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Forgiveness Not Required - Nor Deserved

By , Toronto, Canada
Belrei had finally made up her mind - it was something that she had thought she would never have to do. It was something that others would disapprove of, but for Belrei, it was a choice she never regretted making. The moment of decision was powerful, yet profound; it was burned in her memory as a pivotal point in her eighteen years of life.




****


White walls plastered with anime posters surrounding her, as Belrei looked across her room to her large brown computer desk - filled with comic books and anime figures. It was neatly tidy and organized; her bed was filled with cute stuffed animals and high school mascots as well as a cotton white blanket. Belrei’s room was filled with the innocence and youth of a teenager - the opposite of her mind, as she suppressed the feelings that dwelled inside her. She shed tears from her heterochromic lilac and pink eyes, filled with self hatred and shame as she felt the deep wound of abandonment. While it may have seemed to most of her friends that she and her beloved, Len, had broke up, this was simply not the case. It had only been a small and trivial argument which Belrei knew was not worth the tears, but she couldn’t help it. Although she had played her part in apologizing and had asked for forgiveness, his voice still echoed in her head, shouting out, You just love to create drama don’t you? If that’s what you feel, then I don’t give a cr*p anymore. Why are you telling me what to do? It’s hard to believe that you’re even sorry. Who the h*ll do you think you are? She threw herself on her bed at the memory of his callous words, her short violet hair waving a crash down with her. She thumped hard onto her comforter, her head spinning from all the tension. All she could think of was a way to fight her way back up to the surface from this dark nightmare.

After the trivial fight, Belrei had only made matters worse by blurting out the one name that wasn’t supposed to be mentioned to Len. How could she have been so careless? The guilt overtook her as Belrei remembered the moment she revealed Altron – her good friend and ex-boyfriend. Rage filled her fragile heart as she screamed, “Why me?!”




****

Belrei chatted on her instant messenger online with Len, curious about his recent quirks. To Belrei, his replies were rather blunt and emotionless – exactly what Len appeared to be recently. She had a ‘friendly’ conversation about the way he acted towards her, uselessly trying to change him. Ten minutes after waiting for a response from him to a simple question, Len logged out, brushing her off with, “I’m kind of busy now.”

But Belrei knew better.

Instead of remaining calm, Belrei streamed an immense flood of thoughts and felt the urge to settle the tension as she punched in his phone number. She heard the sound of his irritation, as he hollered, “There’s a reason why I signed off.” Belrei’s eyebrows lowered as she suddenly realized she was the cause of his annoyance. Despite that, she apologized again, hoping that this would finally end his frustration. However, Len’s heartless voice echoed, “...it’s hard to believe that you’re even sorry.” In spite of her fiery anger, Belrei thought out loud, “You know, I dont’ know who is worse – you or Altron?”
That was when he hung up on her.




****

Belrei tried to stop the flowing tears with her blue pyjama sleeves, but she eventually realized that wiping her tears was useless as they continued to stream down a river on her cheeks. She covered her face with her pillow, sobbing silently – feeling isolated and infuriated. Suddenly her cell phone rang. She sniffled as she got up, wondering who could it be, annoyed that people had always called her at the most importunate time. Cursing the fact that she couldn’t afford caller ID on her cell phone plan, Belrei immediately felt the need to pick up her phone. Swallowing hard, she greeted with a choked tone.

It was Altron.

Belrei quickly recovered from shock, still cursing her expensive cell phone provider and lack of caller ID.

Hey, do you have a...” Altron was about to ask her a question before reacting to her choked up greeting. Instead he changed the subject, “You okay?”

“Well,” Belrei sniffled, as she launched into a detailed synopsis of the fight that she had with Len. Her voice exploded like a volcanic eruption with every moment she mentioned Len’s actions, strategically omitting the moment that she had mentioned his name.

Well into her rant, Altron cut her off with, “Oh. Well....” he paused for a moment.

“Sh*t!” she mouthed to herself. Her mind ran a continuous flood of thoughts at the pause. Was he not interested? Was this the wrong time? What will he say? Oh Lord, she thought, her teeth gritting in paranoia. She had often forgotten that she had previously dated Altron.




