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We can never be an us again, Chapter 1: Friends?
I could hear cars driving by and my shoes dragging on the sidewalk. I looked to my right down the alley way and all I saw was a dumpster and some newspapers. I could smell burgers being cooked at Big AL’s I heard some people talking ahead. It was a lady standing on the corner in gray, shiny short shorts with black fishnets underneath, and a puffy white jacket. There also was a short man in a work suit. It looked like he was handing her money and she got in the car. Then they drove off, now it was quiet. I looked up and the clouds started to slowly cover the moon, then it was gone. I reached into my pocket and took out my IPod. I needed music and I needed to calm down. I scrolled down my list of songs and found “Harder than You Know” by Escape the Fate. I pressed play and turned up the volume, I was walking with an angry swagger and then I remembered my secret place. I had to turn down Bright Street and walk straight ahead to a mini park. The name didn’t really matter because the bench is all that mattered. I used to always sit on it when I was with him.
I walked over to the bench and sat down; I remembered all the memories we had in that park. I looked at the empty space next to me and noticed a little heart carved into the bench. It was the heart he drew with our initials in it, saying that we loved each other … and that we would be together forever. But we didn’t lasts forever and I knew we wouldn’t. Then my eyes started to water and everything was getting blurry. I wiped my eyes. smearing my eye liner, and taking a deep breath; I calmed down and listened to the lyrics of the song. “You said this could only get better, there’s no rush because we have each other, and you said this would last forever, but now I doubt if I was your only lover.” It just made me want to cry even more because those lyrics are about us. I stood up and stretched and I could hear faint foot steps walking my direction. I sat back down and there he was standing in front of me, I turned away and wiped away the smudged eye liner.
“Hi there,” His voice sounded so sweet but bitter at the same time, bitter with pain and depression.
“Hey,” I barely choked out; there was an awkward silence as he stood there.
“What are you doing out so late?” He walked over slowly and sat down next to me.
“I don’t know. I just needed to get away,” He patted my back
“Everything will be okay. You’ll find someone better.”
He knew what I was thinking, I was thinking of him…us…and that no one could fill the deep, dark cuts in my heart that he left. I turned towards him,
“No it won’t be okay, and I won’t find someone like the one I had before.” I took a deep breathe and stood up, I turned towards him and told him to stand up. He just stared at me with a puzzled look, but slowly stood up. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him as he did the same. My eyes started to water but I looked up anyways. “Anthony you know I still miss you, right?” He just looked down at me and nodded I didn’t want to let him go but I had to, I backed up a couple of feet and stared at the ground. I pressed the play button on my IPod again and the last couple of words played. “Don’t talk to me, I’m trying to let go, not loving you is harder than you know.” It just kept playing through my mind; he walked up to me and hugged me.
“I know how you feel,” is all I heard.
“With what?” he still didn’t let go.
“Well with the lyrics at least,” I just wanted to jump up and down; I knew what he was feeling because I felt the same way too. I looked up at him.
“So you still have feelings?” I tried to be calm.
“Well. Yes. But I probably shouldn’t be saying that,” I didn’t know what to say next, but then I just blurted it out.
“…Do you still love me?” I just stood there feeling like an idiot, and backed out of his hug.
“Well. Maybe.” I was happy when he first said it, but now I’m not because I know we would never be an us again. We just stood there staring at the ground, and there was that awkward silence again. I turned off my IPod and sat back down on the bench; he then walked over and did the same.
“Hey… I remember that” he said looking at the bench; he was looking straight at the heart.
“Yah, I remember drawing that, when we were….” He trailed off. Everything seemed so awkward and I hated it being like that and I hated having these feelings for him still lingering. I leaned against him, too tired to hold myself up under all of this pressure and pain. He kissed my forehead and took a deep breathe.
“I think I should get going, my Moms probably freaking out and wondering why I’m not home.” I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t really want to be there. It was, different and I didn’t like it that way, I wanted it to be the same and have it be like we never gave up on each other.
“Don’t think you’re weak because you quit on me, maybe you were just strong enough to let go…”
“I didn’t quit I just….I didn’t want to deal with getting hurt again,” I wondered why would he even say that? I didn’t quit, I didn’t give up; I just didn’t want to get hurt again. But he just doesn’t understand it like I do.
“I have to go, I’m going to be late and then I’ll be grounded….I’ll see you around?”
“Yah, I guess you will more often now…” I started to walk off but then he turned me around and gave me a hug goodbye. Then he let go.
“It’s not a goodbye, lets put it as ‘see you later.” I thought to myself does he want to see me? Like more often now…or is he just trying to confuse me with words?
“Well. See you later.”
“See you later, Emily,” he made it sound so sweet and innocent.