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EC+AM=4ever Chapter 39
July 10, 2009
The wedding was only nine days away and whenever I thought about it, my stomach fluttered with butterflies. However, at that particular moment, I was completely at peace. Probably because I was lying back against Ash’s chest while I read Twilight while he read over my shoulder.
I finished the chapter I was on and closed the book, making sure to slip my bookmark in between the pages so I wouldn’t lose my spot. I sighed and looked up at Ash, not saying anything.
“What’s up?” he asked me in curiosity.
“Well we’re getting married in nine days.” I stated.
He grinned and replied, “Yeah, I’m aware of that.”
I smiled back at him weakly, “And you’re leaving for war in eleven days.” I added.
His grin faded and his eyes glazed over with this woeful look that I recognized from all of our fights, both the times his mom kicked him out, and when I was with Cole. And I couldn’t stand to see it anymore. Because every time I did, a small piece of my heart cracked. And I was pretty sure that if I saw this look one more time, half my heart would be shattered.
“Don’t think about that right now.” he told me.
“How do I not think about it when it’s happening so soon? We’ve barely planned any of this out.”
“What do you mean? We have the entire wedding planned out.” he returned.
“Yeah, but what about after that? What do we do after we’re married? If you think about it, this marriage is kind of pointless since we won’t even get to see each other afterwards.”
Now when he looked at me, his eyes were filled with that same hurt expression I’d seen way too many times before. There went half my heart. “It’s not pointless. How can you even say that?” he demanded. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to know that even when we don’t get to see each other, I’ll still be there for you. Do you feel the same way about me?”
“Of course I do.” I assured him.
“Then our marriage isn’t pointless.”
Why am I suddenly feeling so nervous about marrying Ash? Is it just pre-wedding-anxiety or am I having some kind of last minute change of heart? Although, I’m not sure why I would do that. I love Ash. And I want more than anything to make him happy, but I’m not so sure that getting married to him is the best choice.
I wish I wasn’t so reluctant about this. I feel like I’m bipolar or something. One minute I’m all thrilled to be with Ash, to be marrying him…and then the next minute I start freaking out about it. Why can’t I just make up my mind?
Gosh, I hate being so indecisive. I guess I just don’t want to make the wrong decision. Plus, I keep having these thoughts… Thoughts of Cole.
Yeah, I know that I should be way past that now. After all, I’d dumped him so that I could marry Ash. I should be happy with my decision. But I’m not so sure that I am. I keep dreaming of him, picturing his face. I don’t know why. I feel horrible about leaving him, but I don’t regret it.
Why can’t things just be simple for once? Why is my life such a soap opera? Why am I suddenly so uncertain of everything?
I know why. Because of Ash.
“Dad?” I asked, as I knocked on the door to his bedroom. It was July twelfth, six days after my birthday and he was still angry about the dispute between him and Ash.
He opened his door with a huff of rage, “What?” he demanded.
“I hate that you’re so mad at me. Can’t we just talk about this?” I pled.
“Sure, we can talk. It won’t change anything, but we can talk.” he retorted.
I sighed, a bit frustrated. “Why can’t you just accept my decisions?”
“Why can’t you just accept my judgments? You’re eighteen years old. You don’t need to be rushing off to get married.”
“But I want to make Ash happy. And if marrying him will do the trick, then so be it.” I replied. “I love him, Dad.”
He bit his lip and stared into my eyes, “He hurt you. So many times. How do you know that he won’t do it again?”
I swallowed hard, my throat feeling tight, my mouth dry and cottony. “I don’t. But I love him enough to risk it, because I trust him. And I trust that he won’t hurt me.”
“I don’t.” he muttered.
“Well you don’t know him like I do. And maybe if you would just take a minute to stop judging him for what he’s done and see him for what he is now, you would realize what a good person he is. But you just have this assumption that he’s some horrible person that is incapable of changing his ways. And you’re wrong.”
“No, you are. I’ve seen guys like Ash before. They try to charm you, they’re players, they lie to you, they hurt you, they play with your mind, with your heart. They start to control you, they use you until they’re finished with you, and then they leave you. And they don’t come back.”
I felt a tear roll down my cheek, leaving a damp streak on my cheek. “Ash isn’t like that. He’s not going to leave me.”
“Really? Because the last time I checked, he’s leaving two days after your wedding.” he snapped back. Then he stormed back into his room, shutting his door with a slam.
I stood right outside the door for a moment, frozen in shock. How could he say that to me? Was that really what he believed? Did he actually think that Ash was just going to leave me?
It didn’t even matter. I knew Ash better than anyone. And I knew for a fact that he would never really leave me. I also knew that he had a commitment to his country. And going to fight for it is definitely not leaving me. Technically it is, but he had no choice. It wasn’t like he wanted to leave me.
He was a hero.
And I wasn’t going to let Dad or anyone else for that matter tell me otherwise. It wasn’t like my dad was the one going off to fight in the Army. No, he was too busy trying to destroy my marriage with persuasion and poor judgment.
But it wasn’t going to work. He could try to convince me not to marry Ash all he wanted, but I was still going to. I guess Dad was right after all. Talking didn’t change anything.
In fact, it just made things a whole lot worse.