My true feelings for him

May 3, 2010
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Every Time I look at him it hurts, when I hear his name I have to smile, why can’t I just get over you? It kills me even more to see you with her. And I remember all those times. I thought you would be the one, the one person who was there for me and a person I can trust and lean on when I need someone. But you were the same as everyone else I have been with. You say that you won’t leave me and you turn around and leave me here crying my eyes out. I missed the way we were before she came along and messed up what we had. I always think about if you truly love me like you say you do, and u don’t want to loose me. Why is she in yours arms, while I’m sitting here trying to move on and tell my self that you don’t mean what you say because if you did then I wouldn’t be here trying to forget what we had and trying to act like everything is fine and normal.

When all I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out. I see you in class and the way you use to look at me when we were dating. Just hoping that you will whisper I love you. Now you tell me that you won’t even talk to me any more. Do you like hurting me? I miss the way we use to touch and every look. I won’t feel complete and I won’t until I have you in my arms. I guess I have to live without you. I still love you with all my heart, But I get a feeling that you love me, love to hurt me every chance you get, I hear what you tell everybody else.

I need to feel your touch, I need to feel your lips on mine. When I was in your arms I felt safe. I miss you hugs and kisses. I think about how lucky she is to have you. And she doesn’t even know how lucky she is. I hate that its fine when you start but after you get me to fall in love with you, you break me like I mean nothing to you. Like I don’t even have feelings, why did she have to ask you? I love you so much and I still do. You own my heart and you don’t even know or care about it. God if I had the chance to go back in time and have it jus be me and you like always, I mss the way I use to sit on you lap, with your arms holding me close to your chest. I always thought to myself that you would be the one. But now I can’t even go a day with out looking at you. Then I hear that you said that I should move on. Like a lot of other things its easy said then done. Why does this happen to me.
What did I do to deserve this I gave you all I had. I gave you my heart. I
knew that this would happen. Knew I was going to be the one to be crying and having to pretend who I really am and how I’m feeling. Do I mean little to you, do I look like some thing you can jus play with, then break it when your done. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!? I know that I’m not suppose to say that if I really love you. But you hurt me, you keep hurting me, you never had feelings and you never cared about me. So why even talk to me, so you can hurt me more, so you can see me cry and die inside, is that it? I look at you looking at me and I think to myself wow how I can be so stupid.

I knew it was going to happen but I guess we can’t pick we fall for. If we could I would never have fallen for you I knew it. I love you but you jus keep throwing me into my personal hell where you’re up in front of me and jus laughing well I’m crying and dying in front of you. Saying how you hate me and how you never loved me. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?!?! I told you everything about me but you jus keep on going like you never loved me. Do I look like im plastic and have no feelings or heart and that you can just play with. Break me when ever you want. Why would you do that to me? What did I ever do to you? Is this what I get for loving you? You’re my everything, you’re the reason why I breathe, god why do I love you so much? I don’t want to love you. I want to go back to the way it use to be. Why do I allow you to hurt me the way you do.

What is wrong with you? I know if I really loved you I wouldn’t have said that. But you hurt me and you keep hurting me. And I jus allow you to break me over and over again. I try to move on but I can’t, I guess I love you to much to let you go. But I have to if I ever plan to stop being in pain. If I was smart I would let you go. Go get me a new guy, but my hearts not letting me. My head is saying fool jus move on and forget. But my heart is saying don’t let him go Morgan. He’ll come around sometime.
But what if I don’t want to wait until then, because I know how it’s going to end. The same way it always, me crying my eyes out over you again. Me being in my personal hell, begging and pleading with you to stop hurting me. I love you and all you do is break me. And you tell me that you want me and you don’t want to hurt her. Then why are you with her? If you want me I don’t get you. Do u just love to hurt me, is that it. Is that what you say to your self everyday. because I love you with every being of my soul. But I love him also and I didn’t know what to do.

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Katuria:D said...
May 12, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Wow. This is really heartfelt and I was so creeped out because it was almost everything I wanted to say. I can relate to this in almost every way. I went through the same thing, and I just didnt know why I could'nt move on. To this day, I still see that person and theres still that little nagging thought, "what if" but now it's more bearable. It's not easy to move on...
SilentDeath134 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 13, 2010 at 9:35 am

yes wow i agree this is how i feel whenever i see him this guy im basicly in love with and your so right Katuria:D its not easy to move on at all

But keep writting your amazing

Morgan52 replied...
Apr. 21, 2011 at 1:09 pm
yeah an he promised that we would be together for high school. cuz we were in 8th grade when this happend and then we get to high school and were about to get back together and then he just crushes me again, 
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