played out in my head

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“what are you staring at?” you asked. I was staring at you. “I’m thinking” I replied. it was true but the next question was never expected. “about what?’ you asked. there was a long pause, how could I ever tell you what I am thinking. I cannot even admit it to myself or my friends. By law of nature I sold you a “nothing” and you were satisfied with an awwww. then I couldn’t take it any longer, only I beat around the bush, something I never really do. “do you love her?” I had to ask. figures you’d answer with a question “who?” huh. you know. but this is one conversation you’d rather not have, not now, not ever. but I’m persistent, and once I start I don’t ever stop. “your girlfriend?.” I said in a dead voice to hide all the emotion. I guess the question is more of are you capable of love?! but that’s quite rude, even for me. I knew you’d give me the look you gave me. the one like do you really wanna go there? the one with emotion so passionate I fell so hard for. the lack of the L word isn’t coincidental even strangers vibe off of us and can see the chemistry. even strangers can see through my thin wall that only fools myself. they all know I’m not over you. perhaps I never will.





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sleeplessdreamer said...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 9:38 am

This needs some work. I think you are a poet at heart, because your writing reads like a poem. There's nothing wrong with that, but I recommend better grammar and separate this story into paragraphs. It's a good story, just make it easier for the writer to read with better grammar. 

Check out my work if you ever get the chance! I would really appreciate it. 

 
babigerl1194 replied...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Well i almost tore it apart to make it like a poem but i didn't know how. though im glad you said i sound like a poet becuase it is poetry that i like most. and thank you for the feedback i appreciate it when people tell me the things to fix and are harsh. now im on my way to check you out! :)
 
sleeplessdreamer replied...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

No problem. I really loved your poetry. You are a natural born poet and I can tell that's where you really feel the most connected to your work. Thanks for checking out my stuff!

 

 
a.m.f said...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I really like it but it'd be so much easier for the reader if you started different paragraphs when someone else is talking.
 
sky_is_womb said...
Jul. 13, 2010 at 5:52 pm
i really liked this- good job! it was short but to the point, and were really able to capture the emotion
 
A_Dreamer replied...
Jul. 13, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Very meaningful, I love it! :) I could definitely tell there was a bunch of emotion in this piece!
 
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