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Missing Heart

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I got another dizzy in my head.
Darn. It happens a lot recently, and it’s really not helping anything in my exam. This algebra’s driving me crazy—I don’t understand a thing.
I’ve just recovered from what happened two months ago, when my motorcycle crashed and got me hospitalized for such a long time. I almost can’t remember anything about the accident, though. Nothing at all. The doctor said, maybe the accident shocked me so much until my self-defense rejected to memorize it. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. I mean, who want to remember about that accident, anyway? Martin said it was a disaster, scary accident that made my motorcycle looked like a trash by that time.
‘Milo Wan, any problem?’ Ms Elliot’s calling my name. She’s looking at me, that one student of her that writes nothing but a name in his answer paper.
I sighed, ‘I can’t do it, Ma’am.’
She’s remaining silent for a second, before she’s finally said the words saved my life today, ‘Okay, you may leave the room now. We’ll do this again when you’re ready.’
Gotcha!
I’m nodding, wearing that expression of sadness and disappointing. ‘Thanks, Ma’am. I’ll do it better next time,’ I said.
‘Don’t push yourself too hard,’ said Ms Elliot, nodding to me.
From the back seat, I can see Martin’s looking at me with that envious look. His mouth’s speaking to me without any sound, ‘You lucky stupid jerk!’ I just grinned, enjoying my victory. The accident finally made something good of it, huh?
I’m walking myself out of the class. I survived the algebra but not all the teachers are as good as Ms Elliot—I can ask for any other lucks. So many things to work out if I want to survived this term, due to my absences the past two months. It’d be ridiculous if I must repeat my senior year next year. It’d be ridiculous to still be a high-schooler when that dude Martin is a college student. In the whole my life, I haven’t been dumber than him.

‘Oh please, I can’t do this. I won’t be graduated from high school at all!’
A guy laughed. ‘Come on. It’s just the basic thing,’ he wrote on something in her paper. ‘See? As simple as this.’
‘Okay, okay, Mr. Brainy, I’m not as smart as you, okay?’
‘One number of physic test won’t make you fail graduated, calm down,’ I laughed again. ‘I know you can do it.’
‘And you won’t get bored of teaching this stupid girl, will you?’

Oh man. I got that dizzy feel again.
Who’s that girl and who’s the guy she talked with? Why their voices are keep spinning in my head?
And why, why’s this thing keep happening to me since the first time I woke up in the hospital? Is there something actually missing, just like something in deep my heart that can’t be explained?
***

‘Why are we here?’ said Clara.
‘Dunno. Milo wanted to go here,’ answered Martin with a little disagreement in his voice.
Martin didn’t think this is a good idea—me coming to this place. This is exactly where the accident is happening—this street. As I said, I remember nothing but the rain and darkness when I speeded up my motorcycle. Why did I do that? There’s something made me in such a hurry—but what?
‘Come on. Enough about the sighting. Can we go now?’ Martin said to me.
I’m not answering. My mind is focusing to that street in front of a café I used to come often. Then I opened the car door, ‘Let’s go there,’ I said.
‘What? Why?’
‘Why not?’
‘… it’s just…’
‘You’re acting weird, Martin,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘You’re always acting weird when it comes to the accident. Are you hiding something from me?’
‘Don’t be silly. Why do I hide something from you?’
I look at this dude, my best friend ever since our day at primary school, and I know he’s lying. He’s never good at that subject. ‘Whatever,’ I said finally. ‘I’m going there with or without you.’
I crossed the street and arrived at the café. It’s just a small café, not the most popular in town, but the place is cozy and the cake is marvelous. I used to come here often, with Martin, Clara, and… and some other friends.
‘Welcome,’ the waitress greeted me, ‘one person?’
I looked back, and I can see Martin and Clara walked out from the car. ‘Three,’ I said.
I sit in a seat and suddenly feel like it’s been a years since I came here. It’s not that long, actually, but it felt like.
‘Nice to see you around again,’ said the waitress.
I’m a little surprised, but now that I tried to remember the face, I think her face is familiar. It’s nice to have her remembered about me too, by the way. I’m such a loyal customer, huh? I smiled, ‘Yes, it’s been a while.’
‘You’ve full recovered from the accident, then?’ she said again, with a sympathy smile. ‘I’m at my shift by that time, you know. It’s really shocking. Moreover, the victims are our loyal customer here at the café.’
Victims?
‘Nah, nah, nah,’ Martin entered the café and interrupted my conversation with the waitress, ‘someone missed the famous cheesecake here, Miss. Can we order three of it? And the usual drinks, please.’
The waitress smiled and noted Martin’s order, ‘At your service,’ she said, before then leaving the table.
‘We eat, then we’re going from here,’ said Martin, as he’s sitting in the other seat.
‘Stop talking like my Mom,’ I moaned.
‘I really will call your Mom if you keep doing anything like this.’
I looked at Martin with a horror face. ‘Since when,’ I said with a very monotone voice, ‘since when my best friend become my Mom’s spy?’ It’s not like I’m afraid of my Mom or what, but like Martin, she won’t like the idea of me coming here. Ever since the accident, she’s sold my motorcycle and every single gears or spare-parts she can find in the house. She’s doing anything that, somewhat, felt like separating me from any details of the accident.
Her attitude, plus Martin’s, made me even more curious about this. There really is something they’re hiding from me.
The cakes come, and maybe Martin isn’t fully wrong—I do miss this cake. It tasted the best than anything!
Martin and Clara, by the way, eating and flirting and teasing each other just like the happiest couple in the world, just like usual. They’re perfect for each other. But somewhat in their talks, again, I feel something that’s missing in me.
Damn. That dizzy again.

