a depressing day.  My bed welcomes me, surrounding me in sudden warmth.  I sit there, starring at the ceiling.  Alec.  Alec.  Alec.  Alec.  God, get out of my head!  I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fall asleep.

My head hurts.  Sleeping didn’t help, I just dreamed about him.  I got up and changed, I need fresh air, the air in this house is probably poisoned.  I locked the door behind me as I walked out of the house then realized I forgot to grab a set of house keys, oh well.  It was pretty cold outside, the sky was full of clouds, and the sun was shining weakly.  I walked out of my neighborhood and towards McDonald's for lunch.  When I get there, I order my food and sit in a booth, the same one I would sit in with him.  I started eating.  Forcing the food down my throat.  I watch the entrance doors open and practically choke on my food when I see who enters.  It’s Alec.


I’m depressed.  That’s what I’ve classified my sickness as.  I’ve felt this way for three months; not wanting to do anything, not wanting to go anywhere, I feel lost.  It’s because of her.  I let her go.  I was stupid.  She’s probably dating someone else, probably Kyle, her best friend.  She’s probably having the time of her life without me.  And here I am, longing for her, telling myself I’m the dumbest guy on the planet for losing her.  She was everything to me.  She was my world.  She was my life.  Stupid college, screw you.  I thought we’d be able to see each other every weekend, but no, I had papers to write, equations to solve.  I broke up with her.  The worst mistake of my life.
“Dude, you have to get out of this apartment sooner or later.  You’ve skipped like four classes already, that isn’t like you,” Jake said, sitting on his bed.
“I don’t want to get out, I’m good staying here.”
“Alec.  Get up off the ground, get dressed, we’re going out today.”
“Jake, I, I can’t,” I mutter.
“Yes you can.”  Jake grabs my hand and lifts me off the ground.  “You have an hour to get yourself together.”
I look at him, “No.”
“Yes, it’s final.”  Jake leaves the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.
What if I see her when we go out today?  Will she be with someone?  Will she be making out on a park bench with Kyle?  What if she’s happier with him than she was with me?  I shake my head.  “Get a grip Alec, get a grip.”  I grab some clothes out of my drawer, I don’t care if they match or not.  
The bathroom lights flicker when I turn them on.  I look in the mirror.  I’m a mess.  My hair is going every which way and my eyes are bloodshot.  There’s desperation in my face.  I need her.  I need Hanna.  She’s the missing piece to my puzzle.  She’s the reason I’ve turned into this depressed monster.  I shower, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.  My special cologne bottle beckons me, “What if you see her...?”, I grab the bottle and spray.  
I still have time.  Forty five minutes to be exact.  I lay on my bed, thinking about Hanna.  Her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her voice, and her touch.  I miss her.  I miss hanging out with her.  I miss talking all night long with her.  I miss her personality.  I miss everything about her.  Why was I so stupid?  I sigh and roll over, imagining what she would look like now.  Would her hair be longer? Would she still have glasses?  Would she be taller?  Would she be tanner?  Would she be happier?  
I remember the feel of her body.  The taste of her tongue.  The smell of her hair.  It all comes rushing back to me.  I remember her soft voice when she would talk in between kisses.  Her mischievous smile she would give me to go further.  The way she would tease me about being weird.   The way she would whisper, “I love you most.”, in my ear.  
There’s a knock on the door.  “Alec, ready to go,” Jake asks.
“As ready as I’ll ever be...,” I sigh, getting off my bed.  I follow Jake to his car, get in, and drive.

Jake stops at the McDonald’s that we used to go to all the time after school.  He parks the car and gets out.  After taking a deep breath, I follow him.  I look in the window, there’s a girl sitting in my booth.  Well, the one I would share with Hanna anyway.  I looked at her harder, she looked familiar.  I walk through the door and see the girl up close.  My heart stops.  It’s Hanna.


