And So I Am

February 21, 2009
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The sun is creeping down behind the mountain and I am sitting in my chair, smoking a cigarette, watching it go down. I wonder if it might not come up again. Of course it will, though. It always comes back up. But I wonder right now if I want it to because if it does then that means I?ll have to get up.

I have responsibilities. I can?t just sit here forever, smoking cigarettes, watching the sun go up and down. I have places to be. I have things to do. I feel like getting up right now, I really do, but I can?t. The sun has got me hypnotized, my eyes burning. I can?t. I hear a train. The sun is almost set. Once it?s dark I?ll get up. I promise this to myself.

But I don?t. I can?t. Really.

I can?t.

Not anymore.

Is this my fault? Because I don?t think I could ever make myself believe that. I should, but I can?t. A paradox, really. Because I did it. I remember my hands, my sweat, my hair. All wild. I remember doing it, but I don?t believe that I did it. An impossible situation.

My breaths are raspy and weak. They sound like death and death is what?s before me. Funny, this world. Funny, us humans. And I sit here, thinking about the world, vaguely sentimentally, yearning for that wicked thing called time to just leave me alone. Or take me back. Of course I would think that. I?m only human.

I let my cigarette slip out of my mouth. It burns against my chest but I can?t move and I don?t want to. I?m wondering, right now, why it?s not like it is in the movies. Why aren?t I desperately trying to cover up my tracks? Why isn?t any curious neighbor knocking on the door? What am I not caring?

I should be. I?m an unashamed coward, with an otherwise blemished record for self preservation. But I think the time has come (that darn thing!) where I just don?t care.

And that?s a scary thing indeed.

The night passes.

My eyes never close.

And in the new morning light I see what?s before me. And I?m able to get up. Thank god, I think, for this new day. I?m able to move!

I laugh, and walk over it, not seeing it, and go out the door. I look up at the sun and then turn away.

I?m not hypnotized. I see a police cruiser.

I?m not burning. And walk over to it.

I?m not worried. Then tell him what I did. And then I smile.

I?m done.

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