Crazy

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Arthur is following us again. That Cheshire-cat-grin sends shivers up my spine. Neta tells me Arthur isn’t real, but I can see Arthur, which means he has to be real. I can hear him too. All the bugs follow him everywhere. You can see them on the walls and the streets and behind Neta’s eyes and behind Alex’s eyes and crawling from behind the clouds and you can feel them eating away at your skin from the inside.
I know they’re real.
They have to be.

23 April 2***
My psychiatrist (?) wants me to write in a journal. Freud-wannabe seems to think writing will help somehow. I don’t think it will. Scott is dead. That’s the fact. All the pages of writing won’t change that. It won’t bring him back.

You can’t stop a gun with your hands.

28 April 2***

World died meds gone can’t stay

29 April 2***
Neta got me new meds.
He stole them for me.
He’s a great big brother. Except when he yells at me for things – which is always. Idon’t even know why I’m writing in here still. Maybe it’s because Alex is writing his own journal.
I looked at it.
All it said so far is “I’m afraid to die.”
I’m not afraid to die.

9 May 2***

Meds getting close to running out. Feel pukey sick. Not fun. Water stopped today. Bombing started. Our upstairs neighbors were arrested and shot on the landing.
It made me think of Scott.
I cut myself today.
Neta doesn’t know.

15 May 2***

Meds ran out today. I feel fine. Twitchy, maybe, but that’s all. Tired. Hungry. Sad. Not that any of that isn’t just normal anymore.

19 may 2***

I had a nightmare.

23 may 2***

Arthur and I had a talk today. He told me to keep my eye on Neta cause Netas planning something. I can see it in his eyes. Neta doesn’t like me. You can tell he hates me he always yells at me. Hes a horrible brother.

Alex is scheming too.

You can see it behind his eyes.

Who-cares may 2***
Neta realized Im cutting myself and hid all the knives and sharp pencils and safety pins and thumbtacks.

Arthur will tell me where they are

Arthur is my only friend

Alex cant see Arthur Neta cant see either. Theyre both stupid they cant see the truth.

Neta called me loony
Im not loony.
Im not crazy
Im not.
Im not
Im not
Im not.
Im not.

May 30, 2***

This is Alex. I wanted to put this in before Mim goes too crazy.

MIM.

IF YOU’RE READING THIS – YOU’D BETTER – NETA AND I LOVE YOU.

30 may 2***

Alex stole my notebook and wrote lies in it. Arthur told me they were lies you can see the lies behind everybodies eyes

1 june 2***

Scott why wont you talk to me you cant hear me when I say things Im writing you cause you cant hear me please talk to me stop staring ImsorryI didnt takethat bulletforyou please Ineedyou

9 june 2***

I can feel things crawling out of my ears when I sleep they know I know the truth theyre running away and going to neta and alex cause neta and alex cant see the truth and I can and im so scared

10 june 2***

Arthur toomanysoundsInsane neta allover bugs so tiredthinking Arthur Scott Alex suicide tired trying cant Go

I’m looking down at the pavement. It’s fourteen stories below.. There is rubble. There are newspapers blowing by.

It’s a long way down.

“Jump” Arthur tells me.

Other voices clamor for the same.

Make them stop. Can’t cover ears. They won’t shut up.
Jump.
Open air.
Crunch.





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