You Lied

January 18, 2010
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“Don’t f*** with me. Be real.” Pleading eyes drifted over tanned skin, smooth face, and white teeth.
“I’m being real. I wouldn’t lie about something like this.” His smile was small, innocent, brown eyes perfectly unreadable. I studied him for a moment longer, not sure what I was looking for, his words already kicking my heart into an erratic rhythm.
“Okay.” My lips agreed before my mind could catch up with them, signing my heart away to a ditch it would never come out of. He nodded once, smile turning into a smirk, tucked a finger under my chin in an offset tender gesture, and turned on his heels, placing the hat sideways on his head as he walked away. His sleeveless shirt disappeared around a corner, the last words he’d ever say to me stained in my mind.
Pulling my emotions together and thrusting myself into a love so open and vulnerable was a hard thing to do. I had to have a certain sense of security inside of my heart and had to know how to be strong when things didn’t go as planned. I had to be able to trade in dreams for reality and accept the way things were going to be, not dwell on the fact that they wouldn’t always be perfect. Relationships and love aren’t for the weak hearted, and no matter how strong I thought I was, I would never be strong enough for plain, blunt, utter rejection.
All these things I learned after throwing caution to the wind and believed words muttered through a desperate mouth and hungry eyes. I was so thirsty for acceptance, to feel like I was appreciated and not just something to leer at and throw out the next day. I needed to be wanted, and just when the person I thought to be right came along, I ignored my doubts, tore down my own walls, and threw up the middle finger to self-consciousness. I threw myself into a trust I wasn’t ready for, gave myself a bad image, and have been trying to bandage my wounds ever since.
I tried to be that person that didn’t have a care in the world. I tried to be that person that didn’t hold anything back. Only fingers crossed for good luck and a smile plastered on my face as an invitation. But I invited the wrong kinds of people. I trusted everybody who ever said anything to me, and I let myself fall deep for someone I realized later I knew absolutely nothing about. I never understood how something I wished so hard to be perfect crumbled around me, and I doubt I ever will, but I know emotions need to be tamed, trust needs to be spared, and people are just along to screw you over unless they can definitely prove themselves otherwise.

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