With no way out, what do you turn to?

May 4, 2012
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There once was this girl named Aria. She went to Glassvile High School and was in 11th grade. Aria was quiet for the most part and kept to herself. She did however have a couple of very close friends that pretty much saved her from her thoughts and life. They made her happy so she didn’t feel alone in the world and they were always there for her. Aria was a 17 year old girl with pale skin and rosy cheeks. She had eyes with three different shades in them. Closest to the pupil was the color of aquamarine then it branched off into blue topaz. The rest of her iris was the color of a sapphire. When you looked into her eyes you could get lost in them. They stood out so much with her pale skin and her straight silky midnight black hair, which fell by her waist. She was a short slender girl, as her friends would say, “Your fun size, not short.” Aria’s life was decent, but that doesn't mean she didn’t have many problems.
Aria had struggled with depression, bipolar, an eating disorder and not sleeping at night. She felt as if she had no control over her life anymore. She was confused and didn’t know what to do. Her friends were there for her, but they didn’t understand, or know what to do. One day when Aria was sitting in her history class she opened up her diary to write, and blocked out everything Mr. Goldfarb, her teacher, was saying. In her diary she wrote.
March 5th
Not sleeping again, of course. I wish I could just be like a normal person and sleep at night. Not sleeping and then spending 7 and a half hours of my life at school! It’s draining. Exhausting. Pathetic. What have I ever done wrong to have to be treated like this? I’ve been trying so hard lately, trying to be calm, not explode or get upset over everything. But no. my body won’t listen to me it has a mind of its own, and does whatever it wants. I feel as if I’m losing control of myself. I don't understand why this is happening. I just wish I was peaceful. My wishes are turning into pleads I’m not a huge believer in God, but I must admit lately while I’m laying in bed I’ll look outside. Look up at the stars and pray. Pray for what you might ask. Normality. Yes, I understand no one is normal, but sleep is. Every single person at some point in the day sleeps. Its natural and no one thinks twice about it.
Not sleeping is really starting to take a toll on my life, I cant think straight, every muscle hurts to move, there’s just no point to this madness. Going insane? Possibly, eventually. Waiting for that moment when I finally snap. What will happen? Who knows? Guess I’ll have to wait and see. I feel like a drunken mess. I can’t walk straight, my words all become one. I’m lost and a tad bit scared, what do I do from here? What comes next? The questions running through my head.

Aria’s sleeping was really bad. She didn’t sleep at all for two weeks and through that whole time she actually got about 6 hours between two days. Aria still had to go to school though, at about 9:40 a.m. the next day she went down to the nurse to get some ibuprofen. Walking down the stairs from her class she almost fell over, she was very unsteady. Walking down the hallways was a challenge. She could barely walk down the hall way in a straight line or without falling over. She went to take a left hand turn from j hall into b hall and tripped and fell onto her side. She got up confused and very aggravated. When she finally went to the nurse’s office she went to ask the nurse for ibuprofen but it came out more like, “CanIhavesomeibuprofen?” Her words all slurred into one barely being able to stand up straight, the nurse told her they needed to talk in the other room.

Aria followed Ms. Kelly into the other room, Aria went first. As she tried to go around the cot, for kids to rest on, she almost fell. Ms. Kelly had to grab her by the arm very quickly. Ms. Kelly was very blunt and just came out with, “What did you take?! Are you on some sort of drug!?”

Aria was appalled, “No! I didn’t take anything that I’m not supposed to. I just haven't slept in a long time.” Her words slurred but understandable.
Ms. Kelly looked at her confused, “I’m going to go grab a note pad, and I want you to tell me what kind of meds you have been taking.” She looked at Aria once more, put her hand down on her shoulder and walked out the door. Maybe I’m insane. Aria thought in her head while she was waiting for Ms. Kelly to come back. She walked back in, “Ok, I’m back.” She said as she started to walk towards the other cot across from the one Aria was sitting on. “So honey, what meds are you on?”
Aria looked at her, scratched her head and started to explain, “Welbutrin and neurontin in the morning, neurontin in the afternoon, depakote and neurontin at night along with sometimes melatonin. I think that’s it, I can’t really think straight.” She finished, her whole body shaking. Just by looking at her you could tell that her anxiety was over the roof.
“Okay, and what are you taking for sleep?” she asked looking at the list of meds she had written down.
“Depakote.” Aria said as she had started to become very frustrated. She had just gone there for ibuprofen, and instead was questioned as if she was a criminal. The nurse had finally came to the conclusion that Aria should just lay down for a little bit seeing as she didn’t want to go home. Aria walked over to the fridge and grabbed a fruit punch juice box and staggered into the room to lie down. She couldn’t sleep, so she wrote.
March 6th
Insanity. How would you describe it? What does it really even mean? Am I insane? Whoever said insanity is/was a bad thing? No sleep, I just don't know. I do k now that no sleep for a long period of time can lead to insanity. Oh cool! So maybe I’m not sane anymore. I feel odd. When I look at my hands they look like they don't belong to me.
Picking my cuticles till they bleed… that’s not me. I was always the girl with the perfect real nails. Well, that’s not me anymore. But why? What has changed in me? Do I like this feeling? Ha! NO! They thought I took something today. Drugs. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but no I didn’t take anything.
I’ve been forgetting a lot of stuff lately; I never used to forget anything. But maybe this is me. Who I am. I could stare at absolutely nothing and not care. Sometimes it interests me. I day dream. Dreams, I wish I could sleep and dream again. Staring off into space. One word to describe me. Zombie? Possibly.
Depressed. Anxious. Upset. Confused. Tired. Doubtful. Wobbly. Shaky. Exhausted. Dizzy. All words that describe me there are obviously many other words but at this point my vocabulary isn’t very impressive. Crash! That’s how I feel. If I was able to sleep I have no idea when I would wake up again.
Depression, how would you describe it? Sad, unhappy, confused, not yourself? Those are some words to describe it.
The school and Aria’s parents had decided that she needed to go home and just lie down and try to sleep. Aria was not happy; she didn’t want to go home. She had plans that afternoon, and if she was sent home from school than she wouldn’t be able to hang out with anyone. She was p*ssed, she did nothing wrong and yet she was still being punished! It wasn’t fair. She screamed at her parents about how unfair everything was and that they didn’t understand staying home would make her worse. She was getting nowhere they kept their foot down, so Aria gave in and ran upstairs to her room.
Her room was a dark warm red with a black trim. On her walls she had little silver and gold shinny stars all over the place. She had white Christmas lights hanging from her ceiling for the lights along with a black night stand next to her bed with a light on it. Her bed was the perfect size for her; a double seeing as she was so tiny it. Her bed spread had a really cool design on it that she could never make out, the colors really meshed well with her room there was: red, white, black with a little bit of a dark brown in the comforter. Right across from her bed on the other wall she had a beautiful and comfy window seat that she sat in almost all the time. She really liked her room; she had designed it herself and always felt at home when she was in there.
Later that night Aria had felt an extreme wave of depression come on. She walked over to her dresser reached in and grabbed out her small razor blade. She went over to her big comfy bed, sat down and stared at her arm. She started to cry just a little at first then she started to sob, nonstop.
To be continued…

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