The Loss

October 5, 2011
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“Why are you doing this, April?” I heard the sadness, the disappointment in Nate’s voice. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. But then again, I couldn’t believe what he had done.

“I’m sorry, Nate. But… This isn’t healthy for me anymore. You’re off with Meghan, you’re cheating on me.”

“Can’t you forgive me?” I stopped. I could. I could just forgive him. But why should I? If he cheated on me once, he could do it again. I knew that. I shook my head although I knew he couldn’t see me through the phone.

“It’s just not possible.” I whispered as tears swelled up in my eyes. I felt hot droplets of water fall down my face then down my neck. I had to hold back a sob.

“I love you, April.” I couldn’t hold back anymore. I tried to say it back, but could not find the words. Finally, I was able to sob out “I love you”. Then I hung up the phone, not knowing what to do next. So I cried.

I can’t tell you how long I cried for. All I know is that I cried for what seemed like forever. I was devastated. All I could do was look back on us; on our memories and how much we loved each other, or so I had thought. I started to sleep day in and day out. School was a blur and I didn’t care.

Months went by then I met Eric. We had known each other a bit from Nate. He messaged me on Facebook and told me that he was sorry for what happened between me and Nate. As the months progressed, we got closer and closer until we were practically dating.

“Please, April,” Eric said desperately, “let me in. I won’t hurt you like Nate did.” I shook my head no as he looked me sadly in the eyes. “Please” he whispered. I sighed.

“Okay.” I said quietly. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. By the look on his face, I knew that he knew that I was worried about this. He tickled me to lighten the mood.

“Go Eric! Shoot, shoot!” I shouted at Eric from the stands. Eric slap shot the puck into the net. His family and I cheered in excitement. His arms flew up in triumph. I was so proud of him. When he came out of the locker room later, I ran and jumped up on him, wrapping my legs around his torso and holding him by the neck.

“I’m so proud of you!” I exclaimed as I kissed his lips. He smiled as I climbed down from around his body. He thanked me and grabbed my hand as we walked out of the arena. He was smelly and sweaty, but I didn’t mind all that much. Eric and I were more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.

We were nothing like Nate and I were. Nate and I were very formal and careful about everything. I was happy that I could relax a little bit more with Eric. As the weeks passed, my trust in Eric grew more and more. I was able to trust him with anything; including what had really happened between me and Nate.

I told him how my father dropped me off at Nate’s house because we were going on a dinner date. Just me and him. He said that he wanted to start going on a date once a week. I was really excited about this. At least, I was until I walked into his room to find him on top of Meghan Bracket passionately kissing. I stood there shocked. I slammed his door shut and ran out to the street.

I ran the two miles home. I had thrown my flip flops into the woods and just began to run. When I got home, I flew open the door, horrified. My dad and step mom were out on their own dinner date so I was alone to cry. I sobbed until my phone began to vibrate on my table. And of course it was Nate.

“Hello?” I sobbed into the phone.

“April, oh my God, April. I am so sorry, please forgive me, please.”

“How could you do this to me Nate?” I screamed into the phone, “I thought you loved me!”

“Oh, April, I do, I really do! I wasn’t thinking right, April, I am so sorry!” I heard his voice crack as if he was about to cry.

“No, no, no!” I screamed. Suddenly, the phone disconnected and I heard the roar of his truck as it pulled up to the curb. I heard the engine cut off and then heard his heavy boots stomping up the stairs quickly. Nate busted through the door.

I threw the necklace that had been around my neck at him. “I hate you!” I screamed as he ran over. He wrapped his arms around me as I cried and he just kept apologizing.

Eventually, I pulled myself together. Nate kissed me softly on the lips and whispered “let’s go to dinner, baby.”
“Why not go with Meghan?” I said upset.
“I don’t want her. I want you.” Nate kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand, led me out the door and to the truck. I believed at that point that he had made a mistake and that it wouldn’t happen again. Once a cheater, always a cheater though.

When I told Eric about that night, he was angry at Nate himself although Nate was one of his good friends. I had begun to cry and Eric held me tightly in his arms and whispered “its okay, baby”. With Eric, I trusted him with everything I had. To me, I only had broken bits and pieces of my heart. For Eric though, that was enough.