‘One cheesecake, please,’ the same guy like before ordered. By the time the waitress gone, he seemed weird with the people that looking at him, ‘What?’
‘Why do you always order the exactly same thing?’ his friend asked. ‘The cheesecake is delicious, but also the tiramisu and chocolate cake and strawberry cake and the other, aren’t it?’
‘Such a boring taste, don’t you think?’ that girl’s voice laughed.
The guy laughed, punched her cheek jokingly, ‘What’d you say?’
‘You have the most boring taste I’ve ever known.’
He smiled, ‘Oh, well, that’s why—now I figured it out.’
‘What is it?’ she looked at him with a questioning face.
‘All this time I wondered why I keep thinking about a very boring girl. Now I figured it out—it’s about taste, huh? That boring girl is just my type,’ he give her a flirty smile.
She’s blushed, but she’s tried anything to hide it out. ‘What? Do you mean me?’
‘Who can be more boring than you, missy?’

‘So you like me, huh?’
‘Yes, I am. Do you?’
‘Well… despite that weird taste of yours, I think you can be handled.’
That friend of them laughed out loud, ‘What is this? So now it’s official?’
‘What? That’s a love’s statement? So not romantic!’
‘Oh, so now Emily Lim is officially yours.’

‘MILO!’
I taken a back and suddenly felt like being forced to the reality again.
‘Milo? You’re okay?’ Clara seemed really worry, and so does Martin. ‘What happened?’
‘What is it, Milo?’ Martin looked at me confused. ‘You seemed to lose yourself at all back then. We keep calling your name but you’re not answering.’
‘I—just,’ I pushed away all the dizzy left in my head, and when it feels clear again, I realized about one name mentioned in my “daydream” just then. ‘Emily Lim,’ I said, and both Martin and Clara’s face changed. ‘Who is this girl?’ This name made me felt something strange. Who the hell is she?
‘Emily…’
‘We’re going back,’ Martin cut out anything Clara’s trying to say. ‘You’re clearly losing your mind and need a rest, Milo.’
I’m not saying anything. There’s no use pushing Martin now—he’s definitely won’t say a word. I must find out myself about what truly happened in the accident, and who are those voices owner that keep me haunted all the time.
***

