Damaged Goods

January 29, 2018
By Abby Ramirez BRONZE, Barnegat , New Jersey
Abby Ramirez BRONZE, Barnegat , New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

There was so much beauty in life that she had yet to experience. Patches almost like art splattered against her skin.The bruises on her are a symphony of the brutality she has faced. Weaving and creating these patterns that she didn’t know what to make of. As she laid on a white bed, surrounded by white walls. A purity almost, as if they're trying to wash away any color on her body and make it clean again. Yet, they can't wash her mind, take her away from the thoughts and the torment of her own vivid nightmares that have become a reality. A reality that many face but refuse to speak of. Broken homes that can’t be fixed make broken minds unable to process anything other than the past. Stuck in a whirlpool of her own mind, it’s a never ending escape of what she knows she can stop but no idea how to.

Her mother and father had the relationship that everyone had dreamed of. He was the rock of the family. Yet, when she was only five years old, her life crumpled right in front of her. Her father was her best friend he was always there when she needed him. As a child life and death are an irrelevant unthoughtful situation. She was asleep when it happened, her mom had kissed her head and read her a story just like any other night. Her dad was a businessman who had a late night like usual and was driving home. In an instant a life so precious ripped away. Why? Does God not take those who deserve death? Why the ones who provide, who love, who are light? Vanessa was woken by the cries of her mother, one of the most heartbreaking noises she has ever heard. So like any daughter she ran down to check what was going on, only to see her mom on the ground sobbing with two cops in the doorway. The only thing she could ask was “Where’s daddy?”.

That was the beginning of the end. Ever since her father's passing their has been this hatred in her mother's heart that cannot be filled. Not even the unconditional love of a daughter could save her. About a month later things started spiraling. Finally coming to terms that she will never see her father again, is when her mother’s drinking began. It started with just one glass, one went to two, two became three, three became four, four to a bottle. There’s this ravished fertile animal living inside of her mother, clawing its way to the surface.
The doctors swarmed Vanessa in a huddle, asking pointless questions. The pills she took obviously hadn’t been enough considering she was still alive. She knew that she was either going to be sent to a group home or a psychiatric ward. She wasn’t sure which was worse. Living with kids who she didn’t even know, or being stuck with a bunch of crazy people. She didn’t belong there, she wasn’t like them. If anything she was the most sane person out there. To her suicide is the rationalist thing to do. Why would she continue living if there’s just a constant ache in her heart? She came to find that she was in ICU where she would spend the next few nights. Turns out after trying to reach her mom multiple times they finally got a response, which was to sent her to a psychiatric ward with her consent. Although she didn’t want to admit it, it hurt knowing that her mom didn’t want her home.Vanessa had a feeling that this is what would've happened so she’s just going to have to live with it, for now.

A couple of days later she was sent by an ambulance to her new home for the next two weeks. It was the dead silent when she walked in, Vanessa looked around taking in all her surroundings. There were two long hallways that looked neverending with doors all along each side. Yet, they all were closed. This place had a foul smell to it, clean but in a disgusting way. Disinfectant swarmed her, circling around her body and entrapping her. It was all she could focus on. One of the nursers took her by her arm and started leading her to the right hall, to the second door on the left side of the room. That was it she thought a captivity. She was put inside the cage with the door shut and locked behind her. She noticed that she wasn’t alone and that there was another person trapped alongside her. Vanessa figured she was sleeping until she walked to the side of her bed and saw her eyes completely open just staring straight ahead. Vanessa startled laid on her bed in the opposite direction of her roommate. She wanted to pray but she didn’t know what for . Redemption? Hope? Freedom? What people don’t understand is depression is like a war you either win or die trying. She doesn’t know how much fight is left in her.

The first thing she heard was a voice in her room. Male to be specific. While opening her eyes he came over to her with this machine. It was barely breaking dawn and she was already being poked and prodded like some lab test. Looking over she saw her roommate, who she still doesn’t know the name of getting her vitals done by another nurse before going to the bathroom. She walked into the hall which was surprisingly brimming with life. Kids in small groups talking. There was laughter. Why was there laughter? She scanned the room analyzing everyone there. There was a ten year old boy all alone, a very very slim girl talking with another girl who had scars running up and down her arms. A boy covered head to toe in tattoos, but smiling so brightly like never seen before. She doesn’t understand what's happening. Vanessa was expecting to see people strapped down in chairs, or screaming and crying. It was almost refreshing. A man came out from behind the front desk and ushered them all into a room where shes assuming there will be breakfast. There were little tables with three or four chairs in each, Vanessa felt like an outsider, considering she was new and hadn’t found a group. Then she made eye contact with her roommate. She was surprisingly beautiful compared to the horror she saw last night. The girl looked at her and gave her a small smile. Almost like she was saying it’s ok I understand you. Vanessa actually wanted to smile back. A real smile not the fake ones she gives everyone at school. Her roommate waved her over, Vanessa slowly and a little unsurely came over to sit next to her. Before they could introduce themselves they were interrupted by breakfast it was plain but considering she hadn’t eaten in days Vanessa practically inhaled it. After they ate the man that had them all come into this room went into the middle. He looked at Vanessa and gave a small nod and introduced her to the other patients. Everyone looked in her direction as she She smiled awkwardly which made him laugh. “Well Vanessa I’ll give you a quick rundown of things here, I’m the Physiatrist of this establishment so after breakfast you and I will meet to get everything sorted out. So how the day typically goes is breakfast, then group, then to either music/art therapy, lunch, school for one hour, snack, group again, dinner, quite time for 45 minutes where you will stay in your dorm, and lastly dinner and free time for one hour. Bed is nine thirty weekdays and ten on weekends.” It was a lot to take in at once, but Vanessa got the gist of it. He motioned for her to come with him to his office. With one last look at the girl she followed.

She sat down on the hard leather chair in front of his work desk. They looked at each other, it was almost as if he was studying her every move which she's assuming he is considering his job in the first place. If he asked her why she did it she might actually flip. It’s the most irrelevant and meaningless thing to ask a suicide survivor. Yet, he didn’t interrogate her, he just kept staring. “What?” she challenged. He tilted his head slightly to the right. This is ridiculous she thought. What was the point of this session if all he was going to do was eyeball her. “What?” She said even louder this time, which made him laugh. “There's the fight that I knew was in you, you aren’t some weak girl, no not at all you're just scared.” No one's ever said that to her before, it left her in a bewildered state. He then completely changed the subject and went on to explain that she was suffering from clinical depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD. The medicine she would be put on would be a mix of antidepressants and antipsychotic to help balance out the chemicals in her brain. Vanessa had never been on meds before, but she didn’t want to get too hopeful about it in case it made things worse. She read in an article once that sometimes medication makes suicidal thoughts worse, she was nervous that would be her case. Before she could voice her concerns he mentioned that she had a visitor. Vanessa was confused she didn’t He brought her into another room and there sat her mother. The difference was she looked more alive than she did in years. They stared at each other both too afraid to speak a word. Her mom barely above a whisper said “I’m sorry.” Vanessa walked up to her, and for the first time in years she hugged her mom. Maybe things really would be okay.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Feb. 2 2018 at 2:25 pm
cafe.gal BRONZE, Portland, Oregon
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
This is so beautiful. :)

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