Lamentations of Love Part 2

January 27, 2010
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It’s been a week exactly since Josh and I had our little incident. I feel… I feel empty inside. Almost as if something very important is missing. I’m still trying to come to the realization that the person I loved had done this to me. Wasn’t love supposed to be fun? I always thought that if you loved someone then they would love you the same way back. I can’t believe I was so naïve. I just wish I would’ve been able to see his motive sooner. Despite that life sucks. Everywhere I go I think about him, I see him repeating what he had done at the motel, and it’s literally driving me insane. If see someone laughing I can just see them pointing at me saying things about how I wasn’t able to defend myself. I know it’s just me being paranoid but I can’t help it, it’s like the worlds against me almost and I just can’t take it, it’s unbearable. People come up to me all the time and ask what’s wrong with me and it’s starting to scare me, it’s almost like they all know. Part of me wants to tell them what happened but I just can’t. Every time I think about saying what he did to me the last words he said to me that day echo in my head “If you tell anyone about this I swear I’ll do it again and next time I won’t go easy on you understood?” and it eats away at me, and today I just couldn’t take it.
In my mandatory leadership class, my last class of the day, we were partaking in a lesson about saying no to sex. At first it started out okay but then we watched this video about teens that apparently weren’t wise about partaking in abstinence and now they had some huge problem like an STD or some new cancer. It was so stupid. Once the video ended we discussed some ways to avoid sexual intercourse. After going over the grueling five steps of abstinence a hundred times our teacher asked if we had any questions. No one raised their hands except for Jeremy Strauss the class clown.
“What about rape,” he asked. “Wouldn’t it suck if you did all of that planning just to have it taken away like that? I just think that people who’ve to been raped allow themselves to let it happen. They’re so stupid , I mean come on who would actually let that happen? Personally I think they just say that to cover up the fact that they wanted it.” Everyone started to snicker and chuckle under their breath. My fists began to shake uncontrollably at my desk. How dare they. Did they actually think this matter was funny? What if it happened to them huh? Would it be so funny then? The bell rang and everyone left except for me. I began to shake uncontrollably with sobs and tears began to trickle down my face.
“Ms. Dixie,” Coach Harrison asked. “Are you alright? Is there something I can do?” I Just looked at him the tears emitting from my face like several miniature waterfalls. “Ms. Dixie tell me what’s wrong you can trust me.” You can trust me, those words burned as he said them and it brought me back to that day. I ran out of his room, I couldn’t take it those were the exact words Josh said before he…before he… I can’t even say it. I ran down the halls and went into the only empty room in the school, the girls’ bathroom and I cried my eyes out. All I could think during this time was how this had to happen to me. Life is so unfair.

You are never gonna guess what happened today after seventh period. So I’m strollin the halls right just mindin my own business and getting my stuff to take home when all of a sudden I hear this loud shriek. It was so scary I had never in my life heard something so inhuman not even on scary movies. But then I realized it wasn’t shrieking but crying. So I decide to follow the direction the sobs were coming from and I finally came up to one of the girls bathrooms.
“You okay in there, ”I said.
“Just go away,” the voice replied. “ I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine from out here, Ya sure you’re okay?”
“Just go you wouldn’t understand”
“Bet cha I could I’ve been through some stuff so trust me I can relate.”
“Don’t say that”
“Don’t say what?”
“That I can trust you.”
“Why not? we may barely even know each other but I’m sure I can help you cope with what you’re going through.”
“You just wouldn’t understand.”
“Well I’m not goin anywhere for the next few hours so your pretty much stuck with me.”
We kept at that simple conversation for an hour just talking to each other. Sharing our hopes, pains, dreams, interests, pretty much everything that we were made up of I even told her about my dad and I don’t even talk to my own mother about that situation.
“I gotta tell ya, I said. “I’ve never been this open with anyone not even my own family.” I started to laugh. “It’s so weird I don’t even know who you are, I can’t even see your face yet I’ve told you everything about me.” She laughed too.
“Ah that’s the spirit,now tell me whats wrong.”
“No you’ll never understand,” she said.
“Of course I won’t you gotta tell me what it is first.” I got no response. I couldn’t believe I was about to do the unthinkable.
“Alright, I said. “ I’m commin in there.”
“No you’re a boy you’re not allowed in here this is completely off limits you can’t come in here it’s girls only.
“To late.” I entered the girls bathroom and to my surprise sprawled up against the wall was Susan Dixie.

After my long talk with Adrian those three months ago, we bonded and became inseparable. I didn’t tell him right away what had happened to me, in fact it took me two months. When I told him he said that I had to tell the authorities. I said that I couldn’t and I quoted Josh’s final words to me that forsaken day.
“You actually believe that,”he said.” “Even if he’s being serious you don’t have worry anymore, I’m here and I’ll protect you I swear.” I stared at him dumbfounded at what he said. I didn’t know what to say. “And even if you don’t tell and I’m still here to protect you think about him and what he might do to his next girlfriend. Do you want that to happen to anyone else?” He stared at me long and hard and I knew deep down he was right. The next day I called the Police and Josh was arrested and accused of sexual assault. I testified and he was sent to jail, just like I told him. As they dragged him off he looked at me menacingly.
“I hope you enjoy these next few years Sue,” he screamed. “Because as soon as I get out I’m coming for you got that.
“And I’ll be waiting right there for ya buddy,” Adrian added.
After that I guess you could say that Adrian and I clicked and we started dating. He was so sweet and he never did anything without consenting me. I was so surprised that this was his first relationship. He was a natural, and because of him, I truly understood what love was. I can see clearly, now that love isn’t just two people calling each other cute names. It was being able to share with someone your true feelings and them returning them to you and I was sure without a doubt that I’d finally found that someone, and I was honored that someone like him was taking the time to love someone like me. Me someone who had been broken and tattered, I was so unworthy of his affection. Yet he took the time to slowly put me back together and because of that he has earned a special place in my heart where only he and God dwell and he’s forever a part of me.

It’s been six years since Susan Dixie or better yet Susan Santa Cruz and I met each other. We’re currently married and we have two beautiful babies twins in fact, a handsome boy named Tyler and a beautiful little girl named Mara. I eventually got over my shyness and popped the question our sophomore year in college. We got married a year later. I must say that I am loving and enjoying every moment of it just because I’m spending it with her. She is everything I’ve ever wanted and swear I’m going to do everything I can so that I won’t lose her. She’s my everything and because of her I know God loves me because he took the time to sculpt her just for me. I leave with this bible verse, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


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