****

They had been inexperienced teenagers. Pure and innocent, splashing around the joy of new young love. Like other couples, they laughed, played, made love, and sometimes - but rarely - fought. Their fights rarely reached boiling points, and Altron insisted on talking out every issue until their problems dissipated underneath the waves of calm stability. He had quiet confidence, which Belrei frequently disregarded as she pushed him around. Even when she displayed her outrageous behaviour, he would still forgive her.

Even though she loved him and he had shown so much of himself with her, Belrei had always felt like something was missing. She wanted more passion; he seemed to care, but never quite enough. They always remained close, but she left him to search for fire.




***

“...do you want to come over tomorrow?” he asked.

Strange, Belrei thought. They usually made their plans a few days in advanced; however she accepted the offer, asking what the occasion was.

“Nothing. Just...” Altron paused. Moments after, he howled like the wind that rushed through the forest fire, “...I just need you.”

Belrei’s eyes widened and began to blink, confusion was written all over her face. “Okay,” she replied. After she hung up, Belrei felt a little better from the dreadful recollection of her fights with Len, but she knew that it wasn’t enough to completely relieve her. She figured now wasn’t the time to think about her boyfriend problems. Besides, Belrei had other things to think about, such as spending some time with her best friend, Altron. What did he mean by needing me? she wondered. His tone suggested a burning desire that she had never heard from him before, even during the year that they have dated.






****

Early the next morning, Belrei took her time to bathe her fair skinned body as well as her lilac misty hair - the shower running a waterfall – releasing the unwanted pain from her soul. Wearing an ivory wool sweater and a pair of navy blue jeans, Belrei quickly threw on her long black jacket as well as her tall black winter boots. Locking the door with her keys, Belrei headed to Altron’s place. She walked down the road, with her hands in the pockets of her jacket, and hopped on the bus that had just arrived; the stench of someone smoking weed surrounded her body as she moved past the crowd, disgusted with the smell thanks to her meticulous nose. She took a seat at a secluded area, with recurring thoughts about the phone call from last night. Now that she had thought about it, Altron and Len were two very different people. One man treated her better than the other – which she had been clear since day one. However her head was blank from the bright sunrise over the Harbour Front as well as the fresh smell of the lake, calming her. She enjoyed the vibrant view from the window for a while before looking down on her cell phone, filled with old text messages. Belrei felt indifferent towards Len, who she had often referred him as “Her Beloved” in her many text messages to him. Beloved? Was he even considered one at this point? He was a completely different person when she first met him – nicer, more romantic and much more generous. But that’s all gone, Belrei thought. She didn’t even want to think about it. At least, not right now. Someone needed her, she noted. Altron needs her – not Len. However, some memories just couldn’t be extinguished.




****

Belrei met Len at an anime convention. She had been drawn to his incandescent eyes, which reminded her of glowing fireflies. They had been so similar, each of them living in their own world. They are both sexually adventurous and she had finally found the passion she had been looking for. Or so she thought at first. The passion she found often meant conflict and Belrei hated the way Len treated her when she was upset. Len would hold his feelings in and give her the silent treatment until it was convenient for him to forgive her. The recent fight was no exception. Belrei shouldn’t have been so blinded by the exquisite feelings he lit in her; he was a former bully and had always rebelled. At the start, their fights had mostly revolved about the fact that he smoked, a habit that Belrei despised. But lately, it was as if every issue was combustible, which always seemed to be only moments away.




****


Her head burned with black charcoal inside her as she got off the bus, her eyebrows furrowing at the memory.


Belrei arrived at Altron’s townhouse, admiring his mother’s recent addition of a fountain in the front yard. She entered the house, the living room somewhat messy, surrounded by black sofas as well as stuffed animals lying around. Although the room was crowded, it felt empty at the same time. Belrei suddenly noticed that Altron was home alone – his parents? Out. His younger brother and sister? Out as well. Belrei took off her boots, hung her jacket and followed Altron to his bedroom in his renovated basement.

