Confessions (Part 3)

Sarah and Abbie took turns asking questions, the time ticked by slowly. I answered honestly, still I left out parts that meant a lot to me -- him wrapping his hand around my waist when we walked and how he’d blow in my ear when I was gripping his hand to hard. Those were my memories, no one else needed to know that. Though Sarah pried information out of me, wanting to know his favorite candy and music, I stayed strong, no tears shed.


“So does, I mean did Dave buy you birthday presents,” Sarah asked, hugging her knees and resting her chin on them.


I rolled my eyes, these stupid questions were annoying. Sarah just wanted to know about Dave, at least Abbie understood. “Yes, he did.”


“Do you still have any of the presents he gave you?”


My hand robotically grabbed the chain around my neck and my eyes wandered over to the closet where his sweatshirt was hanging on a hanger. Sarah would want them, she’d wear the sweatshirt when she misses him, like I did, and she’d grab the necklace when she heard his name and smile, like I did. Maybe she’d take the pictures in the box on my dresser and cut me out of them to make a collage with the pictures of Dave. “I do, do you want to see them?”


Sarah gasped and nodded her head, smile appearing on her face. “Yes, I want to see the type of stuff he’d give me, I mean what he gave you.”


“Well, I only have one present, the others broke and I lost some. I have a sweatshirt of his and many pictures, if you want to see those.”


“Sure.”


I got off my bed, Sarah watching my every move like Dave was going to burst out at any moment. My closet was already open from earlier, I grabbed the sweatshirt off the hanger. The coffee stain was still on the left sleeve, paint splattered over the front from when we painted my room together, and there were grass stains from our ‘football’ games in the front yard. “This is his.” I tossed Sarah the sweatshirt, it was like I was throwing Dave out of my life forever, it felt good.


“This is really dirty, there’s paint and grass stains all over it. He’s a messy guy,” Sarah commented as she slipped the sweatshirt on. She cuddled it, “It feels like I’m in his arms...”


Abbie sighed, “Okay Sarah, McKenna would know, so just shut up!”


“Sorry, it’s just so awesome to be in his sweatshirt,” Sarah mumbled, tugging the sweatshirt tighter.


“It’s okay, I understand the feeling Sarah,” I said, walking over to my dresser. Should I show her my photos of him and I? Would it hurt her, to see her boyfriend loving someone else? Or would it hurt me more, seeing our happy times again?


“You said you had pictures?”


“Oh, yea,” I whispered, grabbing the box of my dresser and taking my spot on my bed again. “If you want, I can explain them or you can just look at them.”


Abbie patted my knee, “Whichever is easiest for you.” She gave me a small smile.


I took out the picture of me and Dave splashing in the ocean, my dad took it for me. You only saw the backs of us, it was too dark to see what we were wearing and the sun was setting. The water was dancing, the sparkles hopping from wave to wave. That was the first time we kissed, after soaking ourselves in water and sitting on the sand, he told me that he loved me. The kiss was electrifying, it sent shivers up and down my spine. It was weird how I still remember that feeling...


“What is this of,” Sarah asked, snatching the picture from me.


“You can just look at them, I don’t want to explain them,” I spoke, shoving the box into her lap.


“Fine.”


Sarah would look at them then pass them over to Abbie. Her face was strange, like she didn’t want to look at the pictures. Maybe she didn’t want to see Dave having a good time with someone else.


“This one, of you two shoving ice cream in each other’s faces, what were you guys doing that lead to that,” Abbie questioned, handing me the photo.


Oh, that one. “We were sitting on the bench outside the ice cream shop, he bought the cones. So we sat there eating and Dave moves in closer to me, wanting a kiss but I shoved my ice cream in his mouth. He shoved his back.”


“Who took it?”


“I’m not sure really. I went out to check the mail and it was in there, there was a note with it. It said something like ‘You might want this for your collection, your friend’. The ‘friend’ hasn’t spoke up yet.”


Abbie nodded, “That’s weird.”


