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Diary of a Psycho - The Change I Wanted

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“Hey, I love you,” Dakota smiled, with her feet up on the changing bench and the stall door closed and locked.
“I love you too,” I replied, also smiling. I put my hand up against the wall, next to her shoulder.
“I love you more,” she countered flirtatiously. Somehow it seemed she was getting closer...
“Are you sure about that?” I asked, moving my hand to touch her shoulder gently. I had to...I had promised Ian I wouldn’t chicken out... After all the times she got THISCLOSE to my face and then just said, “Hi!” or “I love you!” and moved away...after all the times I had silently complained about being disappointed and thinking, Why didn’t she kiss me? After all those times...
Dakota laughed and her smile lit up her face. “Yeah, I’m sure. But... To get to the point... I brought you in here because...because I...”
Suddenly, the distance between us was no more, and my arm was around her shoulders. her lips just inches away from mine, and my mind screamed, WAIT – WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEF-
Then I closed my eyes, and her soft lips brushed mine; my entire body either stopped working or exploded. Suddenly, a whole other world just opened up in front of me, and my heart was racing so fast because of all the different things I had just felt at that one moment: I was overcome with panic, desire, pure love, and I was afraid of it all taking over me. I clung desperately to her as I put my head on her shoulder, and she kissed my cheek, ever so softly and slowly, like...like a skilled seductress, I guess. I don’t know any other way to put it. I heard the quiet sound of her lips leaving my left cheek, and I wondered if it was okay that I had moved away so quickly. I could’ve cried, I could’ve kissed her again, but I had to calm down. As I had just been standing there, as soon as the door shut and locked, I could feel my heartbeat racing and my breathing became irregular as I had just been standing there, trying to convince myself to just do it. Then...then...
I broke away as I felt her let go of me.
Dakota looked me in the eye and said, “Happy one-month,” and smiled.
My heart stopped racing for a moment in order for it to skip a beat, and then it continued on with its irregular thrumming away. I felt like I should explain why I had almost missed, so then I smiled a little and then said, “Guess what?”
“What?” she guessed.
I leaned in and whispered even quieter than I had already been whispering: “You...you just took my first kiss.”
Dakota hugged her knees and smiled innocently. “Teeheeheehee!”

A month.
It's been an entire month since I wondered if I was being stupid when I didn't respond every time she said "I love you!"
...an entire month since I finally decided to tell her how I feel. I wrote a letter to her while I was a bit mentally lopsided on Benadryll and sugar combined. I asked Angel to read it to see if it made any sense to her, and Dakota read it over her shoulder. None of us even knew she was there.
Two days later, she said, "Let’s go over by the bridge... Umm, sooo... I...umm, sooo, that’s my word right now, so, um, lemme find the words, hang on - ” Dakota rambled on for a moment, trying to find a way to say something.
I waited patiently, wondering why she was acting so nervous. I mean, I’m...I’m me, how could anyone possibly be nervous around me?
“So!” Dakota began again. She took a deep breath, shut her eyes for a moment, and continued: “So, Airianna...told me that I...should ask you out.” She paused, closed her eyes again, and took another breath.
In that pause, I said, “You should. I would say yes,” and I smiled. (I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.)
“Okay, so, I stayed up all night, thinking about it, and so I...” Dakota calmed herself down again. “Will you go out with me?”
“Yes,” I replied, and if I wouldn’t have known it wasn’t humanly possible for your heart to literally jump around wildly, I would’ve thought that’s what had happened.
An entire month since I found out she cheated on me with Lance over Easter Break while she was drunk from drinking way too much vodka, and high on weed. "If it bothers you...you can talk to me about it."
I wondered what would happen if I told her it did bother me. Would she break up with me?
Now I know... She would've broke up with Lance, not me, because: "Nothing's gonna f***in' tear me away from you! I love you, and that's that, understood?"
And...d***, her smile...
I might be obsessing a little. The journal entries in my notebook have been getting quite long because I write about how much I love her all day. I also need a new notebook.
This is the change that I wanted.
This is the change that is...perfect.
And everything...is perfect now.
"To find a place in your heart is to send me to heaven, my angel... All my wounds are healed, I'm no longer black and blue... And I feel flawless, just like you."
I don't care what they say, if they ever find out. I love her and that's that. Understood? Good. The deed is done, then.
...
Her eyes are so beautiful.

--Kristen



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