Is there something in my accident that I forgot? Something matters?
Here the scenario that’s running in my mind. Maybe… just maybe, maybe I crashed someone in that accident? Maybe I killed someone? Did I kill Emily Lim? Or her boyfriend?
That’s thought of killing Emily Lim or anyone made me nervous. I’m just a senior, eighteen years old, and now I’m a culprit of a hit and run accident? Why the police officers didn’t arrest me? Because it’s an accident? Because I got a serious injury too? Or they tried, actually, when I still in comma, but my Dad or my Mom did something about that, like, rented an attorney or paid some money?
Emily Lim. Emily Lim.
What’s with that name, actually?
‘Hello, can I help you?’
Today, without anyone knew (not my Mom, not even Martin), I go to a little garage I found in my Mom’s archives. It seemed like, my motorcycle, or my motorcycle wreck, to be exact, is being sold here.
‘Hmm, well, I’m looking for a motorcycle wreck sold here after an accident in, you know, the street over there,’ I said awkwardly. ‘It’s a red CBR, with some modification…’
‘Oh,’ the worker seemed to know what I searched, ‘that wreck?’
‘You know it?’ I see a little hope.
‘Of course. That thing is a disaster. We took some part that still can be functioning, not much, then dump the rest. Such a waste—it must used to be a very cool ride,’ he said. ‘Do you have something in particular with that motorcycle? Because we’re not have it anymore.’
‘Oh no, not really,’ I answered. ‘Just curious, why’d it sold?’
‘As I said, after the accident, it became a total trash. Plus, I heard the rider died in the accident. That’s no wonder his parents sold the motorcycle that taking his son away…’
‘That’s not true,’ a voice heard before I got more confused. The rider died—I died? So I’m a dying person, huh? Just like the passenger movie? ‘The rider isn’t dead. His friend is.’
A freeze in my body.
‘Friend? That girl sure to be his girlfriend,’ another one talked.
‘What a pity. He’s got into a crash and his girlfriend died. I don’t want to ride even any gears of a cursed motorcycle like that.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ sighed the first guy that talked to me. He looked at me, ‘Hey, are you okay?’
‘Oh—yes, I’m okay,’ I said dizzily.
Come on… not now. Not now.
‘Do you need something? And, eh, you’re friend of the rider or what?’
‘Yes, he’s my friend,’ I said, just to make things quick. ‘Alright then, thanks for the information. I’ll be going then.’
I walked away without answered to those kind people in the garage offering me to rest in their place for a while. This is too much. I can’t think clearly. My head hurt so much, the world seemed to spinning around and around.
Damn. Not this dizzy again. Not now.

A kiss.
It felt warm, and it felt like the world. Every touch felt like heaven, every second passed made me didn’t want to lose her.
‘Milo…’
That girl voice. It’s Emily’s voice. Emily Lim.
‘Don’t say a word,’ the guy’s voice whispered.
My voice. That’s… yeah, that’s my voice.
‘Not even “I love you”?’ she flirted.
I smiled, ‘You got me.’
Emily laughed, ‘It’s getting late...’
‘But I don’t feel like driving you home tonight,’ I said. I looked at her eyes, those bright and lovely eyes, ‘Tomorrow is the day, eh? I don’t want you to go.’
‘Me either,’ Emily said sadly. ‘I don’t wanna leave you. I want to graduate with you. I want to eat those cheesecakes with you. I want to hanging out with you and Martin and Clara just like usual. I don’t want anything change…’
‘But you must…’ I ended her sentences sourly.
Emily looked apologetic, ‘Yes I must,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry, Milo.’
‘It’s just… Germany. It’s so far away…’
‘Emma needs it. Her illness is getting worse, and the doctors here haven’t done any good progress for her. In America, she’ll get better, way better handling from the experts,’ said Emily, just for million times since the idea of she and her family moving popped up. ‘Sorry, Milo… but I love my sister.’
I sighed, killed my egoistic side of mine and tried to be a good boyfriend. It’s not Emily’s own will. She’s doing it for her sister. I like her—Emma. She’s a good kid. Only ten years old, but suffering with a cancer. ‘Okay. No problem. It’s just German, not the moon. We can do skype, we can figured something to worked it out. During holiday, I can go there—or you can go here. That won’t be any problem.’
Emily smiled thankfully, ‘Of course.’
I can’t help but to smile. Seeing that beautiful smile, there’s nothing I can feel but love. I’m the lucky guy for winning this amazing girl’s heart.
‘I love you, Milo. Thanks for your understanding.’
‘I love you too… so much.’
‘Well, even we separated by the distance, we’re close in here,’ Emily touched my chest, ‘in heart.’
I laughed, ‘Well, well, you’re sometimes really smart when it comes into something like that.’
‘What—usually I’m dumb?’
I just laughed again. I wish… I just wish we can be like this forever. Teasing each other and laughed at each other. But then, by the time I touched her finger, a very crazy and worst feeling muttered in my mind. What is this?
‘Milo?’ Emily caught the strange in my eyes. ‘What happen?’
‘No—nothing,’ I tried to erased those feelings from my mind. ‘I’m just afraid of losing you. Why if I lose you, Em? Why if we can’t manage anything?’
‘You won’t lose me.’
It sounded really convincing, and I’ve never doubted Emily’s feeling toward me, but why that feeling won’t go away? ‘You promised me?’
‘Of course,’ Emily smiled, ‘I can find anyone better than my weird man.’
‘No one else that can handle your boring attitude.’
‘Don’t start it,’ laughed Emily.
‘Well, I think it’s the time already. I must drive you home… at the end.’
‘Don’t sound so unwilling like that,’ teased Emily.
‘I am unwilling,’ I said, laugh and handed Emily her helmet. ‘I think it’s gonna rain. I should have taken the car.’
‘Well, let’s pray the rain won’t be too hard,’ said Emily.
‘And everything’s gonna be alright.’
‘It is.’

