Perfect This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

February 10, 2009
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The eyeliner makes the dark circles less pronounced. The lip gloss hides the trembling. The ponytail conceals missing patches of hair. The Abercrombie sweater covers bruises. I might look at bit thinner, but everyone will ask about my new diet. My hair might not shine the way it used to, but the pink ribbon will distract curious eyes. One hour of preparation and I look like myself. One hour of preparation and no one will know. One hour out of 24. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it – wasting a twenty-fourth of my day on a lie. But then I see my wispy hair and baggy eyes, and I have to do it.

Checking my makeup one last time, I push my sleeves up, though not past my elbows. I slip on a cute pair of flats – heels are too dangerous with shaky legs – and grab my Hollister bag. Padding downstairs, I inhale the scent of waffles and syrup.

“Morning, Mom,” I call.

“Morning, baby,” she chirps. “Did you sleep well?”

“Better than I have been.”

She sighs, and her eyes look a hundred years old for a minute. “Any improvement is good,” she says half-heartedly.

“Of course.”

“I made waffles.” Her offering.

“Thanks, Mom. Smells delicious.” My offering.

I sit at the table and she hands me a plate. The thought of all that food turns my stomach, but I force a smile and thank my mother again. She busies herself at the sink and fills the silence with chatter. When she turns around, she takes in the waffles still on my plate, only missing a few bites. I smile apologetically.

“I’m not very hungry this morning.”

“You’ll need your strength for this afternoon.” She bites her lip. She doesn’t like to bring it up over breakfast. I eat another bite.

“I packed your lunch.”

“I’m 18, Mom. I can pack my own lunch. You have more important things to do.”

She reaches for the paper sack. “But now I know you’ll have something to eat. And you need to eat, okay? You have to keep your strength up.”

Sighing, I take the bag. I know this peanut butter and jelly sandwich won’t be eaten, not any more than the one yesterday or the day before. And even if I do eat it, I’ll just throw it up later. Anything consumed after 11 ends up in a plastic basin at 4:07. It’s just the way it works.

“Hon, have you thought about what I said the other day?” she asks.

I shrug noncommittally.

“Sweetheart, you can’t hide this forever. Eventually you’re going to miss school and people will start asking questions.”

“Mom, I have two months left of high school. I can make it ’til then. I’m class president and probably valedictorian. I was voted ‘Most popular,’ ‘Most fun to be around,’ ‘Best smile,’ and ‘Most likely to succeed.’ I’m the girl who’s got it all together. People don’t want to know that the girl who’s got it all together, doesn’t have it all together. People don’t want to know that girl is dying!”

“Honey, don’t say that. You’re not dying.”

“Yes, I am. I have cancer. You heard Dr. Morrison. I have maybe a year left. But that means I can graduate and then never see those people again. I’ll die and they’ll feel sorry for me, but at least I won’t have to endure their pity.”

“But …,” she tries to interrupt.

“Mom, listen to me. I don’t want to be the girl everyone looks at and whispers, ‘Look at her. Poor thing, she has cancer.’ I can’t handle that. I want to be normal. Just for these last two months.”

“Okay,” she whispers. “Okay. Just remember, it’s okay if you don’t have it all together. Sometimes things just fall apart and there’s nothing we can do.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I grab my bag and lunch and kiss her on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” my mom replies. This exchange, once taken for granted, is now a vital part of every morning, every afternoon, every night. Three little words, followed by four more, have come to mean more than an entire conversation. They bridge all gaps and disagreements, because we both know there is now a finite number left.

Keys in hand, I open the door and blink in the early morning sun. My silver car waits in the driveway and as I walk toward it, I check my reflection in the tinted window. Perfect.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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This article has 823 comments. Post your own now!

peace_love_beauty said...
Jan. 22, 2010 at 11:28 am
Wow, this was really good! Keep writing! :-)
jordan<3 said...
Jan. 19, 2010 at 3:53 pm
This was really vivid.
I liked it alot.
Continue it!
Keep Writing,
- jordan<3
dudeamiawesome said...
Jan. 18, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Chill on those adverbs. Beware of purple prose.
Melanie818 said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Wow this is amazing! You HAVE to write more!
hassell_girl123 said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 9:05 pm
I was surprised when I read this because it is a lot like a story of mine. A LOT LIKE IT. Haha. Mine is about 39 pages so far and I am not even close to done
Love_Me_Not said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Oh my lord!!!
I found almost no flaws :)
meme5 said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Wow. this is amazing, it almost made me cry.
flare556 said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 12:33 pm
In just one word it is: astonishing! plez write more! XDD
Averycullen said...
Jan. 17, 2010 at 11:33 am
i LOVED this! you should definitely continue to write more for it!
Vanessa ; ) said...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 8:28 am
this was sooooooo gooood i luved it sooo much
Selena =] said...
Jan. 15, 2010 at 8:16 am
I reallii lyke dhis story, it iz tOuchiinq =]
SmileySunnyD This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 9:43 pm
It really made me think about how precious life is. How maybe someday i'll wake up and the people i love wont be there. Very touching story.
twilighter_360 said...
Jan. 9, 2010 at 2:48 pm
tears in the beginning, tears in the middle, tears in the end. its that good
Breakdancegrl said...
Jan. 7, 2010 at 10:02 pm
Tears came, like a river
Lorenda2700 said...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I love your story, it's just wonderful. You use descriptive writing and it's just wonderful that's all I can say.
daughter_of_athena This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 29, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Wow. Beautiful language and imagery, and you bring off the sense of "perfect but not perfect" perfectly.
Little2Feet said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 10:44 pm
i like how the girl is handleing the situation so well. i dont know many people that are strong enough to go on through all that. great job :)
RealLifeNightmare said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Beautifully written. I completely understand the "perfect" ideal A girl that doesn't want people to feel bad for her because she has a disadvantage. My friend has the same problem. Except she is not dying anytime soon we ope ;).
cassandra_2011 said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 3:52 pm
You know, I'd bet that you would like this book I read, it's called North of Beautiful. It has the same "perfect" ideal. But she doesn't have cancer, take a look. =)
rememberme32 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 26, 2009 at 8:21 am
it made me want to cry. i can really connect with your main character, and her mother too. i can feel how both there pains are the same.
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