You are amazing

December 4, 2011
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Walking through the front doors of the building, I could feel the hair on my arms slowly begin to rise. A cold rush of air hit me and ran all the way through my body. It was really quiet and cold. I began to slowly walk down the long narrow hallway. The only thing that was going through my head was “Room 7, room 7, room 7”. I kept repeating it to myself so that I would not forget. It was just one long hallway that had exactly 14 rooms. Besides that, there was a family room and also a cafeteria for family and friends of the patients. Even though it was a short walk, it seemed as if it took days to reach. Then I finally found myself standing in front of this wide, dark brown door that just seemed to be whispering my name. A wide metal plate on the center of the door that said in dark black bold print “Room 7, Gwen Sanders, Hospice Center”. I stood there for a good 5 minutes just staring blankly at the plate. Took all my might to get myself to turn the door knob and step into the room. I looked around and noticed flowers covering every counter space that was available in the room. The walls were painted a light blue and the whole room had a very relaxing tone to it. Right in the center of the room was the hospital bed. Laying there, eyes slightly open with a glare among them was Gwen.
I had so much to say to her, yet I had so little time to do so. I tried to speak to her but not one thing came out. Only the movement of my lips was noticeable. My eyes began to tear up and a loud screeching noise that was uncontrollable came out of my mouth. I dropped to my knees out of sight to her and began to cry. I couldn’t control my emotions at this point. Everything seemed to be going wrong at this time in my life. I sat there, thinking and reminiscing all the good times we had spent together. It was hard to believe that all this was about to come to an end. Nothing more I could to help her get through her sickness. The doctors and nurses had done all they could at this point. No matter how much I tried, nothing was going to change the way things were bound to happen. I realized at that moment that I had to be strong for her. I got up and pulled a chair alongside the bed. Even though she wasn’t fully there, I talked to her. Hours had passed and I still sat their talking to her about everything that she had missed in that last couple of weeks. I thought she would enjoy some of the stories I had for her. At one point while I was talking, I even noticed that it seemed as if she had a small smirk on her face. This one little smile that I got out of her made me want to continue and keep going with all that I had to tell her.
Days seemed to be going faster and faster. They were there and gone by the time I knew it. I spent every waking moment beside her hoping that a miracle could soon happen. I promised myself that no matter what I would never give up on her. As days passed you could see her beginning to get weaker and weaker as the time went by. My family came every once and awhile to visit her. They never seemed to stay long though. It was too much for them to handle. The past 5 years we have had 3 people pass away. It had been very exhausting on all of us. Emotionally and physically. Everyone had jobs to maintain and their own families to take care of. It was a lot to handle and at times could be very stressful. No one ever seemed to complain though. We all knew that this was a part of life and we would work our way around it. Family was the most important thing to all of us and was going to stay that way always. No question about it.
I usually went home around 9 each night to get a shower and get some rest before coming back the next day. Well this particular Thursday night I decided to stay a lot later than usual. Like I always did, I sat there and proceeded to talk about all the good times we had. I always held her hand and rubbed her skin very gently to make her feel as comfortable as could be. This one time I actually felt her squeeze back. It was only for a few seconds, but she did it. I looked at her lips and she didn’t speak but her lips moved and she said to me “You are amazing”. When I was a little girl I use to tell her this every time we would hang up the phone. As I grew up it stayed with me and I still continued to tell her. No one understood it, but it was our thing. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and told her how much I loved her. I left that night thinking that I would return the next morning to her doing better since she had made such a big step that night. I could only imagine though. It was that Thursday that she passed away in her sleep. I know she lived a long and happy life. That was all that mattered. She was no longer in pain and could be free of all the stress that was put upon her when she was here. I tried to be strong for my family and hold myself together. Even though I knew she was happy and was with god at this point, I still had some anger held inside of me. I seemed to put some of the blame on god. I didn’t understand why she had to leave. I had so many questions and didn’t have any answers to them.

The day of the funeral everyone sat around in a small room with the lights dim and not saying a word to one another. It was the quietest it had been in a while around the house. No one knew what to say or do with themselves anymore. It was as if they were all lost and weren’t able to get back to where they belonged. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. With just one person leaving it had seemed as if their whole world turned upside down. The phone would ring, the doorbell would ring, yet everyone sat around and acted as if nothing around them was going on. It was a huge lifestyle change for us all. We went to the viewing and then had the funeral the same day. It was a struggle for us all. It was after the funeral that I looked up at the sky and seen all sorts of colors combined in the twirling of the clouds. All of her favorite colors. I looked up and whispered softly “You are amazing”.

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