I glanced at him sitting beside me, he held my hand and he was intently watching the movie. His lips twitched into a smile at something funny. He noticed me looking at him and smiled at me. I smiled back.
Everything about him made me want to cling to him as tight as I could, and even that wouldn’t be close enough. The slight curl to his hair, his soft comforting eyes, and the way his lips smirked to one side, before resolving into a full out smile when he laughed.
I looked down at our hands; he gently rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand.
When I looked back up at him he was looking at me. His gaze steady on my face, like he was trying to memorize it. I looked back almost trying to do the same.
He swept away some hair by pushing it behind my ear. He kept his hand there a second before leaning in giving me a sweet kiss.
A soft, warm explosion in the center of me worked its way to my finger tips and even to my toes.
He deepened the kiss a little further, turning on his side to fully face me. I mirrored his movement and rested my hand on his side. I could feel his heart beating almost as wildly as mine.
All I wanted then was to be like this forever.
In the pit of my stomach something twisted.
He pulled back, and I sat up with alarm.
“Sorry,” he said immediately. What he was apologizing for seemed to stump us both.
The air in the room suddenly seemed stuffy and tight and I just… I needed to get out. “You want to take a walk?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he said practically jumping off the couch.
When we walked outside the clouds were hanging above us, ready let down rain. We started walking and I crossed my arms across my chest. “Sorry,” he said again.
“You said that already,” I told him. It came across harshly and I could see it on him face. I didn’t mean it like that; it’s just that it’s hard for me to say what I mean in awkward situations. “I’m sorry,” I apologized.
“It’s just I can’t do this,” he said stopping to look at me. “I like you too much to actually screw whatever we have up.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “I’m scared that I won’t be good at it. I’m scared I won’t like it. I’m scared that I’ll lose you if I say no.” Suddenly it was like speaking the unspeakable words just left them hanging in the air, and it left me waiting to see what he would say.
But he didn’t say anything; he just took my hands in his and then put them around his neck. He held me tight and rested his forehead against mine. It was then that the rain fell from the sky, just like my words I had felt were suspended there just a moment ago, and it all came crashing down.
As the water hit us he laughed and placed a small kiss on my forehead. He took my hand and we ran inside.
That night when I had a moment to think about my night, I understood that he was telling me everything would be okay between us. He was telling me I was worth waiting for, and I was saying it back. Sex complicates things… it just does. It incorporates extra feelings and emotions that no one really wants to deal with. They push them aside until things build up and it’s just a big pile of crap and emotions you have to deal with.
I know that everyone has their moments when it’s hard to make the decision between doing it, and not doing it… but I’m glad we didn’t… because frankly I don’t want to deal with a big pile of crap and emotions. I would rather focus on the better stuff like him holding my hand and the sparks that still fly up my arm or the little moments like him taking off his jacket for me before I even know I’m cold. It’s those moments that movies are made of and make girls go swoon. Except for me it’s not a movie.