Florida Man This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

January 15, 2014
Custom User Avatar
More by this author
"Breaking News: Florida man steals swing set. Details at 8." Reporters have the same voices. It's like they go to school to learn how to sound like everyone else. Where's the originality? A human voice is one of the best things because everyone sounds different. A Michigander sounds vastly different than a person from Wisconsin, which sounds vastly different from someone in California.

That Florida man has the right idea. He committed a crime that will set him apart everywhere he goes: From his neighborhood to his town to his jail cell. They'll ask him, "How'd you get in here?" and he'll respond with "Stole a swing set". They'll think he was either stupid or the best damn human beings. They'll wonder how he did it. Did he take it apart? Did he do it on foot or with a car? He'll be the goddamn rainbow in gray sky.

Everybody is so gray. Even the hipster kids and the non-conformist are conforming. Oh, you have pink hair? So do fifty other girls in this school alone. And those who try to be more different than those people get called insane, an embarrassment, a mistake.

All the straight boys with feminine attributes get picked and called names because they don't fit into the societal box, but those type of boys are my favorite. Oh you were makeup, let me help you with finding lipstick that fits your skin tone. You like Say Yes to the Dress? I love Say Yes to the Dress. Let's have a date of dinner and getting a manicure. I'll let you open the door for me and pay for everything, hell I'll even kiss you good night and tell how nice of a time I had because you deserve to feel like every other boy and not a mistake.

Everyone makes fun of a poet, but idolizes the rapper or the musician. Like its only cool to like deep thoughts in stanzas if the person performing it is covered in tattoos and wearing the latest Jordans. Like its only cool if you go to crowed shows filled with teen kids moshing and singing along to every swear word that flies out the performers mouth. Writers do that do, but the prefer you just listen and not try to be like them. Hemingway was a drunk, that's not a good role model. But hey, so was the guitarist when he wrote that album.

You go to school and try to blend into the crowd. You don't dare talk about how your acing all your AP classes, but failing gym. They'll laugh and call you a nerd. You wait to tell that story when you're a t Yale and smoking illegal drugs like all those people back in high school that were failing they're academic class, but passing gym. Its then that you realize that all those feminine boys, hipster kids, and kids that went to the rock shows made a complete one-eighty and clanged their personalities to become gray. You realize you're gray too and the next thing you know is that you're in a neighborhood and trying to figure out how to be like the Florida man and steal a swing set.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

Site Feedback