I keep tapping my fingers on the table. This isn’t where I belong. Next to me, a rowdy group of young men- early twenties- drink themselves further into an aggressive hysteria. Their laughter is obnoxious and uninhibited. They keep pushing each other on the shoulder when they talk with slurred words, over top of whoever else. Then they push back a little, but there is a tension and I know it is not completely in good fun. The one, he has on a black jacket with rolled up sleeves showing tattoos, keeps backing up and hitting our table.

I am with a friend. Acquaintance. Whatever. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing here either. He keeps telling me a question about a girl he sees across the room. It’s never the same one.

“What about her? You think I could get her? In the blue, next to the redhead. She has nice boobs, huh?”

I turn around to look. I try to do it casually, but I feel awkward. Like I’m spying. I guess I kind of am, but there’s such thing as alright spying. This isn’t that. I want to leave. When I look, she catches my eye and I look away quickly. Don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea. I’m not embarrassed- no, nothing like that. I don’t care if she looks at me, and I’m sure as hell not looking at her the same way my friend is. Not that she isn’t nice to look at. He had a point: her proportioned breasts were framed well, almost by accident, by an otherwise modest shirt. She looked young. As I stared down at my water (I don’t drink) I think I heard her laugh behind me. A vivacious ring emanated throughout the sound. It reminded me of someone I was trying to forget.

“She’s hot,” I said, trying to be noncommittal but agreeable. “But how young do you think she is? I doubt she’s even supposed to be in here.” I drink my water, hoping his eyes would just scan the room again and he would ask my opinion on the next one that caught his attention.

Nope. My friend is dead set. His eyes are a little dull, partly buzzed, partly horny. He sips his beer. I try not to think he’s an idiot. He starts talking again.

“I’m gonna-”

He’s cut short. Bumped by the guys next to us getting up. They are in their own little f--ked up world. ‘Having a good time,’ as they say. Most of them go up to the bar. Two break off and head for the girl, sitting with her redhead friend laughing. I hear my friend whisper a curse under his breath and play it off like he wasn’t paying attention.

“How ya doin’?” I ask him, trying to bring him back. “So… weren’t you telling me earlier about your-”

He gets up. He isn’t even paying attention to me. Or maybe the music is too loud, and I’m too quiet. I stare down into my glass of water. A little, vague silhouette of myself is reflected on one of the ice cubes. It’s strange to be here. To not understand. He had brought me here when I told him my girlfriend died two years ago. What I didn’t say was that there was a whole future planned, probably until death did us part, unless we ended up contributing to those god awful divorce rates. Death did part us, but it couldn’t have been further from the plan. I had thought about dating since then. I figure myself a realist- I don’t believe in soulmates. But this… there was no one here for me. I got up to leave.

My ‘friend’ was over at the girl’s table- the one he pointed out last- with the other two guys from the table next to ours. He tried to act friendly to all concerned. It wasn’t a very good front. He was still trying to joke with the guy in the black jacket. The two guys kept trying to make good conversation with the girl, and gave my friend this “f*** off” type look. Very passive-aggressive. Finally they tried to let him down straightforward. It was as I was walking by.

“Alright, champ, just get out of here,” one of them said, laughing a little.

I guess my friend was more drunk than I thought. He just stood there stupidly, putting up his hands, trying to laugh with them but not really sure what to do. The nearest guy ended up pushing him a little, in the chest. Gentle, but still he didn’t like it. I saw him screw up his face, a flash of anger. I walked over in an instant and threw my arm around him, buddy-like. Best way to restrain him without making it awkward for him.

With this big phony grin put on, I said to him, “Hey, man, meet some people?” I turned to the guys even as I was backing away. “Hello there. Having a good time?”

I nodded without waiting for an answer. They replied something that sounded polite, if mildly amused, but the minute we turned around I heard roars of laughter behind us. I felt bad for my friend- the laughter wasn’t directed at me. I told him to just pay and go home. I think he might be sick, but it’s his own damned fault if he is.

He leaves, but I stay. I shouldn’t, but I’m just too goddam curious. I sit alone for a while. In the corner of my eye I’m watching them, though I’m trying to play it off like I’m just lost in thought. Alone with a water. I think about how much of an idiot I must look like. It bothers me a little, but all in all I don’t care. I’m not at a great loss if I never see any of these people ever again. Besides, I’m held by a captivating fascination at the atmosphere. I think some people are all right- there’s a double date in the opposite corner, they’re all drinking wine and I can tell they aren’t drunk by the variability in their facial expressions. Most, though, I just don’t understand. Drunk, loud, shamelessly staring at the other sex. Not even flirtatious, just…

I sigh. Wonder if I should order a drink but have no desire to. Over there, the redhead keeps looking at me. I see in my periphery, and I take notice that the young one is now on one guy’s lap. I look away, but when I look back, me and redhead are looking right at each other. We break eye contact. I scratch the wood of the table with my fingernail, wondering why she would look at me. So I watch her, but I’m good at making sure she can’t tell. I see she’s done, doesn’t want to be there. Her friend is making her uncomfortable, paired up with one of the guys. The other guy and her are left with each other, but she isn’t interested in him. Mostly she’s just resting her chin on a propped up arm, staring at her drink in a conundrum as to whether more alcohol would improve her situation. She glances up at me again. She’s about to get up. Then she does, and walks toward the door, leaving the drunk guys and her friend behind her.

