Sore Loser

July 29, 2013
"First place is... Carter Moon!" When the announcer said my name, the stands erupted. Clapping and cheering thundered behind me as I made my way up to the stage. A girl in a yellow dress handed me a shiny gold medal with a figure of a person diving off a block in the middle. The clicking sounds of cameras started. I stood up on the podium in the first place position and smiled.

This is what I worked my whole life for. This is what I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl. Beaming, I looked up into the stands to see a thousand screaming people. Then I saw my family sitting in the front row closest to me. My dad and brother stood as they cheered and whistled loudly, my mom clapped while she wiped her tears. And my two sisters jumped up and down holding a sign that had, "We Love Carter," painted in large red and blue letters.

I laughed and tried to hold back my tears. I can't believe this was happening. This is the best day ever--a gun shot rang. Everything was in slow motion. People hit the floor. The screaming changed from cheering screams to screams of fear. And my shoulder was jerked back painfully as the bullet hit it. Pain shot through my arm as I fell backwards off the podium. Once I hit the floor with a thud, people were surrounding me. People were yelling at other people and people were yelling at me. Someone told me to stay awake, while someone else began to press a shirt onto my shoulder which was now numb. Another person held my face and yelled at me to keep my eyes on him.

Now I'd realized what had happened. I began to laugh, but was stopped short by a series of coughs and I tasted blood in my mouth. "Someone was a sore loser," I laughed weakly. Then I couldn't keep my eyes open and the last thought I had was the picture of my family smiling and cheering me on, because if I was going to die I wanted to be happy.

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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

Quartermaster This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 6, 2013 at 12:38 am
I'd do a little more forshadowing, and build up. By the second paragraph, I almost lost interest because I saw no conflict in sight. You're final "Someone was a sore loser" was chilling, but could be more meaningful if you hinted who or what kind of person this sore loser was.  You're last line "if I was going to die I wanted to be happy" almost scared me. I'm serious. We went from the American Dream to consolation before death. The loaded statement con... (more »)
Carly_Elizabeth replied...
Aug. 6, 2013 at 12:48 pm
Awe thanks. I'm glad you liked it. I don't think I'm going to continue because I have a bunch of other stories to work on haha. But thank you so much for reading. :)
Shailee M. said...
Aug. 5, 2013 at 11:23 am
Hey there! This is really well-written! I enjoyed the story all the way through. The unexpected bullet shot in the midst of all the cheering was a good touch. I especially liked the line about the sore loser! :)  The only thing that I would say could be changed is showing, not telling. This is something we all need to work on but I think it could add more effect to your story. Where you said, "Now I'd realized what had happened. I began to laugh, but was stopped short by a series... (more »)
Carly_Elizabeth replied...
Aug. 5, 2013 at 8:22 pm
Sweet thanks! And yeah the show not tell thing is one of the things i need to work on haha thanks for reading, though. Glad you liked it. 
WriteOrWrong said...
Aug. 2, 2013 at 11:40 am
Wow! I love when dreams inspire stories. I think this story has a lot of potential. I love the commotion in the beginning with all the cheering. I love the bittersweet end, I really like the part about someone being a sore loser. I think it would be great if you made it just a bit more vivid. Try to reread the piece to see how to rephrase certain parts. Don't just say this is what you've dreamed of your whole life, show it. Show how it feels to be living her dream and then reciprocate that with... (more »)
Carly_Elizabeth replied...
Aug. 2, 2013 at 9:43 pm
Sweet. Thanks for reading and for the advice, I'll really ntake it into account. Glad you liked it!  
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