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Pauline Smith Autobiography

By , Miami Springs , FL

I grew up in a poor and somewhat broken home. My father left when I was young, I had no siblings, and my mother was always away doing only God knows what. I never questioned her. The moments where she saw the burning inquiry on my lips would always result in no supper and an early send off to bed. Because of my mother's mysterious lifestyle, others that lived around me would avoid me, leaving me with little friends.
Although I didn't have the happiest of upbringings, I always stayed a somewhat hopeful person. Always finding myself imagining my future self, married with a loving husband, in a lovely home with a white fence and a garden of daisies, and surrounded by a large family of wonderful children. No matter how far fetched and sensationalized it seemed, I always had hope that would one day be my reality.
When I was 15 years old I met a boy named Ralph. He was tall and slim with light hazel eyes. He was an only child too, his parents absent and negligent. We found comfort in one another. It was only about a few months later when we decided to get married. Now that I look back, I don't think we ever truly loved each other. It was more for stability and out of fear of being alone, but I always thought something more would come out of it.
We never were able to have a white fence, or a garden of daisies. We had an aged wooden home, falling apart at the seams and a garden of never ending weeds, living day to day on Ralph's measly salary. He, just like my mother, would disappear for hours, sometimes even days without a word. Years went by. No children. A local physician approached me, promising me a operation that would change my life for the better. He told me a lot of things I didn't understand, and convinced us that I needed to receive this magical surgery. All it left me was a horrid scar circling my torso and further assurance that there was no hope. This put a terrible strain on my already weak marriage. Ralph said little to me. A few months later we began to start trying to save anything we might have had. He wouldn't leave as much, we began to learn to spend more time with one another.
One thing that I particularly grew to enjoy was when we would take our walks. They would be mostly in silence, but knowing there was someone next to me was always a nice feeling. Except for that day. As we were walking I looked at him. His head was mostly gray, his eyes were surrounded by small wrinkles. I began to think of all the years that have gone by, all the melancholic years filled with emptiness longing for a life I would never live, living in a shell of a person I never wanted to be. I didn't want to live this wasted life any longer. I wanted it all to end.




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