A chilled breeze hits me as I step outside. The first signs of a coming winter. She’s already partway down the street. I pick up the pace to catch up to her.

“Hey- wait a sec!”

She never breaks stride. “Not interested.”

I’ve caught up to her by now, and say, “Intre- No, that’s not what I want.”

She looks at me. We keep walking. “So,” she says, “You were looking at me back there.”

“I could accuse you of the same thing.”

“Well, I had to wonder, who the hell sits alone at a bar drinking water?” She stops and looks right at me.

“I was kinda wondering the same. But I wasn’t alone, actually. My friend ditched me.”

She shakes her head, folds her arms. “You probably told him to leave after you had to pull him away from making an ass of himself.” All of a sudden I realized the overwhelming air of intelligence she held. I had to wonder: was this the kind of person I needed? Is this what I wanted? “He was a total asshole, by the way, and since I don’t associate with people whose friends are that idiotic, we can say goodbye now.”

“Um... is your friend okay? I just can’t help but notice she seems a little on the younger side, and-”

“She’s fine!” She looks down. She’s worried. Her face answers my question firmly in the negative. “What the hell is your problem anyway? It’s her own goddam fault she’s in her situation, so just mind your…” she trails off when her emotions become too volatile. She’s holding back. I’ve seen it before- a person under so much stress who doesn’t know what to do. “Sorry,” she says quietly, then starts walking back. I follow.

She glances sideways and sighs. She didn’t expect me to come, but she isn’t surprised that I am. “You’re following me now?”

“I’m not expecting anything from you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“So you come to a bar, you don’t drink, you have a sh--ty friend with you who you don’t really like anyway, who leaves and then you sit by yourself, waiting so you can, what? I appreciate your concern, but I don’t see why you’re here.”

What should I tell her? That I was there because my friend told me to come? Because I constantly distanced myself from this kind of environment and wanted to know what I was missing? Because I was still getting over a tragedy in my past, and still holding out hope that, somehow, I could regain what I had lost? “I’ll worry about me, thanks. And I never said you had a sh--ty friend, it just seemed like you two were in kind of a bad spot. You were clearly upset and she is obviously too young to…” I trailed off. I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I didn’t want to be the asshole who tried to help when it wasn’t wanted. I shouldn’t have stayed, but I was too curious. Curious as to what drove people to lose themselves in this frantic need for pleasure. The music blared. We were at the door. It was loud. We both hesitated, and I started walking away back down the sidewalk, tucking my hands neatly inside my pockets. I was done.

“Wait.” I heard her say behind me.

I looked up at the sky in disbelief. Though it was now closer to the middle of the night, there was a hazy glow emanating from the clouds. People always want light, but when you actually succeed in capturing it, when you make it your entire world, you can’t see the stars. I turned.

Redhead was pacing back and forth, one arm folded while she played with the seam of her jeans with the other hand. I could see the gears turning behind her eyes, the knowing that she should say something but not knowing what. Finally she whispered to herself, “Ugh, I just wanted to have fun tonight… Just relax, for one day.” She leaned up against the brick wall.

“What’s so important in having fun tonight? You don’t get the chance to?”

“Well, I’m applying to grad school. Law school, actually.”

“Ah, I see. Me too, so I can see where the lack of downtime comes from right about now.”

“Yeah no kidding.” Redhead nodded. “She-” she gestured inside- “has been bothering me about getting her into a bar again like we used to do. I stopped taking her because the last couple times she’s gotten wasted and went home with some not-so-good sort of guys. I have enough to worry about with my schooling anyway. So she convinces me finally and... she’s done it again. I don’t know. Part of me just wants to say, ‘well, that’s her decision. F*** her.’ She feels so terrible afterwards though and…”

I nodded. Waited. I wasn’t going anywhere now.

“So what’s your name, anyway?” she asked.

“Jason.”

“Jason. Pfft.”

“What?”

“That was the name of the last guy she went with. Anyways, since we’re out here and I really don’t feel like going in there, or going home and lying awake in bed... what’s your deal?”

“Deal?”

“Yeah, like… Are you trying to pick me up? Most guys, when they go to bars- which serve alcohol-” she lifted a finger for suspense- “they drink.”

I smile and laugh in concession.

She continues, “They laugh. They socialize. They dance. They try to get lucky. They have fun.”

“What does that even mean?”

“What?”

“Having fun?”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh I get it. You’re a killjoy. I’ll suppose it’s all about the books with you, something like that right?” The condescension permeated through her tone as she said it.

“That’s awful quick to judgement.”

“Well, I want to be a judge someday.”

