Reality

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It was June 6th, 2009 and it was pitch black in your room. The mood was somber and still as you entwined your fingers through mine. The blackness in the room poured over like a tidal wave drowning both of our souls. The only noise audible was the faint breathing from our chests and the sound of my heart breaking at the seams. I paused in the moment and asked myself - How did I get here? I never asked for love; love tugged on my heart and chained me down. My eyes were open, but they were shut at the sam time because all I could see was your big brown puppy eyes that used to glow like the sun. In this moment, I recalled the final words I spoke to you when you let me go. "This is a nightmare in which I'll eventually wake up and gain the strength to live again."

We sat on your couch as I waited for you to speak first, and you waited for me. With the strength I had left inside me, I looked you in the eye and told you how much I missed you. Six months later and I still could not let you go like you had let me so effortlessly. For what seemed like hours, I poured out every emotion in my soul to you. Everything that I had mustered inside of me for the past year was laid out right on the table. But with every word that emerged from my mouth, you inched further and further away from me, reminding me how deep this scar was.

With the moon peaking through the drapes, you looked at me and smiled the weakest smile you had left inside. "You look so pretty when you cry," you said. "You're so naive and your heart sings the saddest song I've ever heard when you are forced to break down like this. Do you remember the dreams and aspirations we used to share? We were crazy! We could've dreamed of saving the word -- and we would've accomplished it...together." You gently spoke these words as you burshed your hand against my cheek and stared in my green, bloodshot eyes. "But in life, sometimes you grow up, and you end up hurting the people that once made you feel alive. I'm so sorry, Courteney."

As your words reiterated through my ears, I kept hearing my conscience remind me that this was my fault -- that I made him walk away and leave me in his shadow. Without a second thought, I let go of your hand and closed my eyes. Doing this, I imagined our "picture perfect moment." The kind you see in movies, where the boy realizes he is wrong and runs right back into his beloved's arms. But at this moment, I realized that time is meaningless. If you don't cherish what you have in the palm of your hand, it will slip away before you even realize it was gone in the first place... .

It is June 6th, 2009 and it is pitch black in my room. I open my eyes to find the most bittersweet sadness aroused in the air. Without a second thought, I immediately closed my eyes and tried to go right back to sleep so I could hear your voice again. All I wanted was for you to say my name, but you are just a dream. A lousy dream. And as my attempts kept failing, I was reminded that the nightmare I had just dreamt not only haunted me in my dreams, but reigned through my reality with a tight grip that wasn't going to let go.





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