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Imperfection

By , Northwood, OH
I am sitting in a building with many kids who have felt a lot of the feelings that I've felt ; alone , sad, worried, scared , not good enough, est. I've always been afraid of the way people would look at me if they knew exactly what I was thinking , or what I’ve gone through. My life has been hell , and sitting here in a psychiatric inpatient unit gives me flashbacks on how far I have come.

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When I was ten years old , my life took a turn that happened so quickly. I went from living in a household with a family of two parents , to moving out into a house with just my mother, sister, brother , and my mom's new boyfriend. My mother decided that she wanted a divorce , that was very inconsiderate. Not thinking of how it would effect her children , she had no longer been in love with my father . That was the response to all of our questions . The truth behind it was that she had cheated on my father with another man. How could someone throw away an eight year marriage for someone you just met ? That was the end of my dignified childhood. Relocating into a new house with a new man so fat had an enormous en all of us children; but mainly my sister , Analicia. My mother, and her boyfriend , Steve , argued to often . Analicia suddenly became the counselor in the relationship. She was still a child , and that wasn't her responsibility. She began to grow up to quickly; having sex, sneaking out with boys, and having no communication with my mother. Things had defiantly gotten out of control. I sat and observed, not really aware of how it could affect me in the future. Analicia started to be unruly. Soon to come , in and out of jail she was. I didn't like seeing my sister go through that . She started getting miserable, I didn't know how to help. Next came my sister trying to take her life. I walked into her bedroom, witnessing her with a belt wrapped around her neck. Her face was beat red. Tears were rapidly pouring down my face, she looked at me in the yes , and spoke softly "go get mom, I want her to see me die." My mom got my sister help but sadly she didn't learn. My mother and sister soon became out of control. My mom began drinking a lot of alcohol, and smoking marijuana ; also taking prescription medications. Analicia was using marijuana and partying every night. They were both absent of manage. My mother's boyfriend saw that as a difficulty. My mom started cheating. My sister told my mom's boyfriend . Effects began to worsen. My mother herself, including her boyfriend, got into a domestic fight sending him into jail, and us no where to live . My mom was desperate for a home for us to live in, she had no choice but for us to go into a shelter. The shelter helped out my mom, and got us an apartment. My mom and sister began using uncontrollably.

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I was fourteen years old witnessing things that I shouldn't of been seeing. I became very angry, I didn't want anything to do with my mother. She needed to change. After spending hundreds of dollars on weed, that only made he feel good for an hour or so, my mom realized herself, that her and my sister were out of control. My sister was going to parties on school nights , and began skipping school. My mom was fed up , and told Analicia to get up and go to school. Analicia refused; they then, got into a physical dispute , and my sister's results were being placed into a foster home. It wasn't until then that my sister became my best friend. My mom stopped all of the using , and sobered up her actions. She would battle to get her daughter back . We moved into a townhouse, and I started becoming unhappy. That was my Freshman year.

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My Freshman year , I dealt with several things. I learned who my real friends were , and I learned that I was going to be on my own. I didn't feel like I was receiving any attention from my mother anymore . We had lost our relationship, and communication. I didn't like dealing with my feelings; so there those feelings remained, locked away . I had been depressed and very angry , not letting go of the feelings of my past. Trying to open up, but choosing to remain silent, I then began associating with the wrong crowd of people. I was smoking marijuana, and smoking cigarettes. How could I start doing something , that I once was so against at one point ? Then, it just felt like I didn't matter any longer. My mom didn't notice my pain, she continued to focus all of her time on Analicia. Analicia, she had started coming home for weekend visits. All of that time away, hadn't counted for anything , because she had took advantage of being at our house by going out with friends and roaming around; not listening to the rules my mother had given. My sister and I , began arguing. We got into a substantial battle. My mother called the cops , and domestic violence chargers were being filed on Analicia. I didn't want to see my sister in trouble , we are sisters; fighting is normal .The last thing she needed was to be sent to jail again, the police wanted to arrest her . So what did she do ? She ran . My mom , along with the rest of my family looked to find her , she turned in herself after two weeks. When we finally found her , she was at her boyfriends' house. She served some time , and when she was discharged she was located to a new home , it was a group home .

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My feelings began escalading more out of control. I was smoking weed to try and fix the pain, but it just wasn’t working. I was locking those feelings up and it was making everything worse. I was a sophomore in high school, at least I made it through my freshman year right? I decided to have a get-together , just hangout with my friends for a bit I invited some friends over , along with my guys friends, Emiliano, Nico, Tony, and their friend, John. Nico, he and I used to talk. That night he tried putting his hands down my pants, I told him no several times. H didn’t want to stop. I told my mother what happened, she tried to help, but I began having nightmares. With not anyone to open up to, I began to get depressed. Then, there came this guy named Cody. He wanted to comfort me, he wanted to be with me. I felt wanted for the first time in a long time. I was smoking everyday, he hated it I didn’t care what he thought about it, I was going to do what I wanted. That relationship didn’t last. The two of us were on different levels , and because I never even liked him. I just wanted to have someone that cared for me. I found that one person that I wanted , and was in love with the whole time . I was just to stupid , not to open my eyes; to see what was really right in front of me. It was Jacey Marie Miller. I had grown feelings , real feelings; feelings that I’ve never felt in my whole entire life, about anything , or anyone. Let alone a girl.

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I knew that I had to come open about my sexuality with my mother. I had been in love with this girl for some time now , but I didn’t know how she would respond to it. We already had been fighting, I was misbehaving; I didn’t have an explanation for it, other than me wanting a relationship with my mother. Also, her attention was very needed. I had stopped smoking weed, I just wanted her trust. My mother found out about me and Jacey on her own, she was pissed. She felt betrayed , because I wasn’t able to come and talk to her on my own. My mother and I began to argue more, and I told her she made me wish I weren’t alive, my mom took me to a hospital to get me help.

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Here I am, sitting here in the psych unit. I look into the mirror, and I’m satisfied with myself for the first time within the past year. No longer and I upset with my mother , having problems in my household, afraid to communicate with my family, scared to be myself. My mother had accepted my sexuality, and wants me to be happy . Along with the rest of my family. I now know how to control my anger, and can express myself in ways that I couldn’t before. I have come a long way , and the old me is back . I know I’ll make other mistakes in the future, but I know, thanks to my mother bringing me to get treatment that I’ve worked on myself, and I’ve set goal on my life. I can plan out where my life takes me . I’m now in control. I’m alive, and I am happy. The happiest I’ve been on me . This is my life, showing how far I have come . Everyday, I am living in complete imperfection.





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