A whole hour passed of Sarah and Abbie looking at pictures. I answered questions from both of them, but Abbie asked the most. She was interested in my/Dave’s/dad’s photography skills, wanting to know the best angles. When I didn’t have to answer questions, I sunk into my bed, wanting this to be over. It broke my heart to see him again with me. The memories flooded back, the dam I put up to not remember them broke and leaked through.


“You said you had a present that he gave you,” Sarah asked, setting the box down.


“So demanding...,” Abbie joked, “give her a second, Sarah, this is hard for her.”


“It’s okay Abbie,” I said while unfastening my necklace. “Sarah, this was a gift from him. A necklace...with his initial as the charm. It was my prized possession, but now I just can’t keep it off my neck. It made a home right there, it indented it’s symbol in my skin. Here, look at it.” I handed it to Sarah, who looked at it with interest. Her eyes took it in, the mini diamonds (fake of course, Dave wasn’t rich) and the silver chain. Slowly, she put it around her neck, setting it on her chest.


“It’s so beautiful...,” Sarah murmured, petting the “D”.


“Take it off Sarah! What are you thinking? That’s McKenna’s, not yours. Look at it then give it back, don’t try to steal it,” Abbie yelled, giving her the evil stare.


Sarah frowned and took off the necklace, her face gave away the hurt she felt. It shouldn’t mean anything to her, he didn’t give it to her, he gave it to me. All the good times were channeled back to that necklace and the pictures and his sweatshirt. Why couldn’t I just throw them away? Why can’t I just get over him? Why is this so hard?


“Are you okay McKenna,” Abbie whispered, her voice sounded distant.


“No, I’m not,” I cried, tears came out and formed a waterfall that streamed down my cheeks. “It’s too hard...I can’t do this anymore...I can’t hold on to this...”


“McKenna,” Abbie soothed, moving closer to me to hug me. “You don’t have to hold on, you can let go now. Start anew, forget him.” She held me close, as the tears kept coming. Sarah sat on the edge of my bed, not knowing what to do or say because she knew that she made me cry.


“I want to let go,” I moaned, “help me let go, Abbie. Help me!”


Abbie smiled and got up, “Follow me, Sarah grab the sweatshirt and the pictures.”



The cool air blew and the sand flew in all directions. Abbie held my hand while Sarah slowly followed behind us as we walked to the end of the beach.


“All you have to do is throw everything into the ocean, McKenna, then your free,” Abbie whispered. “Don’t worry if Sarah runs in after the sweatshirt or whatever happens. Just throw it and walk away, okay?” She grabbed the stuff from Sarah and handed it to me. “I’ll wait back there, take your time.” Abbie gave me a quick hug and ran back up the beach with Sarah.


My head throbbed and my heart ached, luckily the tears dried up. “Just throw it and walk away,” was what Abbie said to me, it sounded so easy. “Just toss it, stupid,” I yelled at myself. Closing my eyes tight, I chucked all of our memories into the ocean. The splash relieved me, I did it, I let go. It felt like I was reborn, that what happened never did. It felt good. I walked up to Abbie and Sarah, feeling like a whole other person.




Abbie hugged me when I finally reached her, “Do you feel better?”

I smiled, “I feel like I lost a hundred pounds.”

“Good.” She starred off in the distance and frowned, “I knew Sarah would do that! She’s so retarded!”

“What...?”

“Look.”

I looked out at the ocean and saw Sarah swimming, trying to grab Dave’s sweatshirt and random photos. She looked so pathetic.

“I’ll go get her, you go rest and stuff. Cya tomorrow,” Abbie said, running down the beach to drag Sarah out of the ocean. Smiling, I walked into my house and up to my room. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw who was sitting on my bed.

“I thought you’d never show up.”

“Here I am, what do you want?”

“That’s no way to talk to your father,” dad breathed, rubbing his brow.

“Well sorry,” I replied, walking over to him. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi to you to. I’m here to explain what happened yesterday. Celia is an employee at work who wanted to ask me about something.”

“Yea, like ‘where’s your bed?’...”

“McKenna, that’s inappropriate!”