“Okay, fine. Here’s some candor for you, your honor: I’m here because I honestly don’t know about having fun. But I’m tired of that, not so much unlike yourself.”

“You don’t…” She shook her head and reached for her back pocket.

“Oh come on, really?” I said, throwing some condescension of my own her way. “First of all, no, I don’t know you, partly because you still haven’t told me your name. And second, if I thought I knew you at all, I would’ve thought you to be intelligent. Is smoking your idea of having fun?” I asked as she lit up.

“It’s Cassy, and I’m quiting so no, it isn’t fun.”

At this point, I decided it was best to just walk away. And I did, and I hated myself for it. Don’t get attached, don’t bother people. “Well good luck, Cassy,” I said, turning away for the second time. And just as I did so, Cassy’s friend came stumbling through the door along with the audacity of the music in the bar. Following her were the two guys. I could hear their heavy footsteps. Were they happy? I started walking away. Listening.

“Oh, hey there hottie, looks like I found you again.”

I heard Cassy sigh. “F*** off, Mark. And you, asshole. Let go of my sister.”

I slowed my stride.

“Naw, chicky. She’s coming with me. Aren’t you, sweetheart?”

The ring of her laugh was dull and she gave a quiet “mmm-hmm.”

“F***. Off. She needs to come home with me.”

“She wants to come, though. Doncha?”

“Mmm…”

“Give her up! I’ll call the f--king cops.”

“Really? Haha… with what? You said you left your phone…”

Goddammit, I thought. I went back. The guy in the black jacket had his arm around the girl, and was roughly guiding her away from Cassy as the other guy, he was tall and had a mohawk, blocked Cassy’s attempts at pursuit. I looked around- there was nobody.

My fist connected with bone shattering force, squarely on the nose of mohawk. All I felt was a stinging sensation that shot up my arm, and then I was tripping over the man I had just laid out on the pavement. I stumbled over him and regained my balance as the world went quiet. I saw black jacket turn, push the girl aside. His mouth opened, his tattooed muscles tensed. I stepped toward him as his haymaker came at me. I caught it on both forearms, bracing myself but still stumbling back a little. He was still too slow. I was in close- an elbow to the ribs, and he was doubled over. I pushed to help him the rest of the way down.

“Do you have a car?” I asked.

She took a moment to stare.

“Cassy!” I raised my voice, trying to snap her out of her shock.

Then, “No.”

“Come on, I’ll drive you. Can you get her?”

“Um… Okay. Yeah, okay. Just… Could you help?”

We picked up Cassy’s sister, who had fallen over when black jacket had pushed her away to attack me. With her between us, bewildered, we walked a block over to my car.

“Hey!”

The shout came as we were putting the girl in the backseat. There had been a delay for her to empty her stomach, luckily it happened somewhere other than my interior. I turned but didn’t stop what I was doing, and asked, “What do you need? We’re kinda busy right now.”

Some guy approached us at a run. “Did you see what happened? Two guys are lying beat up on the sidewalk!”

“Oh, that,” I said, talking fast. “Sorry, we couldn’t see who did it very well, we were facing the other way carrying her sister- we have to get her home immediately, she’s drunk and we think she forgot to take her meds. I’m sorry, but we have to scoot. I think I heard the guy run off into the alley opposite the bar, if that helps at all. He had a green hat on.” With that I shut the door and hit the ignition.

We reached Cassy’s apartment at 1 o’clock. I helped her get her sister upstairs, then turn to leave.

“Hey.”

I turn back, on the threshold and keys already in hand. “Yeah?”

“Stay for coffee. We didn’t finish talking.”

I sigh. “Look, I’d love to, but it’s late and-”

“F*** you, don’t make excuses. You’re staying for coffee. You were so adamant about talking to me just a car ride and an ass whipping ago, what changes?”

“A car ride and an ass whipping ago, I was still curious as to why you all do what you do.”

“What do you mean, ‘you all do what you do?’ Who’s ‘you all,’ and what do we do?”

I throw up my arms. “I don’t know. You, your sister, those guys, all their aggressive, drunk asses back at the bar. I just don’t get the mentality. Let’s ‘have fun,’ let’s ‘have a good time,’ getting drunk and having sex and being loud. And now I know I don’t want to get that mentality.”

“You are so fucking ignorant. You’re just going to type a bunch of people just because they’re all in the same room? Just lump ‘us’ all together and dismiss us? I thought you were intelligent,” she says, throwing down her pack of cigarettes at my feet and walking up the stairs.

It takes me a moment to recover. Part of me is stung- I never thought I would be that much of an idiot. But there I was- she had revealed my stupidity in one swift move, showed me the hypocrisy that plagues human nature is not absent in myself. And I was captivated by that. “Well s***,” I say, stooping to pick up the cigarettes, “Now I have to talk to you. I knew you were smart- by all means, teach me, your honor, cure my ignorance.”

I was relieved when she laughed. “Smart ass. Alright, don’t make me regret this, come on up.”
I shut the door behind me. Pocket my keys and the cigarettes.