I wake up with the taste of booze and bad decisions in my mouth. What time is it? I had finally fallen asleep at four in the morning, full of alcohol and sugar.
I roll over and looked at my phone. Only seven o’clock? How had it been only three hours? I see I have three new text messages, all from people I had met last night; and suddenly, the whole night comes rushing back to me. I feel a rush of nausea and my throat starts closing up. I run to the bathroom and dry heave into the toilet. Nothing comes out of me: I can’t undo what I did. Immediately, I get into the shower and turn the water all the way to “cold”. I grab my loofah and begin scrubbing every inch of my body. I just want to put back whatever was taken from me last night, and in my mind, cleaning will work. I scrub myself until my legs and arms are red and raw, but it hasn’t changed anything. I begin to cry, realizing what I’ve actually done. Out of the shower, I grab my toothbrush and brush ferociously, trying to expel this horrible taste that only serves as a reminder of last night.
I can’t even tell anyone, because my sister will kill me. I crawl back into bed, curling up like a fetus, wishing I could be back in that pure place, and hoping that one is not now growing inside of me.