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Damn Keys This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

I’m going to propose to her today. I’m going to head down to the river where we had our first date and I’m going to go down on one knee. First I need to pick her up from work. Then I’ll show her a black velvet box, and inside will be the ring. Ah, the ring. The jeweler said that any woman who would say no to this ring would be insane. It costs the same as two HDTVs, so it better be worth it. And then she’ll smile and tears will roll down her perfect, perfect face. Then I’ll lead her to a boat and row her out into the middle of the river. The waves will flash the evening sunset into her eyes and she’ll laugh with joy as we drift down to the patch of fertile, shimmery grass. And on that grass will be our new house.

First I need to get my keys. Where was I? Oh yeah, the house. It’ll be pristine and white. A spacious kitchen with lots of windows will be the first thing she sees when she walks in. She’ll look at me, unable to speak, her eyes asking if the house is available for sale. I’ll tell her that it’s our house now. She’ll scream and run into my arms.

It’s not in the drawer. Maybe they’re in change basket. And then I’ll show her around. Not in there? Maybe I dropped them in the mail bin. The sky will darken with deep blues and violets. Oh! Maybe the keys are in this cabinet. I leave them there sometimes. She’s going to go upstairs and see the bedrooms. Or should I say bedrooms? Hmph. Not there, either. I should check the pockets of my jackets. Time goes by fast, doesn’t it? Wow, 12:15pm already? Here’s the jacket closet. That’s a lot of jackets. Do I even wear all of these? Okay, time to check. The second bedroom will be smaller. The walls are already painted baby blue. Yep, ‘baby’. We’re going to have a baby!

Oh wow, um, I need to pick her up soon. She doesn’t have a ride. I have to be at the river by 3:00 and it’s a long drive away from her work. And so we’ll plan out wedding. She’ll be freaking out about her weight and the color of the flowers and debating whether or not she would invite her uncle.

I’m starting to sift through my shoes. The sofa. The chairs. Where are my keys? Did they disappear into some magical place? And her father will walk her down the aisle, and I’ll be the luckiest man alive. How much does it take to buy a good tuxedo?

The house is in shambles. It’s close to 1:00pm already. Time’s running out. Oh, she’s gonna be mad.

Where are my keys?!

I’m going to propose to her today.

I swear.





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