One Day at A Time

May 11, 2017
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 One Day at A Time

He talked about his dreams, what many he had; tales of giants in suits of armor, leaping from cloud to cloud. And when he looked up at the stars, you could see them in his eyes. They reflected the alluring summer night, as he pointed out constellations like Orion and Ursa Major. Others thought he was crazy, but I was intrigued. I swear those nights, every creature in a five mile radius stopped to listen to him. It was beautiful and chaotic; it was everything. Those nights we thought we were invincible, and I remember whispering to him so softly.

“Do you think we’re going to live forever?”

“I think we might as well try.”

And after all the discussion, the back and forth exchange and me falling absolutely in love with your entire being, I didn’t think I could’ve fallen harder. But I did. And I don’t want to get up.

Look at me, talking about you like you’re not right in front of me, six feet under. Here I am, at your grave, all by myself with nothing but our memories to keep me company. Most people wear black to cemeteries, but I couldn’t bring myself to wear something so boring to honor someone who was nothing but the opposite. I have fake flowers, but I want you to know that it’s not because I don’t think you’re worth real ones. I just wanted something a little bit more permanent. You’re worth a million and one roses but all I have are these stupid plastic daisies and I’m sorry.

You drank your coffee black, and I couldn’t stand the bitter taste in my mouth but I never thought that something like this would taste so much worse. You laughed at my nonsensical, overdramatic way of acting like it was the worst thing to hit my taste buds. It wasn’t. Hearing your final goodbye and watching you let go was the worst taste that I’ve ever had to face alone. It’s the salt of the tear rolling down my cheeks that has made me unable to stand up straight since.

Usually a long drive would do the trick, enough to take my mind off the pain. But every single time I look ahead I see you lying there on the road in pain and it's enough to almost send me spiraling out of control. Now when I drive my radio has to be loud enough to drown out my thoughts, and it can't be some love song from any old country station that used to bring us both so much joy. All I can picture is you in the passenger seat, throwing your head back laughing at my vain attempt of a Shania Twain song. Then I blink and the light disappears. My world has been blue since you've left and I'm really trying to find out why that is but for now, it remains a mystery.

I had fallen in love with you more times than I can count, and I'm not sure if I can even count because I only counted to one stopped. I kept showing you the way out because I wanted to see if you would leave or if you would find a way lock the door, and I was too busy tearing the doors off the hinges for me to realize that you were trying to bolt them shut. I guess I'm left asking the window panes where I went wrong. They say you're only as good as the company you keep, so I guess that's why I haven't been doing so well since you've been gone.

So now I lay down these daisies on the dirt and pray to God that the message was received. That you know just how much you affected me, how much seeing the overturned car laying on the freeway affected me. How much the disgusting drunkard who got to walk away with nothing but a scratch affected me. The weight of your absence is so heavy I can't remember what it feels like to breathe without gasping. It all changed me, and each day my smile fades a little more but I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. I have to take this life without you one day at a time and it's going to be hard for a really long time but I'll get through it. You always told me I could get through anything.

So thank you. For everything. I love you and I'll be seeing you.

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