My food finally slides down my throat.  I have to get out of here, fast, but my legs won’t move.  I’m frozen.  My heart is racing, our eyes lock.  Alec sees me.  I won’t get out of here alive.  He waves.  I give him a weak smile.  He goes and gets in line.  I have a chance to leave.  After throwing my food away, I head out of the restaurant.  I start walking towards home, I hear the door open and close behind me.  I can’t stop myself, I look back.  There he is, following me.
“Hanna, wait,” Alec says, racing up next to me.
“What do you want,” I ask, starting to shake.
“How are you?”
“Okay, you,” I said, wanting to get away from you.  You hurt me, don’t start talking to me like I’m your friend.
“I just feel empty.”
“So, what’s happened to you in the past three months?”
“Skipped four classes because I was too depressed to go.  Haven’t left my dorm unless it was for emergency purposes.  I’ve missed you.”
“I’m serious.”
“Why would you even think about me?  You broke up with me.”
“I think about you because I love you.”
My heart stops.  Those are words I haven’t heard in forever.  I want to say those words back to you, but I’m afraid that you’re just saying things.  “No, no you don’t.  You broke up with me, so you don’t love me.  Stop pretending to love me.  I would like to go home now.”
Alec grabs my hand, “Hanna, I’m sorry I hurt you.  It was a mistake, I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been so depressed without you.  I can’t do anything knowing your not there to support me on my decisions.  I need you.”
“I’ve....I’ve moved on.  That’s what’s happened these past three months.  I let go, like you let go of me.  Now you came back, telling me you still love me?  I’m sorry,” I lie, each word hurts as it rolls of my tongue.  I’m lying to you.  I love you.  I hate you.  I miss you.  I can’t be without you.  But I can’t tell you this, I don’t want to get hurt a second time.
“Oh.  I guess, I’d wait for me to come back,” Alec whispers, I can sense the hurt in his voice.
“Well, I....I didn’t.  I figured you’d never come back.”
“Well, here I am.”
“Look, if I could go back to that day I broke up with you, I wouldn’t break up with you. I’ve realized that I love you more than I thought.  I can’t be without you, but apparently, you can be without me.”
“Wait, I’m not done.  I miss your smile, when I close my eyes, I see you smiling at me.  I go to bed, pretending your there with me because I can’t sleep without you.  I wake up in the morning, knowing your gone and I sit in bed thinking about you.  I can’t even take a shower without remembering us.  I didn’t want to see you today, to be honest.  I was afraid I’d see you with Kyle and my heart would smash against my chest.  I can’t think straight when I go to class, I fantasize about you, about us being together.  Hanna, I love you, but if you have moved on, I...I can try to move on too,” Alec says, his voice cracking as tears surfaced.


Her blue eyes stare at me,  and a frown creeps on her face.  She shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.  Hanna turns around.  She starts walking.  She didn’t even say goodbye.  I don’t want her to go.  Hanna walks away.  I watch her, it hurts.  I feel a pat on my shoulder, I turn around and there’s Jake.
“Letting her walk away?”  Jake asks, looking at me.
“She has to get home.”
“So, you’re just gonna watch her walk home alone?”
Jake smacks me, “Go walk her home!  I’ll pick you up from her house later.  What are you still standing here for?  Go!”
I run after her.  I let her go once, I’m not gonna let that happen again.  I reach her and wrap my arms around her waist.
“Ah!  What the...”  Hanna turns around.  “Alec?”
I bury my head in her hair, it smells so good.
“Alec, what are you doing?”
“Following you home,” I tease.
I shake my head, “No reason.”
She shakes me off of her, my body tenses.  “What do you want?”
I just look at her.  I want you, I want your kisses, I want your smile, I want to be yours again, and I want you to know that you have my heart.  “I just want to talk.”
“Well, I don’t.  I can walk myself home.”
“Why are you being so cold to me?  Why can’t we talk things through?  Don’t you understand that I didn’t move on?”
“I know you didn’t, but...but I did.  You let go first, I just followed suit.”
My heart hurts, I feel like she’s pushing me off of a cliff.  “Hanna, please listen to me!”
“No.  Go back to college.  Just pretend we didn’t happen.  Act like I don’t exist!”
“I can’t.  You exist.  You are my love.  I am your weirdo.  I can’t just forget about you!”
“I’m not your love anymore.”  She starts walking again.  I feel defeated.  She put up a wall around her heart, I don’t think I’ll be able to get inside it again.  I try to think of something to say, something that will show that she does miss me.  
“Hanna,” I yell, she turns around.  I quickly look her over.  Is that my sweatshirt?  No.  Is that the necklace I bought her for Christmas?  Yes.  She’s wearing it.  My heart stops.  She still cares.  “Can...can I have that necklace back, then?  If we’re over?”

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Wordscantsay said...
Dec. 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Really good i really liked it. Keep on writing things like this!!!
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