Altron sat on his bed, rearranged with the ocean of sheets and blankets around. Belrei joined him, relaxing against the wall, playing in the sheets amongst her feet. She imagined them as indigo water lapping at her toes. With the thought of the phone call, the same question echoed in her head; why did he need her? Knowing Altron for several years, he rarely showed his emotions this easily. Belrei didn’t think much of what he said that night, whether or not it was a serious matter.

“Um...were you serious about what you said last night?” she asked nonchalantly, not thinking it had been that serious of a request. Not even a second after, Altron rushed beside Belrei and wrapped her in his arms. Her eyes widened in shock as he held her, tightly and desperately. What was going on?!” she thought.

The room was silent, quiet like sea after a storm.

Belrei’s eyes lowered at the embrace, feeling his warmth wrapped around her. It felt more natural for her, even now. His heart flickered as she slowly wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Sorry for bringing you all the way here so early,” Altron apologized, “I just needed comfort.”

“...it’s okay,” she replied, leaning her head on his chest, listening to his breathing as steady as the tide. Belrei knew that Altron would remain calm no matter what the issue and would find some way to manage. But this time was different. What exactly happened? She thought. It was unusual for Belrei to feel this way around Altron.

“You may not like this, but...” he paused, “....I might be moving away.”

“What?!” Belrei gasped, “....why?”

“Well, see... I’m not supposed to say anything... but something bad happened with my family.”

Belrei trembled a crashing wave, panicking on the inside. Her body quivered like she was in icy cold water as she asked herself; does that mean that she’ll never be able to see him again? Belrei shivered as she mumbled, “B-b-but that’s...that’s not fair.”

She felt Altron’s fingers clutching her arms as he slowly cradled her. He remarked, “It’s not for certain yet, Bel. It’s still happening, so we don’t know how it’ll go. If anything, I’ll keep in touch – so don’t worry about it.”

“But still...” she quietly sobbed.

“All we could do is hope nothing happens,” he said to her, turning to face away. Belrei noticed a gleam of light reflected on his cheek. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. Not looking at her directly, he whispered to her, “I just don’t want to leave you.”

The fear of losing her close friend, the one that she had always cherished, the only one able to accept her – it strucked her like lightening. It was common to miss a friend, but for Altron, it was different. Belrei knew that she had Len; the thought of her boyfriend ignited something in her. Tears suddenly formed as she clenched to his orange t-shirt tighter. For Belrei, this was worse than any fight she had had with Len. Altron had been her first love. She realized that it was the fear of losing Altron that had ignited in this surge of passion in her heart - not Len. “Altron,” Belrei whimpered. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. Not even the fact that Len was her boyfriend. It was as though Altron’s tears had extinguished any fire remaining from her feelings for Len – he meant nothing to her now. To Belrei, Altron was everything. In his embrace, Belrei opened her soft eyes. At that moment, she had made her mind. Belrei didn’t care if others condemned her and she knew she would not regret it. The decision was made in only an instant, but this was the most powerful moment she had ever felt.

Belrei immediately leaned to Altron’s face until their lips met. The pain was too unbearable for her to take. Altron slowly closed his eyes and kissed her back, embracing her even more passionately than before. He wanted her badly. She slowly pulled away and breathed for a moment, smelling the salt from their sweat and tears.

“Altron, I don’t care if Len will hate me for doing this,” Belrei declared, “but I’ll never be able to find anyone like you again. It doesn’t matter if we’re ever boyfriend and girlfriend again, or if we are just friends. But I’ll always love you, no matter what happens.”

His heart raced and he smiled even more as he whispered, “I’ll always love you too.”

They took their time to submit to their irresistible body heat and make love to each other. As she took Altron’s thrusts, Belrei burned with desire, calling out his name, her undying lust for him rapidly heightened. Time flew quick as they reluctantly approached to the climax; eventually, she was in Altron’s arms – resting on his chest, listening against his tide like breathing; only this time the tide was rushing in. Belrei smiled tenderly at Altron. Underneath the soft grin, there was a hint of treachery.




***

Len, I’ve had enough of you hurting me. This is your punishment for doing so. I am not apologizing for this – ever, for I will never ask for your forgiveness again. It’s just as well, fire is never truly forgiving.



The End





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