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Get It Out
My skin chilled as I approached the desk again. For the second time this week I was visiting him and I was leaving a bit of my story behind every time. The story I regret every day. So far I'd gotten my introduction to him. He had to get to know me, right?
'If you know me you probably think I'm weird. The quiet girl who never talks or smiles. The one who watches your every move and flinches at the sound of her name being called to speak. If you don't know me you will soon. People can spend all their lives hiding away, but nothing gets better that way. You can remember every word a person's spoke to you, but you'll never get over what's said as long as you do. I can remember just about everything. I think.... I have opinions on everything you say, whether it's to me or not, but you wouldn't like them. The creepy girl you just saw outside your room yesterday, that was me. Oh and the red head following your every move through the cold halls, that was also me. But do you know me?'
The nurse smiled her rinkled smile at me and watched me sign in. Every stroke of my pen felt like I was signing my life away by taking such risks, but he had to know. As I strode down the hall to his room I found Rebecca inside. Not one of my favorite people, but I had hung out with her so I couldn't say it was her fault completely.
"Hi." I whispered and walked past her.
"Hey Lil Red..." She glanced at me and back to James appearing to try to keep herself in check. I could only imagine what was going through her mind as she struggled to keep her breathing steady. "Why on earth would you be here Red? After everything how can you still stand right next to us?" Her voice was very soft and flooded with what sounded like guilt. Or what I secretly hoped was guilt.
"I'm not here just to visit. I don't go anywhere without a purpose now." I looked her in the eyes as I spoke and leaned against the wall scribbling down another note.
'As I followed you around everyday you talked with me. You encouraged me to come along for the ride, but you never really have gotten to know me have you? Sure, when I swung as a child you sat beside me and swung too, but you never asked how I was or took any interest in what I had to say when I actually felt like talking. Don't you remember what you did? You're not acting like it. Here we are in the hospital room and you don't even know me. Should I remind you why you're the one lying on the bed? The one lost without memories...
We used to be best friends in a weird sense. You knew what you needed to to use me, but no more then that. You were the older one in charge of my brother and I. So weak I must have been then to believe you when you said, "I'm your friend." and showed me around. You took me into your possy even though I was so young compared to the rest of the group, but I never was truly apart of it. I guess the only reason I felt welcome was because everyone there knew the game to be played?
The scariest thing about you is I never could tell when you weren't using me, and when you were I let you because you made it seem so innocent. Asking about my brother to find his weaknesses and then using it against him. The craziest things you ever did involved hurling balls towards my brother. I'll never forget your oh so brave game of 40 on 1 dodgeball. I kept running back and forth between teams because I didn't want my brother hurt, but dealing with you would be harder. Cold as ice... That's my opinion of you still today and it's been four years. You made me believe I was safe with you and had I dared to go against you I would have been right where my brother was. I guess you could say I was in a glass box with no way out and no way to see through it.
My dark box covered me for two years, and I watched as everything slowly became more peaceful, but that's not what you ever wanted, so you changed it. My brother was stronger, braver, and immuned to your games, so you went after the next person in line. Me.
By now you're probably thinking I'm an insane dillusinal girl. You don't remember any of this. Or at least that's what you claim to the doctors. They don't know who I am or why your in here, but I can tell you why. You wouldn't give it up. Wouldn't stop trying to hurt me. But now I have the control and I will remind you why you're here. Dare you forget I'll remind you again. Just like you did for me. Stalking me, coming back.... Right after I ran.'
A hand stopped me in the middle of my writing. "Little V.... This isn't right." Before I could respond the letter was out of my hand and being ripped to shreds. She'd been reading over my shoulder. I knew that, but secretly I wanted her to pay too. I pulled out another piece of paper my heart beating faster. I didn't want to cry, I wanted revenge. I didn't want to let go, I wanted them to hurt too. To feel the loss I felt. My friends gone. My family in disbelief that anything even happened. My brother hurting every day. They didn't have to see it. I did. She pulled the new piece of paper out of my hands and took my pen. I reached out to stop her. To get the paper back, but she kept it up high from my reach and wrote something down herself.
'It's over. Let it go.'
My own note. She handed it to me and watched me react. I knew I should let go. Holding on wasn't right. I was being just like James only worse perhaps. "Things need to heal." she said her hand now on my shoulder. Could she tell how close I was to tears. "People could have died." I countered and finally began to cry. She'd used me too, so why was she comforting me now. I collapsed to the floor and thanked god James wasn't awake for this. Hurting someone else would only extend a battle that's gone on for way too long.