As Eric and I approached our two months together, we grew closer than I ever had to anyone other than Nate. By the middle of our relationship, I was terrified. I was prepared for anything to go wrong although everything was going right.

One night, Eric and I were in his room. Eric picked me up and laid me gently on his bed, facing him. He bent down and began to kiss me passionately. His fingers began to tangle in my hair as he pulled me closer to him. Then his hands made their way down my shirt, which ended up on his bed although I’m not sure how. He stopped kissing me for a moment as he took off his shirt. We continued to kiss and before I knew it mine and his pants were off. I was laying on Eric’s bed in my bra and my underwear. Eric picked me up a bit and kissed my neck as his hands fumbled with my bra. He then took off the pink thong I was wearing and his boxers came down. Suddenly, the condom was on and I was about to make love to a man for the first time in my life.

Suddenly, what was about to happen hit me. I told him to stop, no, I’m scared. He backed up. He said we didn’t have to do this. I looked at him though and I saw the love for me in his eyes, how he wanted to prove how much he cared. I shook my head and let him take the one thing I hadn’t given Nate; my virginity.

What I had anticipated after that night was not what I got however. I expected that after Eric made love to me, he would be ready to leave the next day or only would want sex. He didn’t though. He never asked. Things just continued on as if nothing had happened. Well, maybe this is a bit of a lie because we did change a little. Eric and I kissed a little more passionately, told each other we loved each other a little more often. We made love to each other once. Then our relationship began to go downhill…

“I don’t want to hang out tonight.”

“What? Why not?” I asked Eric impatiently. He had said that we could go on a movie date tonight.

“I want to hang out with the guys.” I looked at him skeptically.

“Okay.” I said timidly. He cupped my face in his hands and gently kissed me.

“I’m not Nate, April,” Eric said gently, “I’m not going to cheat on you.” He kissed me one last time before I got out of his old Chevy pick-up and walked into my house not knowing what was coming that night.

“Look April, we need to talk,” Eric chatted me on Facebook.

“About…?” I answered back.

“I don’t love you, April. I don’t think I ever really did. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

I was stunned; shocked. I couldn’t believe what he had just said.

“Excuse me?” I typed, “What are you talking about? We were fine two hours ago.” Then I remembered. He hung out with “the boys” tonight. “The boys” included Nate, who had been trying to get Eric to break up with me.

“We were fine,” I began to type again, “until you hung out with Nate.”

“This has nothing to do with him.”

“Then what does this have to do with, Eric?” I was very angry now.

“With us.”

“Call me. Now.” I was furious. He was really going to try to do this to me now? I didn’t think so. My phone began to sing his ringtone.

“Eric? Cut the s***. What’s going on?” I was impatient now, annoyed with him. What was his problem?

“I’m sorry, April. I’m just not happy anymore-“

“Why aren’t you happy? Because Nate told you that you weren’t happy?”

“No, no. That’s not it-“

“Really? It’s not? So what the f*** is going on with you?”

“I don’t know,” Eric said, dumbly, “I just am not happy anymore. I’m sorry, April, I’m done.” I began to sob uncontrollably.

“Fine, I don’t care, leave!” I screamed and hung up the phone. I got up from my bed angrily and grabbed the frame that held our picture from the semi-formal dance. I threw it to the floor; I watched as the glass shattered all over. It felt good. I turned around and picked up the vase that was filled with the flowers he had given me for my sixteenth birthday and that, too, I threw to the floor. The flowers were dead and they scattered on the floor while the vase broke into pieces.

I looked down at my ring finger. Eric had given me a beautiful silver ring with three amethyst stones. I ripped it off my finger and threw it at my bedroom door. Crazy was a good word to describe me at this point. I continued to throw everything he had given me including a necklace that I broke off my neck, a bracelet that had a glass heart that had shattered. I ripped the card he had given me for my birthday and all the notes he had written me. I was hysterical.

Eventually I was too exhausted to stand anymore. I fell on my bed and curled into a ball. I cried for a good part of the night. Sleep overtook me after a while and I woke up to my alarm going off the next morning. I got dressed and began my walk to the school which was only a mile or so away.

