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Wizness Bizard


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A desiring, wistful gaze looked out upon the horizon through the arched window, looking upon the dragons flying carelessly through the night sky, which were carelessly torching careless pedestrians below without a care. They didn’t care. This gaze came from Eltwon Nowtle, a man of 23 years, who was 6’2” with greying hair and a blue wizard robe. He was a few years out of Wizarding School and, for some unfathomable reason, had an intense hatred for palindromes.

He twiddled about with his wand absentmindedly, causing him to unknowingly zap a good number of pedestrians through the castle window he was staring out of. Their funerals were ignored due to them being filthy peasants that no one cared about and also the fact that it was the medieval ages, where people living was a statistical impossibility. People die a lot in the middle ages.

Eltwon learned over more on the table he was sitting by and let out a sigh that was heard by a fellow wizard, Winkity Johnson, a man whose name was often laughed at for reasons unbeknownst to me.

“Pray tell, what seems to be the trouble, fine acquaintance?” Winkity said, trying to sound older and more wizardly than he was.
“Do you ever feel like you want something more out of life?” Eltwon asked.

“I cannot say so, as I am able to kill people on a whim with my wizarding powers, conjure up mounds of gold with my wizarding powers, and do a third, markedly less impressive thing with my wizarding powers.”
“Never mind, then.”

“I will!” Winkity said, as he cast a forget spell on himself, and proceeded to stroll on by Eltwon, and then proceeded to fall out a nearby window, which the forget spell had made him forget was there, and get impaled on another part of the castle. People die a lot in the middle ages.

Eltwon let out another sigh, which was caught by another person strolling the halls. This time, it was someone far more important and far less unfortunately named, the king, Reginald the first. Although, just because his naming is far more fortunate does not mean it makes more sense, seeing as while he is the first Reginald in his family, he is also the only Reginald in his family, and likely will be for the rest of his life due to an accident involving a pigeon, mead, and seven incapacitated alligators.

“Hello there Eltwon, good friend,” Reginald said, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Do you ever feel that life is… lacking?” Eltwon responded.
“At times, yes, I do. Why do you ask?”
“Well… I don’t think I want to be a wizard.”
“Really? What is it you want to be then?”
“I want to be… a businessman.”
“Eltwon, those aren’t real.”
“But, the tales of Bob the patent lawyer-“
“Eltwon, that’s all they are. Tales. Stories. Made up. It’s unrealistic.”
“Unrealisti… Just the other day I saw a rock elemental explode into seventeen gargoyles!”
“And that makes sense. Patent lawyers, though? How do you patent a lawyer?”
“That’s not what that means.”
“And court wizard doesn’t mean that you sit around wanting to become a businessman. Get back to work.”
“…what work?”
“Exactly. Getting away from that business road already.”

And with that, the king walked off down the hallway, as Eltwon stared back out the window again, longingly, to perhaps wipe away some of the melancholy the king’s speech had brought to him. He sighed, and began to fiddle with his wand once again, before a giant boulder shot via catapult came in through the window and crushed his face against the wall opposite. People die a lot in the middle ages.



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