Regret

October 30, 2017
By ,
I wake up to gunshots, i hear them almost every morning that at this point they've become my morning alarm. Dad wasn't always like this, i remember a time when you could actually see a sparkle in my dad's eyes, his eyes glistened especially when he saw my mom. Now a days my dad's eyes are filled with rage and sorrow, all he does all day is shoot bottles out in the yard with his glock. We live in what is known as “the hood” it's a dangerous place, gunshots , violence, and poverty everywhere, nothing of that matter because houses and rent is cheap here. I only shower on fridays because water is expensive and dad doesnt want me to leave our bank account empty, i shower on fridays because those are the days that dad is out drunk somewhere. The only reason why we haven't been kicked out of our apartment is because my dad has a thing with our landlord, he gives her a good time and in return we get to have a roof over our heads, it's a good deal if you ask me, my dad is an attractive man i guess i think women find his long manly beard and his shaved head attractive, some say he looks like Conor McGregor but i don't really see it. Dad tells me to shower in school after gym class but no one does that so i'm sure if i start doing it the kids will make fun of me , they already do it enough. Food portions in my school are scarce, you have to get there early to be able to get food, if i'm lucky, i'll get something to eat if i'm not then i'll have to wait 3 hours or so to eat at home, that's if our fridge has something to eat, sometimes i'll make myself a sugar sandwich which basically consists of a piece of white stale bread with sugar in the middle and another piece of bread in the bottom. Living like this gets exhausting, living in poverty is absolutely terrifying, i've seen two dead bodies in my whole time living in “the hood” , i want things to go back how they use to be.

I've been thinking about this decision for the longest time now and i think i've finally made up my mind now, i don't know when i'm going to do it but i need to do it soon. There are a lot of things that could go wrong if i do end up choosing this decision but, at this point i'm desperate for new opportunites . I know that this will hurt my dad and after i go , he will have nothing left but i'm tired of living here, maybe i'm just being childish but I hope that by doing this i'll somehow become better than what i am and better than my dad, maybe i'm doing this because i hate myself too and deep down in the inside i want to leave everything behind, including my life.

Today is a new day it's been awhile since i've had the thoughts of leaving and going to move out to the city. Today is friday to be exact, fridays are also rent days and also my favorite day of the week because i get to take a shower today. I start off the day by gun shot sounds ringing in my ear, once i'm fully awake i grab my 4 year old tooth brush ,from when i was forteen, after that i choose on what to get wear i only own 3 pairs of pants and 5 shirts so picking out something isn't that hard and time consuming. I find my dad laying in the couch without a shirt, you can see his back tattoo of a long tree that went all up his spine, it's a really cool tattoo, he's told me that he got it because be was born somewhere in a small town located in the mountains and trees. If i could get a tattoo it would be of a bird because i like birds, i like the fact that they could fly anywhere without a worry because they're free. My dad wakes up and asks me what i'm making for breakfast i respond , “well i found some eggs i could probably cook” he then responds, “eggs sounds good son” i could barely see him, our living room is very dark due to all the curtains blocking every window, then my dad got up from the couch that he was sleeping on, it's an old raggedy couch filled with bed bugs . I got finished making my dad and breakfast when he suddenly said, “ i remember your mom use to make breakfast just like this” then i remembered, it's been 5 years since mom has died, i then say “why did you have to bring her up? I planned on having a good day today, dad, i don't want to have such a shitty mood all day!” “ why do you always have to be like this Bobby? Your mom was a wonderful women who loved you dearly” i knew i was deep shit when dad called me by my first name , i said, “mom wasn't a wonderful person and to this day i still blame her for what happened to us.” “son what happened to her was inevitable, her disease got worse and worse everyday, there was nothing that could save her.” I quickly got up and yelled at him, “i swear this is the last time you'll ever see me!” i got my backpack full of my things and stomped my way to the front door.

I planned on going to school today , i didn't know that i would be making this decision now, today of all days. I never got this far ahead with my idea of running away from home. I hope one day i look back at this and know i've made the right decision. I decide to go to the city where all the fancy and rich people live.

