A Lost Love | Teen Ink

A Lost Love

June 13, 2015
By alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn


I’ll never forget my first kiss. I’ll never forget the sparks that were ignited, taking root in my belly and burrowing deeper into a place that has no name.
       His name was Jacob. I used to trace my fingers over the contours of his face, feeling the roughness of his skin against the silk of mine. His brown eyes held something beautiful, something that made my stomach clench, and my eyes water, and my hands shake.  He would laugh his melodic laugh that sounded like a perfect symphony, throwing his head back against the wind in a sort of carefree glee that I envied with a passion.
          “Look Hazel,” he would say, pointing to the sky, with its deep purple hues. “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”
          I peered at him through my lashes, memorizing the way that his body was wrapped around me, firm and warm, and solid. I couldn’t help but think that he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Still, I sensed an underlying sadness, something that laid just beyond my reach. It was something heart-wrenching that I couldn't quite define, and it scared me.  He seemed to sense my gaze, and turned to me with a sort of goodness that made me burn from the inside.
                He held my face with his hands, so tenderly that you would think that he was trying not to break me.  “I want you to know, that whatever happens, you’re the best thing I’ve ever had.” And then we kissed, and it was sweet, and soft, and warmed me all the way to my toes. His lips tasted of home, and in that moment I knew that I would never want anyone else… And that was the way that I remembered him.
Jacob disappeared two weeks later. It was as if he had never existed; as if I had imagined him. It had always been easy for him to let go, never hesitating to look back when things got cloudy. I knew that he wasn’t happy here, living a life of mundane safety. He needed to feel the wind against his back, and the spray of seawater against the rocks, and to smell the earth in all its vibrant life. He had left a single note, addressed to me:
“ Sometimes life is just too beautiful to spend waiting on yourself.  I chose to leave it because I knew that I had to find myself alone. Exercise my demons. You’re the only one that could possibly comprehend this. I love you.”


The author's comments:

This is just me stretching my writing muscles, rather than a story. Still, I think there's something to be said about tragedy, and the way it presents itself. 


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This article has 12 comments.


on Jul. 14 2015 at 8:12 pm
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn

I agree that Jacob could be developed a lot more. Maybe more flashbacks on the end or something...? Thanks for your advice and feedback!

on Jul. 13 2015 at 11:44 am
ScienceSpirit GOLD, Newtown, Pennsylvania
14 articles 1 photo 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." ~William James

I agree that the story could be developed further, to make Jacob more vivid and memorable to the narrator and the reader. If you would like, Jacob could be the central character, with the narrator giving tribute to her "lost love." Contrary to previous commenters, I like the brevity of the kiss's description. I just wish the sentiment would grow to more of a climax...and then, that's how she remembered him.

on Jul. 7 2015 at 6:00 pm
ash_larkins BRONZE, Waxhaw, North Carolina
4 articles 1 photo 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The secret of becoming a writer is to write, write, and keep on writing." ~Ken MacLead

I like the way that you pull the reader into what seems like an ongoing story. I think it gives off a nice effect and the shortness of the story also connects to how quickly Jacob runs out of her life. Well written for just a muscle stretcher. :)

on Jul. 4 2015 at 3:20 pm
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn

Thank you for your feedback, I definitely put it to use and revised this article to make more sense. And I caught that little error too, the overuse of "carefree", once I reread it. Thanks for pointing that out though, haha! I ended the story with him running away as opposed to dieing, because I think it's less drastic.

pprudhon GOLD said...
on Jul. 3 2015 at 12:11 am
pprudhon GOLD, San Jose, California
10 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
-JK Rowling (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

I agree with WritinGirl, the beginning was beautiful and enchanting. You got my attention right from the start and made me wonder where you were going with this. However, the ending was extremely abrupt. This story had a lot of potential to go in many different directions, and the one you chose is fine, but a little more lead up would have eased the blow. Personally, I try to avoid suicide as an ending unless it's necessary and/or jusitified, and I think I would have liked it more if you'd given us just a little more insight into Jacob's life. The line in his note was beautiful, but it didn't seem worth dying for. The last thing I want to point out is very minor but you may want to check and make sure you don't use the same word (like carefree) so close together. Like I said, super minor and not a big deal :) Overall, great job!

