Summer Smells

October 31, 2011
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I inhaled a breath deep into my lungs, his natural musk that strong dominating scent with a tang of sweetness attached to the smell of clean sweat coming from him. The smell of heat and fresh cut grass, the choking fumes of carbon burning through my esophagus from a busy roadway, that stench billowed from the open window ahead of mine... It was something about that musky smell of his or maybe it was the heat that brought back the fondness I carried for him in my heart and a memory to my mind.

It was dark that night: darker then soulless eyes. The street lights were low, dimly lit like a candle, not to mention air churned with vivid smells of dusk, of grass, and dew; the air was fluid with sounds of crickets and other little creatures that hurried through the night. I was stealthy on my toes running through the dirt of the back yard waiting for the right time to leave, for the snoring to be heard from my parent’s room. With the rumble of their somber snoring I was up an over the fence into the night! The smell of pinewood and blood took to the air, as I clumsily and awkwardly clambered over the privacy fence. My toes hit the goo like mush earth on the other side of the barrier the animal cages of the yard and I, like the wind was free, and he was waiting for me on the other side. The wind picked up the clean natural smell of his teasing my senses! I couldn’t help but smile as he put his arm around my waist. We walked into the night, the concrete like broken glass rough on my bear feet. On a bridge by the highway we sat listening to the cars zoom by the smell of gas and carbon , an acidic smell choking yet it was part of the intoxication when it came to city life, sitting listening to music close together. I lost myself in the scent that whispered off his skin, that contrasting the man-made pollution that was burning through our lungs. Maybe I was born a romantic, but this night always comes to mind when I catch a scent of the night or even the scent of the one that embraced me and kissed me on that one summer night.

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atimm2013 said...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 10:58 pm
i really like your style and imagery!
ChocoMint said...
Nov. 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Loved the description, though it was hard to get into the flow due to a few grammatical errors. You tend to use commas very frequently. Many of them are justified, but several are unecessary and make your beautiful sentences run-on sentences. You might consider re-wording a few of them.  <><
FangPoet replied...
Nov. 2, 2011 at 8:04 pm

What scentences would you consider changing? 

And thank you for your oppinion.

ChocoMint replied...
Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:45 pm

The first paragraph is great. Most of the run-ons were in your second paragraph.

1) "The street lights were low," sentence has too much going on. Maybe talk about the light in the first sentence, then separate the description about the air in another. A reader will have a "breather," so to speak, and it will give them a chance to envision more of the imagery you are trying to describe.

2) The sentence right after #1 just doesn't sound quite right. Read it out loud to see how you... (more »)

FangPoet replied...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Well thank you for your help. :) Ill get to workin on it.
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