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July 10, 2010
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He smiled at me beautifully,flawlessly.But this smile was worrying.
It was filled with sadness, as if he was leaving soon.I sat on the
top of the hill nervous to see what he would say next. I should have
seen it coming.

We were the perfect couple in my mind. I Loved him completly,no matter
how other people saw him.To me,he was extraordinary. His beautiful blonde
hair that was just cut at his chin,his sparkling blue eyes that made me
feel like I had a reason. Everyone else seemed to see him in a different
light.They saw how childish he could be,how cocky,how rude.I didnt care.
I saw past what they saw,and to me,he was a perfect gentlemen.

Four months and the "I Love You's" were exchanged. Some thought it was
too early for that. I thought it wasnt soon enough said.We were together
almost every day possble. We had our own secret places we would go, to
get away from everyone else.We loved our secracy,we loved the passion
we shared and we loved this complete twoliness we had. In sync of
eachothers movements. I got completly lost in him every time we were
alone.I couldnt concentrate on anything else,just on this perfect
specimen that I Loved..and who somehow Loved me back.

"I'm going away for the summer..dont worry,I'll be here for you when
I get back,nothings going to change" I couldnt believe it..I couldnt
spend more than three days apart from him without losing my mind. I
couldnt take this.. but I had to. He was leaving for almost the whole
summer and I had to cope without his constant presence,without the touch
of his skin against mine,without hearing him whisper how he felt about me
so softly and tenderly in my ear.

That last day with him was amazing. We kissed so intensly,as if it
was dangerous to stop. We held our last embrace before he left for
so long I felt my arms get tired,but I refused to let go until I had to.
"I'll miss you" he whispered to me as he kissed my neck. I wanted to
tell him how I loved him too much to handle being away from him that long,
how I never wanted to let him go. All I could manage was "goodbye". I
squeezed him tight for one last time,and let him go.


We e-mailed over the summer and though mine were long and filled
with "I miss you's" his were short,rushed and simple.

"Had a massive water fight with kaine,it was cool.goin to grans tomorrow.ye,you too,
bye"

They got worse from there..less information,less enthusiasm until eventually..there were
no e-mails at all. I was worried. Terrified really. I asked everyone what I should do,
what I should expect. They each told me not to worry. They told me that his feelings for
me before he left were obvious,strong, and that they would be no different when he returned.
I was in a constant state of panic the week of his return home. Waiting,anticipating.

I saw him and smiled hugely. I couldnt help it,all my worries were gone straight out the window.
He hugged me hello. And i felt like my entire body was on fire. He took me to one of our special
places,we kissed feverishly and passionatly for hourse. Something felt a little different
but I chose to ignore it.He was back,WE were back. perfect.

Looking back on that last week I can see clearly all the signs I missed. His kiss
felt different. He spoke to me about other girls. It seemed he didnt want to talk
very much anymore, he'd just take me off alone somewhere. And so I sat on the top
of that hill,feeling more than complete heartbreak,but utter stupidity too.I should
have noticed how our bodies were no longer in sync,we didnt move to eachothers
movements anymore,but I chose to ignore it.

"I just dont feel the same anymore,since I got back.." he trailed off from there
and I put my head in my hands and shook violently. "I..I..cant..I mean..I guess.."
I took a deep breath..it seemed my dignity went out of the window when my worries did..
I had let him use me for that week. "I..I..Should've saw it coming..I mean I did..I think"
I stood up and walked down the hill,not looking back and letting the tears stream down
my face. I tried to pass out the rest of the group that were with us fast enough so
thye wouldnt see my face,blotchy and red from the tears. I got to the end of the grass
trail when I saw my best friend standing there "He didnt..did he?" shock and anger exploded
across her face. I could see she was about to charge "Dont..please..just leave it.."

I barely spoke for days afterwards,I couldnt bring myself to eat very much.
I waited more than 2 months for him,and he used me and then broke me into
a million tiny pieces. And since then,I've never been the same.





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