I just forced myself to forget you. I forced myself to move on. I ignored you in the halls. I pretended not to see you walk down the street. I blocked out the sound of your voice. I erased the thoughts I ever had for you. Or, tried to at least... Then, it happened. I finally just collapsed and moved on. It was like there never even had been a possibility. It was like we never kissed. It was like we never had held hands. It was like we never even had met each other. This went on for months. You had your chaotic life and I had mine. We strode down different paths. You never even crossed my mind.

Then, I saw you again. I glanced at you for the first time in months. Had it really been that short? Only months? It felt like decades. I noticed your dark, warm, comforting brown eyes. You were walking down the hallway and you just stopped behind me. I was at my locker gathering my books and binders to bring home. We locked eyes. I felt the need, the urge to look in your eyes forever. I never wanted that moment to end. I got lost in your eyes. You looked almost apologetic, like you were sorry we weren't better friends, like you were sorry I wasn't your girlfriend. But, I felt the fire in my eyes. I felt the thirst to keep looking. But, I knew what was happening. So, I forced myself to look away. I coaxed my eyes to look at my backpack. I tried checking if I had everything but I realized I had checked already. I almost dared to glance up again, but I thought better of it. I could still sense your presence. I could almost feel the small, warm light that came out from around you. No, it wasn't a light. It was more like darkness. Then, your friends finally walked over and exclaimed, "Come on!" You came to your senses and walked away.

It all happened in that moment. We both felt frozen. I was locked, chained and frozen into my spot. I was kneeling at my locker. Then it happened. My eyes followed you like a hawk. My brain picks up everything you do. Even though, I am past all of that.

I am. I am sooooooo past all that. Yet, I still watch for you. I still get jealous if I see you with another girl. I still wait for you to notice me. My brain had radar set on you. Even though I am past you, I refuse to move anywhere. My mind is programmed. Programmed to think that you will actually come after me when I run. Come after me when you realize I am the one. Come after me when you see me crying. But, of course, it never is true. I know you don't want me. I know you are not going to catch me when I fall. I know I am not the one that you look for in a crowd. You might want me, but only as a friend. Maybe, I am not even THAT lucky. Maybe, you don't even want to be FRIENDS! I don't know. All I know, is that I am going backwards. I am stuck in reverse. I let myself believe you would come. Even though I knew you wouldn't! I can't believe I even considered it! I can't even look at you without showing emotion. Sadness, madness, happiness. Emotions rush through my head every time I see you. It's like there are so many emotions stuck up there that I never let out that my brain can't decide which one it should use!

I just wish this would be over. I am tired of just 'believing.' I want it to be real, but it will never be real with you. NEVER. I don't why I even tried the first time. Yet, I thought I was past all of that.