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Just Be Held
A bloom of hot, and perfect whiteness spread out before me and swallowed everything.
“What was that?"
A rush of pain beats into my skull. Looking around, I see Jim wide-eyed staring back at me in disbelief. He looked so scared.
“Bailee,“ He screeched.“ Y-yo-your h-h-head, “
I didn’t understand. His speech was so slurred I found it hard to interpret...Oh no! I tried to open my door, I needed to get out of there. Blood was rushing down my face in streams of bright red. The door wouldn’t budge. My eyes were getting so heavy, I just needed a na-
I was awoken by the sound of sirens. Man does my head ache. It seemed just a moment ago I was so tired but now I’m wide awake. I heard a faint whimper coming from behind me. Panic sets in when I recognize who it’s coming from.
“Jim,” I tried to crane my neck around but the pain slamming through my body was intense.
“Bailee, I can’t move. It will be okay, can you hear sirens? Is help coming?”
It just struck me, the fact that I was in the passenger seat of a small flattened Ford focus, that explains the pain. How could I think of my pain when my best friend was sitting in the seat next to me fighting for his life?
The car was crushed. We are in between a brick wall which in the midst of the crash, I had bashed my head into, and a semi truck which was now sitting on Jim’s lap. Jim had said help was on the way, but when? I couldn’t hear the sirens anymore.
Next time I woke up I was loll on a bed. Not a very agreeable one at that. A man was standing over me, he was mouthing words but I couldn’t hear him.
“Speak louder, please,“ I yelled.
The man jumped back and covered his ears. He had a horror stricken look on his face and he started scrambling around looking for something. Tubes, he stuck one in my right ear, and one in my left ear. He stuck a vacuum to both ends of the tubes. It started sucking black stuff out of my ears, suddenly the noise came rushing in. The sirens wailing, the EMT barking out orders. JIM,
“Where's Jim?” No answer.
“Wheres Jim?” impatiently I ask again.
”In the other ambulance. For now, just focus on yourself Bailee. You need to be strong, and stay with us, okay?”
“Yeah I guess,” I squeak out.
“Oh man,” I can’t believe what happened to my car! Where’s Bailee? I look around. The pain in my neck is excruciating, I try to call her name but I receive no answer. Did the people take her? She’s not here. I feel someone lift me out of my mangled car. My neck droops sideways. I scream out in agony.. They hold my neck carefully as they put something around it. One of them is soothing me by singing. “ Hold it all together everybody needs you strong. When life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on. When you’re tired of fighting…” The words fade but you can still hear his raspy voice. Everything goes dark. I feel my body go limp.
“Please don’t make me live,” I mumble over, and over again.
The pain has only gotten worse. Now I can only feel my toes. The rest of my body is numb with a pulsing pain. I refuse to take anymore medicine, I am already half dead i’m not going to be drugged up even more. I want to quit. I don’t want to go through this. I tell myself it’s okay, everything will be okay. This is only temporary. I can’t let go now.
The pain in my body is so excruciating that I tremble to the floor. I just want to be with Bailee. I want to ask if I can see her. Everytime I press the nurses button no one comes.
When I am finally good enough to go home, I walk out into the lobby and see my family and friends spread out like chess pieces. They have gifts and flowers. I smile sourly at them, turn and leave.
I just want Jim. A tear streaked face I have never seen comes over and sits next to me. She rests her hand on mine.
“ He was a sweet boy,” she chokes out.
Who? I want to ask.
“ You know, he loved you. He wanted to marry you someday. “
That’s the unfortunate beauty of it, hiding your feelings.
“ Just know I will always be here for you.”
After a while of doctors appointments, I finally was free. I could now hang out with my friends and do everything else I couldn’t before.
I had a hard time for a while. Letting him go. I had migraines for a couple years after from motion sickness. I wouldn’t drive for so long after. Then I met Mitch. Mitch showed me to God. When we first started dating, we went to church together. I love Mitch. Not in the same way I loved Jim though. I loved Jim because he loved me, not because I truly loved him. Mitch is my love. He helped me get over my migraines. He helped me get over my fear of cars. About a year after meeting him, we had started dating. A year after dating we got married. For us, we don’t really argue. We work through our disagreements. I have been happily married to Mitchell Miller for five years. We have two children. A boy Jason. Whom looks like his father. A girl Deleani. Whom looks like me. Who Looking back at my situation, I would change things. Jim is gone either way, and I am scarred. That doesn’t mean I want Jim to be that way. I found a husband, I had kids. I’m happy. I still miss him everyday though.Not in the same way anymore though. I sang at his funeral. He looked so peaceful. I couldn’t control my feelings, I broke down. I love my husband now though. God alone got me through the death of Jim. I believed in Him, I had trust in Him and He blessed me. I love my family, and nothing will ever change that. God alone.