January 12, 2018
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Sitting by the river bank staring at the reflection that I didn't recognize, who was I now? Why am I still here? These questions I ask myself curling my fingers into the damp cool grass that I rested on. I’ve lived too long to mess up now, I wipe the tears from my wrinkled face only to have more flooding from the dam that was holding them back. I sit there crying out for her, “My little Zoe..” I say clinging to the memories that had once made me delighted to be alive. “I have to try, at least..” quivering, I grab for my phone in my front pocket and dial her number, I sit there waiting anxiously, hoping she won’t dismiss the call. “Hello?” her voice is exactly how I remembered it.. I don’t speak, feeling too afraid that if I do she will hang up. “N-Nadia? Is that you? What do you want?! You’re probably on something else now huh?!” She says sharply.    

“Zoe, I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I just missed you, and I wanted to know how you were doing..” Tears rush down my face as I finally get to hear my daughter's voice again. “I am not forgiving you, all that you’ve done, since dad left, you’ve been a wreck. I tried mom. I really did I wanted to see you succeed I wanted you to be happy, you were sober for so long mom, but when you went after my son like that, I can’t forgive that. You Know you left marks!?” She says furiously, “Zoe I am not that person anymore. I just want to see you. Why can't you give me one more chan-” Zoe cuts through saying, “You have wasted your last chance a long time ago mother, you’re a danger to my family and I will protect them, even if that means cutting you off.. Goodbye Mother.” I grip The phone “ N-no please don’t go I can’t go on Zoe, I need you ri-”.
The line goes dead, I rest the phone done on the grass, and let out a cry that fills the night sky drowning out the cicadas and Crickets signing. Filling the air with my bitter tears that get me nowhere but deeper into the pit that I dug for myself. Pondering what to do next with my life, I dip my decrepit feet in the water feeling the cool and hearing the water running down stream with splashes against the bank, “I don’t know how long my old soul can take this kind of torture.”. I can’t go on like this. I think to myself I can’t keep trying to get back my little girl when she obviously doesn't want it. I look back into my reflection, I know now what needs to be done.

I slip farther into the water where it is up to my neck; I slip out the words that fill my head, “Forgive me... “ Dunking under the water and breathing in, I feel it seep into my lungs, making me cold inside but calming. I felt peaceful.. In the midst of the darkness closing in on my soul, I hear a slight buzzing, The phone I thought.. With that, only bubbles filled the void that separates the space between me and my Zoe
For my reflection and I became one.

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