on Jun. 30 2015 at 9:44 pm
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn

Thank you! I've altered this a bit so there's foreshadowing to the boy's fragile mental state, and I think that pulls it together more...it's still pending approval right now...thanks for your thoughts!

on Jun. 29 2015 at 7:44 pm
WritinGirl PLATINUM, DeKalb, Illinois
20 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~Maya Angelou

You did a good job at the beginning capturing the emotions, but it got a little funky later on. Basically with the plot twist of him committing suicide. That part was a little too abrupt and didn't follow the deep flow of the beginning. Also, there was a lot about the love but not a lot about the loss. Good job though--you clearly have talent!

on Jun. 27 2015 at 8:12 pm
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn

Wow, thank you...your comment felt like a poem in and of itself, haha! I agree, people have been saying that the actual kiss should receive more attention. While I was trying to maintain a certain degree of subtlety, I can definitely see where I was maybe too timid in my writing. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, you're a fantastic writer yourself.

on Jun. 26 2015 at 10:47 pm
Cam_Dale BRONZE, Plainview, Texas
3 articles 9 photos 10 comments
The imagery at the beginning is awesome. I love the development on the moment the kiss happened (several paragraphs). I could, however, use more development on the actual kiss. You describe so many aspects leading up to the kiss, but the kiss goes by with a single sentence followed by a single descriptive sentence. I really do love the suicide plot twist, but it is really abrupt. Is there anyway you could foreshadow this earlier in the piece or give a little more reason as to why? I can sort of deduce the literary beauty you're aiming for, but more developement would help. Also, the development on the suicide would fit the characterization of the girl better. The girl blatantly loved the boy, but her stoic and calm reaction to the paragraph is far too simplistic; those last sentences should truly exude her cracking spirit, her shattered feelings, her insatiable desire to have the boy back. It's a really good story and I'm a sucker for plot twists, but these tiny things would really shoot your writing over the moon. Great job; keep it up.

BlueLee BRONZE said...
on Jun. 23 2015 at 11:29 pm
BlueLee BRONZE, Clinton, Utah
1 article 0 photos 3 comments
I like this story alaina_h. Like Beila already said, yeah, it's not much in terms of a story, though I think it could be a great part of a bigger story. It was a nice, short and sweet kind of story, and you really did a great job with descriptive words. I look forward to seeing more of your work!

on Jun. 23 2015 at 5:05 pm
alaina_h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
4 articles 3 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. -Audrey Hepburn

I agree, this isn't as much as a story as it is me just stretching my writing muscles. I struggled with the ending, because I felt like the article was too short to create a legitimate emotional connection between the reader and Jacob. I'll definitely think of a better title...the current title sort of makes it seem like it's going to be a bubblegum story....thanks for your feedback:)

Beila BRONZE said...
on Jun. 23 2015 at 3:00 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 519 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Wow. Thank goodness this is fiction, first of all.... No, seriously, this is beautiful, unexpected, and touching. You have an absolute gift for description. The title immediately made me think "cliche at 12 o'clock," but you managed to engage my attention throughout the piece. For the most part, you don't waste words. That's a very strong quality in a writer. Also, you added a completely fresh twist at the end. This piece is memorable, but/and I think it has the potential to be more, so I'll add some constructive criticism here as well. Firstly, the note needs explanation. This is not enough, nor does it even leave me with a satisfyingly empty feeling. I just don't know what to make of that ending, but I really want to. Please expand. Secondly, as a writing exercise, this is great, but as a story, it lacks plot. Think about a way you could make all the descriptions work as a cohesive whole. Thirdly, please create a title that does justice to the story. I honestly hesitated to click this because of the title. Don't lose readers right off the bat with a rookie mistake. Finally, "were ignited"? Please use an active verb there. It really ruins the mood when you're describing something as passionate and special as a kiss in passive voice. Well, there you go, my tactless praise and criticism. :) I actually do love this, and I really hope that you keep writing. Best of luck!