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My Goodbye

Fear, it’s an emotion that every human being possess’ whether they admit it or not everyone has experienced; to live without fear is inhumane, unheard of and impossible. Whether it’s experienced in small doses or heavy loads everyone knows the feeling of fear. I, especially in the last 9 months have experienced an over whelming amount of fear, almost unbearable. I have Cancer, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia to be exact. It is a malignant disease of the bone marrow in which early lymphoid precursors proliferate and replace the normal hematopoietic cells of the marrow; in layman’s terms most of my bodies red and white blood cells have mutated and become cancerous which prevents me from getting enough oxygen circulated throughout my body and has caused my immune system to deteriorate. I’m covered head to toe in bruises because my platelets don’t work right and if I get a paper cut there is a possibility that I might bleed to death.

My name is April; I'm 16 years old and I‘ve been told I’m dying. I've done nothing wrong terribly wrong in my life; I've failed a couple of tests and maybe told a couple of lies, but really who hasn't? Anyways, my point is that I've done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve to die at least, so I don't know why God is doing this to me. But I'm going to be brave, I refuse to expose my fear to the world, I refuse to show my emotional weakness. I'm dying, soon, and I'm going to be okay with it when it happens. Out of the 6 doctors I have been to see, only 1 has told me that I will be able to live until next year. It’s November, so that gives me 2 months, and being honest I think she was just trying to brighten my mood.

No one I know understands how I feel, not even the other cancer patients in the hospital, they’re old, and they’ve lived their life, they’ve experienced things. Having cancer isn’t like the movies I don’t have a desire to kiss some random boy before I die, to have sex, or drink, living life now would make it worse, it would make it harder because I would know what I am missing. Not knowing is better, for me ignorance truly is bliss because I keep telling myself all those things would've just ruined my life anyways; made it more complicated and dramatic, so its good that I never did any of it Most 16 year old girls have a big party, sneak around with boys and experiment secretly with alcohol, but not me; I sit in a hospital bed and stare out the window and sleep because I’m sick of TV and there’s rarely anyone to talk to anymore, because I, have been given a death sentence. I’m 16 years old and I know I’m going to die, soon.


The doctors say I can go home whenever I want because my pain can be managed at home, but my parents work and my old friends go to school, I’d rather stay in this small hospital room with my tiny window, and minimal light then pose as more of a burden by needing someone to stay home with me to watch me like a hawk; to make sure I don’t prick a finger or sneeze. Here I have made friends, well, maybe they aren’t my real friends but they’re the closest thing I have right now, the nurses and I have come to know each other very well over the last few months, I’m an overall “happy” patient given my circumstances and a very easy patient to take care of because I never refuse my medicine and they always find my veins easily, so they like me and they talk to me. Even if the only reason they talk to me is because the feel bad and know I’m dying, I’m okay with that because I just need someone here. My friends have stopped coming; they’re all so busy, with their sports, school work, learning how to drive and planning their sweet 16’s and I don’t blame them one bit. They don’t know how serious this is because I won't tell them. I won't make them scared; I can't see them cry because as strong as I pretend to be there is only so much pain I can cause others before I can’t bear it. When they text me and ask how I am I lie; say I'm getting better, but ill be home schooled for a while. I have no desire to describe my fear and pain to people and make them fear and dread the inevitable so I leave them in the dark. Sometimes not knowing is better; not knowing I am sick would be better for me.


Not knowing I’m sick would serve as an advantage to me, my friends and my family. I might be weak, I may even have a couple of bruises, but it would save my parents the stress, the money and the heartache that this has continuously caused them since even before my diagnosis. The money their spending makes this drag out longer then it has to, but they think its worth it. And of course they would be in pain after my death either way, but it would save them this pain of watching me go through all of this. Of not knowing when I’m going to die, of constantly wondering is today the day our life is ruined. And although they may still have hope, I have given up. Enough is enough I have tried to fight, but it’s become too tiring and I am sick of it. The IV’s the machines, the doctors, the blood transfusions and the chemotherapy, it all just makes me more tired, I want to die and I’m ready to die.


Most people fear death, but I fear life, because this isn’t even a life anymore. I haven't left this hospital in 28 days, and I rarely talk with anyone outside of here. I can't experience the natural sunlight, for me a risk is kissing my mom goodbye if she's sniffling. What I can do is just sit here and wait; wait to die. Most people my age have a fear of getting a bad grade, getting grounded, and some of those really nervous paranoid kids fear being kidnapped. Even in the movies most people don’t fear living; they hope for a cure, but I’m not most people. Living scares me the most because it means more pain for me, and watching my friends and family suffer through the pain and hardships of trying to take care of me, but is it really worth it for just a little more time? The doctors have told me that there is a 15% chance that my cancer will go away, 15% that’s it. There may as well be no chance, because I have no hope it’s been to long; it’s been to tiring and I, just want to die.


I wish to commit medically assisted suicide, but my doctors won’t let me. They say I need parental consent, but it doesn’t make sense why, it's my life I'm the one in all this pain; I've been told I'm dying soon anyway so why postpone the inevitable? Why make me suffer more? Why make everyone around me suffer more? I just don’t get it. My parents say it’s inhumane, but last year we put our dog down to put her out of her pain, she had cancer and they felt that was okay, so why not me. It's for the same reasons, but my parents won't even consider it. I think it's dumb that they can consider my life so much more important, my sad, painful "life" is worth more then my precious dogs. This is my life and I should have control over, but I'm being restricted by laws that require parents consent. Laws that don't know what I'm going through; my parents can't and won't ever understand that this is what’s best for me and I will do what I have to even if I’m doing it alone.


The pain I'm going to cause everybody will probably be unbearable, but its going to happen sooner or later, so I’m saving us all the pain of waiting and not knowing. I've only experienced 1 death of a family member and I wasn't very close with my grandma. So to everyone I cause pain to I'm sincerely sorry, but I wrote this so that you can all try and understand my reasoning behind it. Everyone that has tried to help me I don't know how to thank you enough, I love you all and I'm sorry. But you should know this isn't a rash decision; I have thought about it for weeks, but I'm in to much pain and I can't be strong anymore. After today, I will be with you all in spirit watching every move you make and smiling down upon you from heaven, so keep me in your hearts because you will always be in mine.





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

otherpoet said...
Jan. 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm
This made me want to cry. Actually. I didn't know someone could move me so much with words. This is emotional, painful and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience in the author's note. One of the best articles written I think. Great job!
 
ags_586 said...
Jan. 21, 2012 at 10:40 pm
wow, this is extremely powerful, i would love to read more of your writting... its incredibly well esecuted, good emotions, and delivery. well done
 
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