By the time I reached the high school, the first and second bell had rung, but I didn’t care. I went to my first period class in the two hundred wing. I walked in late, but nobody said anything. Obviously, everybody already knew. Within the first fifteen minutes that I was there, I decided I couldn’t stand everyone’s eyes on me. I got up and went into the hallway.

I slid down against the lockers and leaned my head on my knee caps. I felt the tears coming down my face as a shadow came over me. I looked up to see Eric standing there with concern in his blue eyes. I put my face back onto my knees and began to cry. He sat down next to me and tried to hold me, but I objected.

“Get away from me, Eric. I don’t want to see you, get away from me!” I nearly screamed it to him. He got up.

“I am so sorry,” he whispered. I watched as Eric turned and walked down the hall. I began to cry into my knees again. I’m not sure how long I was out of the classroom, but when I walked in, again, nobody said anything. My teacher didn’t even glance my way.

Eric seemed to know to leave me alone. I was thankful when school let out and I could walk home. As I began my walk home, though, Eric pulled up.
“Want a ride?” he asked as if nothing at all had gone wrong between us.
“No.” I said sharply. Eric sighed and pulled over.
“Get in April. We should talk.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Please.” I looked around and got in the truck, unsure of myself.
“What do you want?” I was beyond angry at this point. How badly was he trying to hurt me?
“Well, I was hoping that we could go sit inside for a little while and just talk about this.”
“What is there to talk about?” I asked, impatiently, “You broke up with me.”
“Please, April.” I looked at him with a skeptical expression and hopped down from the truck.
“Come on” I said when he wasn’t following me. He got out of the old Chevy and followed me up the stairs.

Once we were upstairs, Eric made himself at home on the couch with his feet up on the table as he usually did. I sat down next to him and waited for him to get his thoughts straight. Words never came out of his mouth though because they were suddenly kissing me. I was taken aback. Pulling away, I asked him what he was doing.
“Shh, baby,” he said gently, “forget all about everything that I said, let me love you.” I didn’t have time to object, not that I completely wanted to. He kissed me with a strong desire. The force in which he was kissing me and undressing me was as if he may never get to again, as if he wouldn’t ever be able to touch me again.

Suddenly, I began to feel the same way. I grabbed the back of his head and wrapped my fingers in his brown hair, pulling him closer. He was in me for the second time now. This time was better than the first; less painful, more loving. Eric kissed my neck while he made love to me, kissed me with great love.

When Eric and I had settled down and put our clothes on after, he wrapped me in his arms. I grabbed the remote as I curled next to him, completely relieved that he wasn’t gone anymore; he would always be here. After a few hours of cuddling while watching That 70’s Show, Eric got up and kissed me passionately before he left. Little did I know that that would be the last time he would walk out that door.

“April, you can hate me if you want to. But I don’t have feelings for you like I used to. I just am not in love with you anymore. I’m so sorry. I’m the biggest *sshole ever.” I stared at the text message for a long time. It just couldn’t sink in that he had come over here just hours before, make love to me, and now not have any feelings. I was horrified. I couldn’t answer the text. Throwing my phone across my room, I fell on the floor.

I don’t know how long I was on the floor in a ball before my step-mother found me. All I know is that shock had taken over me so much to the point where I couldn’t cry. I just lay on the floor stunned. Tina helped me to my bed a few feet away and pulled the covers over my head. When I fell asleep is fuzzy to me and so is what happened for the next few days. All I can really recall is that Eric did not try to talk to me after he sent that message.

My friends tried to talk to me; to make me feel better. I never felt better though, I was in too much of a shock. I tried to focus on school work, but that failed miserably. My mind kept slipping back to Eric. I couldn’t grasp that he had come over and made love to me, and then left. I understand that boys are mean, but I didn’t know that they could be that cruel.

Now, it has been over a year; over three hundred and sixty-five days since I left Nate; since I met Eric; and almost eight months since Eric left me. The pain is still here and so are the scars. It’s difficult for me to trust any guy with my heart. Trust is a major issue now. I gave up myself for a boy who I thought loved me. I wish that I could get back my innocence and I wish I had been a little more careful with it. I wish that I could go back and make this story a “once upon a time” and “happily ever after” story. Sadly, though I can’t. Someday though, I will be able to write a “once upon a time” and a “happily ever after” story.

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