‘Milo, dear… you’re okay?’
When I opened my eyes, I surrounded by the people I know. My Mom, Dad, Martin, and Clara. And this is… this is exactly my room.
‘Yes, I am…’ I sighed.
I remember now.
I remember everything.
‘What are you doing in that garage alone, Milo? You’ve not that strong to go all by yourself,’ Martin sounded worried. ‘You really can ask me to accompany you if you want…’
‘Those men worked in the garage, they’re all good men. They helped you when you’d fell out in the street, then called your Mom by your phone,’ Clara said. ‘You’re so lucky.’
‘What’s your business in there? You want to buy a new motorcycle?’
That’s not important.
I don’t care what in the world are they saying. Right now, the only thing in my mind is her. Emily.
How. The. Hell. Can. I. Forget. About. Her.
I whispered slowly, ‘She’s died… huh?’
Everyone suddenly stopped talking. There’s a silent for a while.
‘Why are you hiding this from me—why didn’t I remember her?’ I shouted. ‘Because I’m shocked? I’m shocked and traumatic, so I forget about her? That’s ridiculous. Why? Why, by all the things in this world, I can forget about her?’
‘… Milo, calm down,’ Martin sighed.
My Mom started to sob, but I don’t care for now.
‘Why?’
‘Maybe it’s because…’ Clara is crying, ‘because you love her so much, and you can’t accept the truth that she’s died. Maybe your subconscious made you forget about her without you understand why—because it’s better to don’t remember her at all rather than to lose her.’
I freeze when I heard it. ‘No… no, no… no way.’
‘Milo… sorry for hiding everything from you. But we think if you can forget her, it’ll be better, at least until you’re fully recovered after the accident.’
‘She said everything’s gonna be okay,’ I muttered. ‘What’s “okay”? Nothing’s okay at all! I can’t—I can’t live without her. She’s…’ tears drop from my eyes, ‘she’s promised to stay with me and never left.’
‘She’s not,’ Clara said. ‘She’s never left you in the heart.’
Everything I can do is cry. Cry. Such a girly thing. But I don’t care. I lose someone really important to me, and I don’t care what people said anymore. Anything, if there’s anything I can do to bring her back, I’ll do. But there’s nothing. Nothing at all. She’s gone. Not to Germany. She’s gone forever.
***

The funeral.
Finally, I’m going here. I learn to accept the fact that she’s gone. I learn to accept it as the God’s will. He loves her so much, so He called her early.
‘Better now?’ Martin said, when I put a bucket of flower in front of her tomb.
‘A little,’ I tried to smile.
‘I told Em’s parents you have remembered everything, and they’re sending you a regards. They’re not blaming you, and they’re even thankful for staying by Emily’s side for the past one year. They want you to know that you’re not the only one who sad because of Emily’s death, but they want you to know too that’s your life still go on, with or without Emily.’
‘Well, they’re in Germany now, I guess?’
‘Yes,’ Martin nodded. ‘With a good news about Emma.’
‘That’s good. That’s everything Emily’s ever wanted.’
Martin looked at me for a while, and I know he’s really worried about me. I’ve been friend with him for more than ten years, after all.
‘I’ll be okay, Martin. Maybe it takes a while, maybe it takes a whole life time, but I’ll be okay,’ I said.
‘Your life still go on, dude, with or without Emily.’
‘Yes, my life is,’ I said. I take a deep breath then smile, ‘But Emily will always with me,’ I touched my own chest, and I still can feel Emily’s touch there that night, ‘in here.’



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