It was a long walk, i didn't want to use money for the bus because i'm limited on how much i could use, i started walking in the morning and now i've arrived to the city past 10:00 pm , the problem is, i don't know where i'm going to sleep now.

I ended up sleeping at a bus station, i woke up without my backpack nor my wallet.

It's been maybe 2 days since i decided to run away from home i sleep in an alleyway behind a donut shop, there's trash everywhere and i sleep on a cardboard box because the ground is too cold and rough at night. i haven't really ated anything ever since and i'm scared for my life.

Ive saw another homeless man today begging for change in a busy street i stayed there all day across the street from him trying to see how much he made that day. If i'm correct he's made at least 20-50 dollars.

I've been asking for spare change for a week now, i've been asking on a busy shopping street downtown, i've officially made back the money that was stolen from me a while back.

I’ve decided that this way of living is not what i had planned so today i plan to get a job.

I go to the donut shop that i sleep behind of and politely said, “ma’am, i know that to you i'm just a homeless man and but i please consider what i propose to you” she looked at me from my head to my feet, to me this meant everything, i've seen this woman before and i know that she'll hopefully say yes, she then said, “i think i've seen you before haven't I? You're the kid that sleeps behind my shop” I say, “ yes , that’s me” “ I see, I’ll see what I can do kid” I smile and leave the shop.

I couple weeks later I walk past the donut shop at the same time it was closing, the women comes out and says , “ hey kid come here!” she said in a very sweet loud voice, I quickly came over to her and said, “yes ma’am?” “i've really been thinking of that request you offered me and the answer is no , you can not come and work in my shop, my customers wouldn't like to get served by someone homeless, it's just that hiring you would be bad for my business I hope you can really understand kid.” at this point I didn't know what to do, i was so confident that she would say yes and I don’t have a plan B because I didn’t expect this to happen.

I’ve continued to ask for money, it’s been a month I think since I left home. It’s so cold, winter is coming and all I have is this very thin sweater that I left home with. I’ve used all of the money I’ve gotten on food.

I’m so fucking cold , I’m so tired of this , why did I do this?

I’ve seen a couple of snowflakes fall they remind me of when Mom and Dad used to take me to go look at the snowy mountains, I loved that time of year Mom and Dad were always so happy everything was perfect at that time.

Thinking about how my life use to be and I miss it so much. What good did I think was going to come out of this.

I’ve thought about this for a couple of days now, I’ve run out of money and this cold is preventing me from going out to ask for more. I think maybe I should go back to my dad but even if I do decide to do this am I really willing to show my face back home even after I said all those horrible things to him? Would he even accept me back as his son?

It’s time, I’m hungry and broke and I have absolutely nothing left except my dad waiting for me at home.

I don’t have any money to take transportation so I wake up really early in the morning to try and get back home before dark. I’m almost halfway there and while I’m walking there I’m already in “The Hood” and two skinny guys come out of nowhere and start following me, I don’t know what their intentions are so I’m terrified. They begin to get closer and closer I don’t know if I should run or not , maybe if I run I’ll make things worse. I don’t care, I begin running for my life and they start running too, one of the yells, “hey little bitch, get back here!” Once I heard those words I begin to run even faster!

I managed to outrun them and luckily made it back home, thank god.

I knocked on the door and my dad's sister, aunt sally, opens the door I then say, “ aunt Sally what are you doing here?” She responds with a devastated face, “ Luke I have to tell you something, come in” I then go inside my house.

Everything is cleaner than before there no trash nor beer cans lying around everywhere so I suspect something is wrong, so I ask, “ where’s my dad, aunt Sally?” “ Luke this is going to be hard for you to hear but your dad died in a car accident last week, he was driving drunk and passed out on the wheel and crashed into someone else’s car.” I was speechless, all my dad wanted to do was love and care about me and all I did was run away from home and say those awful things about him and Mom. If he was still here I’d tell him how much I appreciate him and love him.

Now I truly have nothing left.





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