“Hey, it’s the truth.”

No answer.

“Dad...what’s wrong?”

“Look, what happened between my and Celia doesn’t concern you. I just want you to know that Celia isn’t the only reason your mother and I are having problems. Just go ask your mom who’s downstairs making out with some guy on the couch. Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later then,” dad said, bursting out of my room.

Mom’s making out with some dude on the couch? No, that can’t be possible mom was supposed to be the good guy. The one who is faithful and doesn’t lie to me. I jumped off my bed and ran down to the living room. I saw my mom sitting on the couch, no guy in sight. Then I saw him, he walked out of the kitchen and sat next to my mom on the couch. He wrapped his arm around her neck and starting kissing her. I closed my eyes, trying to get the picture out of my mind.

“McKenna!?”

I opened my eyes, mom was starring at me.

“I thought you were outside with your friends.”

“I was...then I came inside and dad was in my room. He told me that you were down here making out with some guy, so I came down to see what was going on. I wanted him to be wrong, but he was right.”

“Honey, I’m sorry...,” mom whispered.

“I thought you were the good guy! I thought Celia was the reason dad left, but it isn’t. You meet this guy and dad found out and left. Isn’t that what happened?”

“Yes, please don’t be mad at me, it was wrong of me but I’m in love with Matt. Forgive me, McKenna, please,” mom pleaded.

“I’m gonna go, I’ll see you tomorrow, Rachel,” Matt said, leaving the house as fast as he could.

My mind was spinning, this didn’t make any sense. Which parent can I trust now? Both lied to me. Hot tears sprang to my eyes, who knew what other secrets were being kept from me. They should’ve told me what was going on, so I wouldn’t feel so helpless right now. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to do. Do I run this way or that way?

“Honey, listen to me,” mom said, getting up from the couch. “It’s not exactly what it looks like...”

“Then what is it?”

She sighed, “Me and your father just don’t love each other anymore, so we both moved on. We didn’t really tell each other that we moved on, we kept it a secret. That is until your father decided that he was going to marry Celia and that you should know the truth. He told me that he was going to tell you everything last night, but you ran off before he could explain. Now I have to tell you everything and it’s hard.”

“Then why were you crying when dad said he was leaving? You should’ve been happy, knowing that you could now be with Matt,” I asked.

“It was an act, so you wouldn’t catch on to what was really happening.”

“An act? What else have you been ‘acting’? The fights? Were those just an act to cover up the truth?”

She nodded her head, “Those fights were supposed to be an act, but we were really fighting about what we should do about our marriage. Neither of us want to be a part of it anymore but we didn’t want to tell you...”

“No one wants to tell me anything anymore,” I shouted, letting the tears run down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way...”

“I’m leaving.”

“What?”

“I’m leaving,” I said, running upstairs to my room.

Mom ran after me, “Where are you going?”

“I’m not sure right now but I don’t want to be here with you or dad. You both lied to me, how can I trust you guys anymore?”

She was quiet. I could tell that I hurt her, that her heart was crumbling to pieces, but I didn’t care. She smashed mine with a hammer, which is way more painful. I threw my clothes into a bag and headed for the bathroom. She followed me like a dog. I shoved my hairbrush and toothbrush into my bag and booked it downstairs.

“Don’t leave this house, McKenna! I’m your mother and you have to listen to me,” mom screamed, tears pouring down her face like a waterfall.

“I’m not listening to you, how do I know what you say isn’t a lie? Everything you say could just be lies to cover up the truth!”

“I --”

“Bye,” I said, as I ran out the door into the neighborhood. I didn’t really know were I was going, I’d probably end up back at home tomorrow once I realize that I can’t live on the streets. Right now though, it didn’t matter, I was just running to escape the truth.


I was gasping for breath, sweat running down my face, my legs aching, but I couldn’t stop. Not now, not when the world was turning against me, ruining my life. I had to leave, leave my house, leave this stupid town. No one here loves me anymore, they don’t trust me either. Wherever I turn, there’s another secret being released. My castle walls crumbling down and it all started with Dave.





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