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Just Like That...
hi there. its me. i’m not sure why i’m writing this. its not like you broke my heart. its not like i loved you. (i’m not being sarcastic by the way) i mean we weren’t even dating. remember? you said that. i’m not sure why i’m writing this... maybe i just decided that i owe at least myself some reasoning for why i reacted the way i did. and maybe i owe you an explanation, too. but i just need you to know what you did and what it meant to me.
in three days it will be one month since this all started. i’ve known you since freshman year and i had always liked you. never a huge crush, or even butterflies, but just enjoying the attention you gave me. i had never been that noticed before. you made me feel special even though i knew very well that you treated every girl like that. but i didn’t mind because i didn’t have feelings for you.
although you hung out with people that i thought i knew, you seemed different to me. you always were. you still are so, so different. but in many ways you let me down. in many ways you ended up being exactly who they said you were. who you are. maybe who you will always be.
there was something different about our “relationship.” it wasn’t forced. and for once i didn’t feel like i was settling for less. when we went on that hike you held back branches for me, and i noticed how simple yet sweet that was. i still got deep scratches all over my legs from going off the path. but i didn’t mind them. the scabs from those scratches have almost healed now. funny now how all it took was a month. a month for me not to fall for you but maybe stumble. a month to get scars and a month to watch them heal. just one month.
when we talked i realized how different we were. how different we are. i didn’t feel like i had to lie to you, though. only about two things did i ever lie to you about. and honestly, i’m glad that i did. but other than those two things i was honest with you. and at the time i was certain you were being honest, too. and then we would go back to school and i would see you with all your friends, the girls all over you. and i would doubt that honesty.
when i sat in your car i felt comfortable. i felt at home. i liked the feel of your leather seats underneath my scratched legs. i liked the light smell of the forest that emanated throughout your car. i liked the way i could occasionally see your lime green gum when you spoke.
i just felt like we had such a chance. everything was so real when we were together. it felt as if i was right where i needed to be. and when you were with me it didn’t matter what people said about you. it didn’t matter that we were and still are from different social circles. it didn’t matter how different we were. you, athletic, outdoorsy, and loud and me soft spoken and artistic. none of that mattered. or at least i thought it didn’t.
i remember looking around your car and finding that magazine that i read our horoscopes out of. i remember reading it in my head and hoping for you to not ask me to read them out loud. but you did. so i awkwardly read them, both saying that we would find someone that understood us that month. both saying that we would each find a friend to turn into something more. i had assumed that that would be me. guess not. i remember when you looked at me, with your oddly green eyes, and asked if our signs were a match. i said yes and passed off the tension with a joke. too bad horoscopes in magazines don’t mean anything. too bad i wasn’t the one the little paragraph was talking about.
and then it all ended, although it never really got the chance to start. and that what hurt me that most. we never even got a chance. you never even let us have a chance.
it didn’t end completely instantly though it was far from gradual. we were supposed to go on our first real date on saturday. thursday was the last night we were ever an option. and friday night was the night that whatever we had, or were going to have, ended. but i didn’t know it.
when you didn’t talk to me on saturday or sunday i felt it. i knew that something wasn’t right. but i tried not to think about it. i remember texting you if everything was all right. i never got a response.
on monday i poked your shoulder and you smiled at me. we didn’t talk because you were by all your friends. on tuesday i saw you across the hall and smiled. you smiled back. and i felt silly for ever thinking that something had been wrong. silly silly silly. stupid. stupid. stupid.
tuesday night. the night when i found out what had happened to all those possibilities. all those day dreams that i thought could become realities became day dreams once again. or maybe nightmares.
it was on facebook, of course. you didn’t have the dignity to tell me in person. so i had to find out all alone in my room with nothing but tears to keep my company. you had specifically told me that on friday night you were going to prom with her. she had asked you, and you had agreed. as friends.
i guess you went in as friends and came out as something more. more than whatever we had. or maybe you picked her because it was easier for you. i don’t know but it made sense. of course you would date the fake senior girl. major props to a sophomore boy dating a senior girl.
i didn’t think that would matter to you. it did.
i remember exactly what it said on my computer screen... “i thought i actually had a chance is in a relationship with senior fake girl with glow in the dark blonde(white) hair.” or something like that. i stared at the computer.
i stared and
i stared. my mind had never been so empty. and then i started crying. and crying. it was around 8:30.
and then after an hour or so the tears just stopped. just like we just stopped.